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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unfair or am I being taken for a ride?

51 replies

PopPopPopPopPopPop · 19/09/2024 14:04

Long story short, my partner was made redundant and we were delighted when he finally found a job. I helped him out massively in terms of finance, and he always says he’s grateful.

Before he got his first pay, he constantly said the first thing he’ll do with his money is buy me my favourite flowers to say thank you.
It’s been 4 weeks now and it’s just excuses. They didn’t have the right ones, he wants them from the market, the shop didn’t have any.

I just feel like a bit of a mug and now just feel like he’d only do it to tick that box, not because he wants to.
He works 7-5 and has a 40 minute commute so I get it’s tiring, but surely if he really wanted to, he would.
I just don’t get why he’d say that’d be the first thing he’d buy, and then it’s not.

I do also feel as if he knows what I like, what cheers me up etc, and I’ve had the week from hell. I’ve got so much going on healthwise and he never brings something small back from the shop or anything to cheer me up.

I realise I sound precious but am I just being taken for a mug??

OP posts:
wickerlady · 19/09/2024 14:05

I honestly couldn't get wound up about this.

offyoujollywelltrot · 19/09/2024 14:06

Another useless man. Turf him out.

Original poster
PopPopPopPopPopPop · 19/09/2024 14:06

Ok but it’s the principle of it. He wants to get them from the market which we keep missing due to other plans - but surely just get some from somewhere else. I just don’t feel like he wants to, and he keeps saying he will, but what’s the point now…

OP posts:
GinForBreakfast · 19/09/2024 14:07

He sounds inconsiderate. How much did you sub him?

Original poster
PopPopPopPopPopPop · 19/09/2024 14:08

A lot of money, I’m talking over £1000. We are looking for a flat now so I completely get him not overspending but…

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 19/09/2024 14:08

I suspect there is a huge backstory here, or a significant amount of other problems you haven’t mentioned. On the face of it this is a non-issue, if he works when the markets etc are open so has missed them, and wants to get those specific flowers. I wouldn’t be bothered about this whatsoever if it was my husband, but then my husband also makes me feel very loved, appreciated and supported every day, so to be upset with him over a bunch of flowers would be stupid.

EternallyIrked · 19/09/2024 14:09

Well I wouldn't be wanting flowers out of his first pay packet, I'd be wanting my £1k back. Jeez OP, open your eyes to the big picture.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 19/09/2024 14:10

I think I'd rather have my grand back than a bunch of flowers tbh

PrettyParrot · 19/09/2024 14:10

Buy them yourself and see what he does. If he gets angry and defensive then you know he is not a good long-term investment, if he gets sheepish and apologises then it is a good indicator.of maturity and willingness to improve.

Original poster
PopPopPopPopPopPop · 19/09/2024 14:10

Ok he has subbed me money before (not quite as much) and so I’m not too bothered. It’s just the principle of the flowers

OP posts:
alpacachino · 19/09/2024 14:12

When is he giving your money back?

Personally if he hasn't paid you back and he makes promises he can't keep when it's just a bunch of flowers I'd leave him

alpacachino · 19/09/2024 14:13

PopPopPopPopPopPop · 19/09/2024 14:10

Ok he has subbed me money before (not quite as much) and so I’m not too bothered. It’s just the principle of the flowers

Did you pay him back?

Arlanymor · 19/09/2024 14:13

PopPopPopPopPopPop · 19/09/2024 14:10

Ok he has subbed me money before (not quite as much) and so I’m not too bothered. It’s just the principle of the flowers

If you’ve both subbed each other then the money isn’t necessarily the factor is it? You want recognition of the support you gave him - whether that comes in flowers or in another way - and you’re not getting that. To be fair to him, I would think the first month in a new job, getting into the routine, travel, etc. is fairly full on. But by the second pay packet I would expect him to start making payments back to you and hopefully a gesture of his appreciation. Meal out or similar.

Love51 · 19/09/2024 14:14

I think your discomfort with this is that he wants the kudos of having bought you flowers without going to the effort of doing the actual buying. It is lazy but more than that, it feels dishonest.
It's one of those things which isn't a big deal but could be indicative of a pattern of behaviour.

Berthatydfil · 19/09/2024 14:14

EternallyIrked · 19/09/2024 14:09

Well I wouldn't be wanting flowers out of his first pay packet, I'd be wanting my £1k back. Jeez OP, open your eyes to the big picture.

This.
A bunch of flowers is a lot less than a thousand pounds and he cant even be bothered to go to the local supermarket to do that.

Its not a priority - you are being/have been taken for granted.
Ask him how hes planning to repay you the cash you subbed him.

alpacachino · 19/09/2024 14:17

Seriously if he can't do this what's he going to be like if the shit hits the fan?

Dweetfidilove · 19/09/2024 14:19

I hate a man whose actions do not line up with his words, so I'd go right off him.

loropianalover · 19/09/2024 14:21

he constantly said the first thing he’ll do with his money is buy me my favourite flowers to say thank you.

The fact he brought it up constantly is what has annoyed you. You obviously got your hopes up because he promised, and he’s let you down. It’s a very unattractive quality.

These ‘small’ things (a bunch of flowers, choc from corner shop etc) are often bigger let downs and more hurtful precisely because they would be so easy to achieve. It’s embarrassing to be making excuses about why he can’t get a bunch of supermarket flowers, and that would absolutely make me feel like a mug.

MrSeptember · 19/09/2024 14:33

Aahe, he's one of those. Just thinking and talking about something is the SAME as actually doing it and you're not allowed to be upset when he doesn't do it.

I get it OP. It's about acknowledging and appreciating you.

And I guarnatee this is just the tip of the iceberg and you actually have 1000 other examples. Most likely those are examples that bothere dyou but he convinced you that you were being irrational. But this one, you just know isn't irrational and on some level, you're extra irritated because of all the others that you secretly, deep in your heart, know were also not okay.

MrSeptember · 19/09/2024 14:46

it's like SIL - constantly justifying and accepting BIL's reasoning for his abusive, borderline-violent behaviour. Never seeing it as "that bad". Totally thinking it was her fault. Or that she was exaggerating what happened. It took BIL hitting someone ELSE for her to finally see it for what it was. I bet that's hwat's happening here. This is just the latest in a long line of shitty behaviours from him.

ChampagneLassie · 19/09/2024 16:30

id have been pissed off as soon as he was late. He declared this and promised it so has made you feel disappointed and under appreciated. I’d have probably told him well before now. Tell him now. You’re not being precious he created this situation. I’m sure he could call a florist now and you’d have a bouquet tomorrow. People who want to make nice gestures do thrn, don’t just talk about them

jay55 · 19/09/2024 18:29

I'd be going on and on about the really great Xmas gift I was getting him. And not get him anything. But I'm petty and single.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/09/2024 21:47

Like others I’d want my grand back. AND the flowers tbh. As a thank you for lending it.

Thinking he’s done his bit by talking about buying your flowers really doesn’t cut any ice here.

Rainbowqueeen · 20/09/2024 04:52

Tell him to ring a florist and get them delivered to you or stop talking about them.

I'd delay the talk about getting a flat for a few months too, while you see how all this pans out. Has he done anything else to show you how grateful he is? For example running errands for you while he wasn't working, doing all the cleaning and cooking??

CuriousGeorge80 · 20/09/2024 04:59

I wouldn’t want them anymore, and I would tell him that. Just say he promised them as a thank you but it’s been far too long, so it’s soured and would now be a waste of money. He’s a dick.