Page 2 | Are we ever responsible for other people's feelings?

WhatNextThen · 2024-09-19T10:18:34+00:00

17yo DS has a long term girlfriend. We love her and she's been like part of the family for over two years. Unfortunately DS cheated on her at a party about 7 or 8 months ago. He told her immediately, they broke up for a weekend and then they got back together, but DS says things have not felt the same (and I can't blame the girlfriend!). DS is now riddled with guilt. I suspect he's got to a point where he feels that maybe they should break up as they're going to uni in september, probably to opposite ends of the country. DS says he doesn't want to make her sad, hurt her again, etc. When I tell him that he needs to do the right thing for both and that he's not responsible for her feelings, only his actions, he argues that he is responsible for her feelings because he caused them. Is he right?? YABU: of course we are responsible for other people's feelings YANBU: we are only responsible for our actions, not other people's feelings

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 19/09/2024 13:55

why are you confused? I mean, surely if he's unhappy, and she's unhappy, as his mum, you need to make him understand that it's not useful for them to stay in a relationship and that short term pain is better than long term pain?

I can understand why HE is struggling - he's young, he's feeling guilty etc. But I really don't understand why you are confused.

ASphinx · 19/09/2024 13:58

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 19/09/2024 13:55

why are you confused? I mean, surely if he's unhappy, and she's unhappy, as his mum, you need to make him understand that it's not useful for them to stay in a relationship and that short term pain is better than long term pain?

I can understand why HE is struggling - he's young, he's feeling guilty etc. But I really don't understand why you are confused.

Yes, there’s no reason at all for you to feel confused!

Choosetolivelife · 19/09/2024 14:01

If the actions hurt people's feelings, unless they're being sensitive to a fault, than yes. Cheating makes your son the cause of his ex gf's hurt feelings. He is very much responsible.

Catza · 19/09/2024 14:59

Why are you confused, OP? At the end of the day, your son is nearly an adult and he needs to learn to navigate these issues himself. It really doesn't have much to do with you, I'm afraid.
You had a conversation with him and expressed your views. The rest is surely up to him.

@Choosetolivelife he is responsible but it still doesn't mean he should stay with her.

LittleBitAlexisLaLaLaLaLa · 19/09/2024 15:06

He’s responsible for her feelings insofar as he hurt her by cheating. But that doesn’t mean he should stay with her if he feels the relationship has run it’s course now. For her sake as much as his. He doesn’t have to be cruel about breaking up with her- I’m sure he won’t be by what you’ve said. It’s one of those things we all go through at some point when it’s your first ever relationship it’s hard to know how to do go about it the right way.

OutVileJelly1 · 19/09/2024 15:13

I think hes right to a degree

AmyFarrahFowler1 · 19/09/2024 15:38

Talk about overthinking things.

If he doesn’t want to be with her, then she shouldn’t be. It’s a shame if she’s hurt and upset but to be honest her reaction (or potential reaction) to that is not his problem and it’s not a reason to stay in the relationship. The alternative is that he stays in the relationship to avoid hurting her feelings and that’s clearly not the best thing to do. So that’s that then…

ASphinx · 19/09/2024 15:57

Choosetolivelife · 19/09/2024 14:01

If the actions hurt people's feelings, unless they're being sensitive to a fault, than yes. Cheating makes your son the cause of his ex gf's hurt feelings. He is very much responsible.

Edited

Don’t be silly. This isn’t some serial shagger breaking up a 30-year marriage because he can’t keep his zip up. He’s a teenager who slept with someone other than his girlfriend. Probably because it’s complete madness for kids of that age to be locked into some kind of monogamous semi-marriage which means his girlfriend is ‘one of the family’ and which started when he was 15!

He was a kid whose urges override his commitment to a relationship. He should probably have just ended the relationship then and there, but guilt meant he didn’t say that, just as he’s been dragging on the relationship since, out of guilt.

