Friend upset I’m spending “too much time” with new boyfriend? Aibu?

[lemursandlemons]

I’ve been in a relationship with this man for just over 2 months. We do spend a lot of time together, a lot more than I have spent with other people in the past. Recently it’s been Friday night to Sunday night (2 weekends away recently) and a couple/a night in the week. I really like him, and we seem to be building a nice relationship.

Friend and I have lived together for 2 years. We’ve both had our own routines but sometimes will spend the night in together watching tv or going for a walk at the weekend. My friend has made it clear she doesn’t want my boyfriend in our home -eg., so asks what I’m doing at the weekend and if I say seeing boyfriend she says “hope he’s not staying here”. My previous ex boyfriend was also not welcome in the house and I had to give her prior notice if he was staying over and sometimes she would refuse.

She seems to have instantly disliked my boyfriend though she has never met him. She asks for details of my weekends with him and then will point out things she feels are “red flags” eg., it’s a red flag he buys me flowers, it’s a red flag he asked me to be his girlfriend after 2 months dating, it’s a red flag he takes pictures of us and puts in on social media. She has thrown gifts away (little things like plants) off him because they were “cluttering the house”.

I’ve stopped speaking about him and give the vaguest answers when she asks about him.

She has told me it’s a red flag I am spending too much time with him, and that I need to “prioritise” my life. Nothing has changed for me - I still see my family, my other friends, still do my gym classes and work full time. The only thing that’s changed is I am physically sleeping out the house at the weekends, but I wouldn’t usually see her then anyway!

I am thinking of moving out (NOT with new boyfriend!) because it’s so uncomfortable when I do see her.

Aibu??

The only red flag is her, Christ. 😬 she wants you miserable like her and she’s eaten up with jealousy.

Normally I would say boyfriends come and go and friends are in your life for my longer if not all of it.

However, she doesn't sound like much a friend. Why does she get to make all the rules in a house you jointly rent? I get her being uneasy about a strange man in the house, but she doesn't seem to want you to see him at all. Very weird behviour.

The only red flag in the relationship would be if you're moving too fast, since the relationship is still fairly new.

Do you split rent with her OP? If so, I would make arrangements to try and have your own space as clearly this arrangement is no longer working.

This can take time, so in the meantime, I think you need to have a conversation with her about meeting in the middle.

You have been seeing this new boyfriend for two months, and I do actually think spending every weekend plus up to 2 nights a week is a little excessive. Rule of thumb for me in the early stages of dating (the first 6 months or so) is one night per week and maybe another coffee date during the week if I feel inclined.

If you are happy with keeping the number of nights you see him, I would perhaps stay at his for half of those nights, and yours for half of them. Maybe you can agree with your roommate for certain scheduled nights that your boyfriend stays over?

I had a similar thing happen in the past to me, and what was particularly annoying was that the roommates boyfriend stayed half of the week, yet wasnt contributing towards heating, water or general food in the house (such as milk etc). This can cause friction as well if the rental space is only intended for two residents and split between two residents.

I would ask her to stop throwing away your possessions and if she has an issue with any of them, to talk to you about it.

I think you have maybe reached the end of the road with this roommate but in the interim of finding someone else, you need to make things bearable, which means chatting to her and finding some middle ground.

Gosh yes I’d find somewhere else to live. Rule of thumb I would say max he stays over is 2 nights a week and reciprocate by staying at his half of the time to even things out.

Is she jealous? I ask because our daughter experienced similar with a housemate who later came out and admitted jealousy.

The fact that things feel awkward and you are thinking of moving out says it all. Trust your instincts here. Life is too short to allow her hang ups and issues to interfere with you living and enjoying a perfectly normal life. I lived in loads of flat shares in my 20s/30s and it was all about compromise- on both sides!

Your home should be your sanctuary and not somewhere you are controlled and restricted. Either take back some control or move on.

My husband has been in my life longer (and key point far stronger) than any other relationship only rivaled by possibly my mam (who has passed away now).

We have been together literally half my life, had 4 kids together and spent literally every day together pretty much that whole time (that longer than I lived at home with my mam).

I technically have friends I have know for a few years longer than him like my old 'best' friend (old roommate like in the OP) but I moved to another city and then she moved to another country 10 years ago to marry and have her own family and I have seen her in person twice in that time. Shes still my friend but its hardly even remotely the same.

Friendship pull apart and settle into their own lives as yous grow and mature, its normal. Most people major relationship in life will be their partner. When people latch onto someone else (like a friend, sibling, parent) its seen as pretty weird and can be very cloying if the other person isn't also equal about sharing that level of 'monogamous' emotional support.

Most friendship a person forms in life will fail, most relationships (romantic or friend) have been studied and seen to fail before the 7 year point on both sides (romantic and friend) you are likely to only form on average 3 that last long term in your life.

It’s clear she is jealous that you have a boyfriend and she doesn’t. It can’t be easy for her but she needs to grow up. I would have a frank chat with her and then if things don’t improve, consider moving out.

Possibly she is jealous of HIM?

Her behaviour is the kick up the backside you need to find somewhere else to live. Your flatmate is controlling and doesn’t respect you, time to move out.

Sounds like she very much enjoys her Batchelorette lifestyle with female roommate and does accept that status quo changing.

I would look for a new place - it’s one thing to not want to hear bedroom noises, but insulting your appearance and binning your gifts is not a normal or healthy behaviour pattern, and is really very controlling.

She’s jealous of you and that’s probably also why she says unkind things about your appearance. It’s a way of feeling better about herself no doubt.
She’s your flatmate, not a friend really.
I would tell her that it’s obviously bothering her with your boyfriend so that you will be looking for somewhere else to live where it’s not such an issue. That might be the shock she needs to stop it (although it sounds like no so you should probably look to move out anyway).
With the red flag stuff, just be like “oh, that’s interesting” if she says it. Don’t rise to it. With the appearance thing I’d just look at her quizzically if she said anything and again not engage. People like this depend on getting a reaction.

Wow.
Throwing out your things
Not allowed to stay.
She overly protective in a concerning way.
Does she have feeling for you or jealous .
A good friend supports you not flying off wanting to sabatage your very new relationship.

This is your life not hers. Move out!

She’s probably bricking in that things will go well and you’ll move out and she’s lumped with extra bills.

or she’s jealous.

Just be firm- i don’t want to discuss this any further. We are equal tenants etc so we can use the house as we see fit including overnight guests now and then.

She's an unhappy individual and clearly jealous because you have (and have had) boyfriends. She's also afraid of losing you as a flat mate for both financial reasons and as someone to keep her company. I suspect she doesn't have a lot of friends?

I can understand, to an extent, the no overnight stays for men. I suppose this should have been discussed when you rented the flat together.

she’s said some quite nasty things about my appearance of the time I’ve known her.

That's awful. She is NOT your friend.

Yep, time to get your own place @lemursandlemons . This makes me think of that film, Single White Female 😳

Watch single white female

then move out

I'm seeing red flags too - but not in your boyfriend's direction.

i’ll tell you what sounds like a red flag… your flat mate!! I would be looking to move out from there if it was me