Are we ever responsible for other people's feelings?

[WhatNextThen]

17yo DS has a long term girlfriend. We love her and she's been like part of the family for over two years. Unfortunately DS cheated on her at a party about 7 or 8 months ago. He told her immediately, they broke up for a weekend and then they got back together, but DS says things have not felt the same (and I can't blame the girlfriend!). DS is now riddled with guilt. I suspect he's got to a point where he feels that maybe they should break up as they're going to uni in september, probably to opposite ends of the country. DS says he doesn't want to make her sad, hurt her again, etc. When I tell him that he needs to do the right thing for both and that he's not responsible for her feelings, only his actions, he argues that he is responsible for her feelings because he caused them. Is he right?? YABU: of course we are responsible for other people's feelings YANBU: we are only responsible for our actions, not other people's feelings

We’re responsible for other people’s feelings in that we shouldn’t do something cruel or purposely hurt someone for the sake of it - but in this instance he’d be hurting her feelings in the short term but it is better for her in the long term.

Of course he's responsible for her feeling having cheated on here, but he isn't responsible (imo) if he breaks up with her. He's done it once, he'll do it again at uni, the temptations are rife! Maybe she'll meet someone. They're both very young to be committing to one another.

Responsible to an extent but I don't think you should live your life putting others feelings before your own.
17 is very young , too young IMO to commit to one person.

It's a more complex question, something that I am not sure a young mind can grasp. Because, really, he is reluctant to break up with her not because he wants to spare her feelings but because making her upset will make him feel guilty. He is actually refusing to break up with her to avoid hurting his own feelings... Subconsciously, of course as i am not suggesting he is in any way malicious. He sounds like a lovely chap but, ultimately, that's what he is subconsciously doing.
Ultimately, yes. We can only be responsible for our actions and our feelings. If a stranger comes up to me and tells me shut up, I won't take notice but if my partner does the same, I will be upset. So it's me who modulates the feeling depending on the situation. Another thing, of course, that my partner should be aware of the impact his actions may have on me and that should hopefully prevent him from telling me to shut up...
You can see how there is no black and white answer.

They need to discuss this as mature people. He admits he has done wrong, feels remorseful and vows not to do it again. She then has the choice - she can’t forgive him (totally understandable and probably what I would do), or she takes him back. There is no half in half out approach where she is with him but awkwardly. That is just pointless. If that is the way she is playing it, yes he should break up with her and set them both free to date other people who they can trust.

I think saying that people aren't responsible for other people's feelings is a bit of an excuse for being a dick, not considering other people's feelings, and then saying "well I'm not responsible for how you feel".

But having said that, not wanting to hurt someone isn't a reason to not break up with them. That's just storing up the problem for later.

I think that I wouldn’t be encouraging such a serious relationship with such intense feelings at the age of 17…

No we're not responsible for other people's feelings, they are. We're responsible for our own feelings.

He obviously doesn't want to be with her anymore and should have finished the relationship before he cheated. It's unlikely to last anyway; they're both very young and are going away. Lost distance relationships rarely last.

I hope he's learnt his lesson regarding cheating.

Of course we are can be responsible for the feelings of others, nobody lives in a bubble. The actions we take impact other people on a daily basis.

Your son is feeling guilty about how he treated this girl more than anything else i suspect and that is stopping him doing the right thing and just breaking up with her.

They’ve very young, and frankly unqualified for either such a serious monogamous relationship or philosophical discussions about where your responsibility to others clashes with your responsibility to yourself.

I agree with @Catza’s point that he’s avoiding breaking up with her to spare his own feelings of guilt, because he feels grateful to her for taking him back after he slept with someone else, but is probably also resenting feeling gratitude, and the fact that it’s preventing him doing what he wants to do, which is to break up.

Yes, absolutely he should end this before they waste any more of one another’s time, and encourage him not to get tied down again in something exclusive once he goes to university.

We are all responsible for not purposefully, cruelly, willfully doing things that will hurt someone else just because we can.

We are not responsible for making decisions or having opinions that might cause hurt. But it is reasonable to accept responsibility for that hurt in the context of making a decision and accept it as a side effect. So in this case, yes, he will hurt her if he breaks up with her. And he should own that. Doesn't mean he shouldn't do it.

In your son's case it is a bit like ripping a plaster off - the 3 options are fast and sharp, slow and painful or leave it to fester and become infected and potentially a lot worse overall.

Isn't 17 when your feelings are most intense? I love Dh with a deep and abiding love. We have been together for over 20 years. If he was not in my life I would be devastated. But the intensity of my feelings for the boy I was in love with when I was 19..... well, that's something else! Maturity brings balance and moderation. I look back on my 19 year old self with complete bemusement. It was so silly and so intense and so ridiculous. But I was 19. it was normal.

Yes. You can’t stay in a relationship that isn’t making you happy just because it would hurt the other person’s feelings if you ended it. Or, obviously, you CAN, but it would be quite mad.

^^ This in a nutshell!

Yes I agree. I’m just saying that as a parent I wouldn’t be encouraging it. i wouldn’t be saying she’s part of the family etc. I think I’d be trying to play it all down a bit, trying to add some balance and perspective and trying to make sure they weren’t taking it all too seriously or getting too carried away.

it is very, very young.

If he did something to someone and they're upset, of course he's responsible for how they feel after. It's his fault.

It’s not as black and white as this. Of course we can’t be responsible for the precise feelings someone will suffer as a result of our actions as everyone will react in a different way - sometimes subtlety sometimes very differently ( that’s human nature) but we can a fellow humans understand that by taking a certain action we will cause certain feelings in response.

I.e. I know if I was to tell a child I would no longer take them to a sports club they liked going to they would be upset. Those feelings are a direct consequence of my actions and I knew that would be the case.

If I decided to take someone else’s desk at work without discussion, just cleared their stuff and moved mine in - I know that this action wold cause upset because of how I would feel if it done to me.

Ending a relationship if I’m the one doing it I know that the other person will have ( usually) negative feelings sadness / anger / grief

So while you can’t be responsible for the exact feelings , the human condition trains you to understand actions have consequences.

They will naturally drift apart and break up during the excitement of starting uni and meeting new people, you don't need to do it before and cause all kinds of extra hurt.

If he ends a relationship that is no longer working for him, and does so kindly and respectfully, and at an appropriate time, then he is doing all he can to take into account the knowledge that he will be causing hurt. He cannot, or should not, stay in the relationship to avoid causing hurt.

I think its more you can influence/cause how someone feels, but they are responsible for what they do with that feeling.

In this case he will cause her to feel sad /angy that they have split up again..

But it's not his responsibility for how she manages that. She can cut up pictures of him, go on holiday with the girls and buy a new dress, mooch about eating ice cream and crying, develop an alcohol problem. That bits on her really as none of those are inevitable reactions.

In some circumstances deliberately causing a bad feeling is cruel and makes you not a nice person though but splitting up isn't one of them.

Yes. There’s that old chestnut about my right to swing my arm stopping at the moment it impacts your face, but most situations are far more complicated than that.

And the elephant in the room on Mn is always the default mode of people-pleasing, where, all too often you see posters who can’t ever say no to anyone because they would have to deal with the consequences of that refusal in terms of internalised guilt etc.

Completely agree with this. And that’s how it should be- you get to experience the intensity of the emotion and think about the meaning of it all- before your entire life and home are bound up in it, before children are involved. It’s a safe time for the feelings without any real-world practical impact.

Nobody is responsible for anyone else's feelings but they are responsible for how they treat people.

Gosh thanks everyone but I'm so confused...