He’s confused because he’s a guilt-stricken teenager. The OP, an adult, has no cause for confusion. They’re both far better off out of the relationship , focusing on A levels and their separate futures at distant universities. It’s ridiculous for him to be wasting his time on disproportionate guilt.

Choosetolivelife · 19/09/2024 19:55

ASphinx · 19/09/2024 15:57

Don’t be silly. This isn’t some serial shagger breaking up a 30-year marriage because he can’t keep his zip up. He’s a teenager who slept with someone other than his girlfriend. Probably because it’s complete madness for kids of that age to be locked into some kind of monogamous semi-marriage which means his girlfriend is ‘one of the family’ and which started when he was 15!

He was a kid whose urges override his commitment to a relationship. He should probably have just ended the relationship then and there, but guilt meant he didn’t say that, just as he’s been dragging on the relationship since, out of guilt.

He’s confused because he’s a guilt-stricken teenager. The OP, an adult, has no cause for confusion. They’re both far better off out of the relationship , focusing on A levels and their separate futures at distant universities. It’s ridiculous for him to be wasting his time on disproportionate guilt.

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Don't be insulting, obviously hit a raw there judging by your completely righteous overreaction. Maybe calm down a bit, and realise that newsflash, everyone is entitled to their own opinion! Are you quoting the many others who share my opinion. He is responsible for hurting her, doesn't have to obviously stay with her, and is not obliged to do so. Oh that needs to say IMO, to avoid another rant 🙄

This is a MN board where everybody can share their opinion, how about that 😂

AmyFarrahFowler1 · 19/09/2024 19:58

Choosetolivelife · 19/09/2024 19:55

Don't be insulting, obviously hit a raw there judging by your completely righteous overreaction. Maybe calm down a bit, and realise that newsflash, everyone is entitled to their own opinion! Are you quoting the many others who share my opinion. He is responsible for hurting her, doesn't have to obviously stay with her, and is not obliged to do so. Oh that needs to say IMO, to avoid another rant 🙄

This is a MN board where everybody can share their opinion, how about that 😂

Edited

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Strange reaction to a perfectly acceptable post to be honest.

Choosetolivelife · 19/09/2024 20:01

AmyFarrahFowler1 · 19/09/2024 19:58

Strange reaction to a perfectly acceptable post to be honest.

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😂 that response was to me, not the op. It seems you're not allowed an opinion.

Createausername1970 · 19/09/2024 20:06

DoYouReally · 19/09/2024 13:20

Nobody is responsible for anyone else's feelings but they are responsible for how they treat people.

Pretty much what I was going to say. Different people react in different ways to the same set of circumstances.

However, you are responsible for your own actions and for considering how this might affect the other person and, if possible, try to accommodate the other person.

But cheating on someone isn't something that can be smoothed over, or made better so having said everything above, there are some circumstances where you have to be more culpable, and this is one of them.

AmyFarrahFowler1 · 19/09/2024 20:07

Yes I can see that. But I don’t think “calm down” is merited nor is the implication that this poster is “overreacting” just for expressing a different opinion. Unless you are actually insulted by their use of “don’t be silly” in which case I can’t help you.

i actually agree with the response you got. But its a difference of opinion in any case and that’s fine.

Haroldwilson · 19/09/2024 20:08

99% of school relationships break up and this is a good thing. So it's no biggy that they've broken up.

You're coming across as over invested in their relationship, if they're old enough to have a relationship, they're old enough to sort their own shit out.

What does it mean to be 'responsible for someone's feelings'? Does it mean carry the burden of guilt? Accept a causal relationship? Have a duty to put things right?

She trusted him. He cheated on her, betraying her trust and probably shattering her confidence. It was a shitty thing to do and should give him pause to think how he should act in future. But it's not something that needs to be a millstone round his neck all his life.

Tell him about the campsite analogy. When you leave a campsite it should be in at least as good condition as when you arrived. Don't singe the grass or leave litter etc. if possible, clean up what's there. Same goes for relationships - when you break up, you should aim for the other person to be in at least as good a place as when you got together.

He's broken this rule. If he makes a habit of it, he'll leave a trail of broken hearts through life. He needs a good think but also to recognize that he's a teen and this relationship was never going to last forever anyway.

If I were him, I'd be telling ex he's sorry and grateful for the time they had together and he recognizes the pain he caused. Then wish her well and off he goes.

Choosetolivelife · 19/09/2024 20:12

AmyFarrahFowler1 · 19/09/2024 20:07

Yes I can see that. But I don’t think “calm down” is merited nor is the implication that this poster is “overreacting” just for expressing a different opinion. Unless you are actually insulted by their use of “don’t be silly” in which case I can’t help you.

i actually agree with the response you got. But its a difference of opinion in any case and that’s fine.

Yes I value everybody's opinion, and don't quote one person rudely and condescendingly because they have a different opinion to my own. There are numerous people who share my opinion, it isn't off the wall. No need for somebody to have a rant at me personally. Yes share your opinion, but they don't need to aim it at me, by quoting, and reading into my short reply to the op, and not accepting we don't all think the same thing. And yes I didn't like the "don't be silly," it was OTT.

I agree that they break up, IMO her feelings are hurt because of him. That is it. Each to their own.

Choosetolivelife · 19/09/2024 20:19

Haroldwilson · 19/09/2024 20:08

99% of school relationships break up and this is a good thing. So it's no biggy that they've broken up.

You're coming across as over invested in their relationship, if they're old enough to have a relationship, they're old enough to sort their own shit out.

What does it mean to be 'responsible for someone's feelings'? Does it mean carry the burden of guilt? Accept a causal relationship? Have a duty to put things right?

She trusted him. He cheated on her, betraying her trust and probably shattering her confidence. It was a shitty thing to do and should give him pause to think how he should act in future. But it's not something that needs to be a millstone round his neck all his life.

Tell him about the campsite analogy. When you leave a campsite it should be in at least as good condition as when you arrived. Don't singe the grass or leave litter etc. if possible, clean up what's there. Same goes for relationships - when you break up, you should aim for the other person to be in at least as good a place as when you got together.

He's broken this rule. If he makes a habit of it, he'll leave a trail of broken hearts through life. He needs a good think but also to recognize that he's a teen and this relationship was never going to last forever anyway.

If I were him, I'd be telling ex he's sorry and grateful for the time they had together and he recognizes the pain he caused. Then wish her well and off he goes.

Best response on this whole thread.

TunnocksOrDeath · 19/09/2024 20:44

None of us has a responsibility to stay with someone we don't love, especially two people so young, and with no financial ties or children. We do have a responsibility to let people down in a way that is not unfair or unkind.
In my experience, the best break ups are where the person just says it. "I really like you as a person, but I don't feel the way about you that I should if this is going to go any further " (or words to that effect).
Letting it drag on half-heartedly, possibly cheating again when they're at separate universities etc. is just going to be more upsetting in the long term. He should set the poor girl free to find someone who does want her, or to just have fun kissing her metaphorical frogs.

MintyNew · 19/09/2024 20:45

AmyFarrahFowler1 · 19/09/2024 11:31

I think that I wouldn’t be encouraging such a serious relationship with such intense feelings at the age of 17…

Agree. They are kids, not adults and in 'relationships'.

financialcareerstuff · 20/09/2024 09:43

You are responsible for treating people with kindness, respect and honesty, not for manipulating their feelings to avoid short term pain.

Not breaking up when you want to is failing to be respectful and honest (again). It's not being honest about your feelings. It is also not being respectful, because you are keeping someone committed to you under false pretences.

You seem to think staying together is better for the girl? Why? Going into a long distance relationship, with someone who has already cheated on you, who is not sure they want to be with you, and sacrificing your own freedom to explore new things in those valuable, amazing university years, maybe going through years of having your romantic life on hold for someone who is not sure.... how is that the respectful option? It's robbing valuable years from someone.

Your son hopefully has learned a lesson and needs to accept that he damaged this relationship beyond repair. He should let her go to enjoy a fresh start.