Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

One week at a new school and my son is a different boy (ASD)

33 replies

Merryoldgoat · 19/09/2024 11:10

My brilliant son has just started high school - he has ASD (Asperger’s type) and really struggled at primary after about Y3. He was always telling us he was bored, never talked about school and we and school (who were generally very supportive) had to work hard to keep him in and on an even keel mental health wise. He found the loud class and the constant conflict (which was poorly managed) distressing and we had a child who absolutely hated school and saw no value in it.

He sat his SATS and we expected him not to meet expected levels as he produces so little work and hated the lessons but he passed them all so we hoped the right high school might help him flourish.

He’s in an independent specialist (EHCP funded) and I have a different son in less than 2 weeks. He’s been identified as reading well above his age so will have some English classes with Y9, he’s told me that he is starting to understands why maths is interesting now and that he likes the longer maths lessons.

I’ve had positive feedback from his teaching team and I just feel like crying with relief - i realised this morning for the first time in years I’m not worried he’s unhappy at school and that I’m going to get a call.

He is even starting to be open to trying new foods and is making friends.

Just goes to show how quickly change can happen in the right setting with the right people.

I hope this give other parents with children like mine that things can get better.

OP posts:
user1471556818 · 19/09/2024 11:12

I'm so pleased for you all especially your ds.How wonderful. Thank you for posting this it really shows how the right situation can make so many things click together.

Lifeisgood1 · 19/09/2024 11:15

Currently experiencing the same with my son. Hated school, had a mental breakdown, severe anxiety, 2 weeks at college and he's like a different person! Xx

Auburngal · 19/09/2024 11:15

Know of two boys who changed schools and better for it as on the autism spectrum

PurpleHiker · 19/09/2024 11:23

That's great! Love reading positive stories like this.

Chessfan · 19/09/2024 11:28

Merryoldgoat · 19/09/2024 11:10

My brilliant son has just started high school - he has ASD (Asperger’s type) and really struggled at primary after about Y3. He was always telling us he was bored, never talked about school and we and school (who were generally very supportive) had to work hard to keep him in and on an even keel mental health wise. He found the loud class and the constant conflict (which was poorly managed) distressing and we had a child who absolutely hated school and saw no value in it.

He sat his SATS and we expected him not to meet expected levels as he produces so little work and hated the lessons but he passed them all so we hoped the right high school might help him flourish.

He’s in an independent specialist (EHCP funded) and I have a different son in less than 2 weeks. He’s been identified as reading well above his age so will have some English classes with Y9, he’s told me that he is starting to understands why maths is interesting now and that he likes the longer maths lessons.

I’ve had positive feedback from his teaching team and I just feel like crying with relief - i realised this morning for the first time in years I’m not worried he’s unhappy at school and that I’m going to get a call.

He is even starting to be open to trying new foods and is making friends.

Just goes to show how quickly change can happen in the right setting with the right people.

I hope this give other parents with children like mine that things can get better.

Made me a bit teary reading that. Well done your boy.

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 19/09/2024 15:01

Thank you everyone for your kind words - I’m honestly so proud of him. I feel like he will finally get all the support he needs.

It feels so wrong that not everyone gets what they need to do well as a matter of course.

OP posts:
Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 19/09/2024 15:02

I have to say, his teachers seems outstanding - calm, focused, kind, patient. It’s just brilliant.

OP posts:
Peachyqueen · 19/09/2024 15:03

I could have written this myself! I'm so pleased for you, it's the most amazing feeling knowing that they're thriving and achieving. Long may it continue for us all! 😊

saoirse31 · 19/09/2024 15:06

Thats such a lovely post, so brilliant for your ds!

Nanny0gg · 19/09/2024 15:15

Merryoldgoat · 19/09/2024 11:10

My brilliant son has just started high school - he has ASD (Asperger’s type) and really struggled at primary after about Y3. He was always telling us he was bored, never talked about school and we and school (who were generally very supportive) had to work hard to keep him in and on an even keel mental health wise. He found the loud class and the constant conflict (which was poorly managed) distressing and we had a child who absolutely hated school and saw no value in it.

He sat his SATS and we expected him not to meet expected levels as he produces so little work and hated the lessons but he passed them all so we hoped the right high school might help him flourish.

He’s in an independent specialist (EHCP funded) and I have a different son in less than 2 weeks. He’s been identified as reading well above his age so will have some English classes with Y9, he’s told me that he is starting to understands why maths is interesting now and that he likes the longer maths lessons.

I’ve had positive feedback from his teaching team and I just feel like crying with relief - i realised this morning for the first time in years I’m not worried he’s unhappy at school and that I’m going to get a call.

He is even starting to be open to trying new foods and is making friends.

Just goes to show how quickly change can happen in the right setting with the right people.

I hope this give other parents with children like mine that things can get better.

I'm so pleased for your son

But sadly, it won't be the same for many others as there are so few schools like yours.

I hope he continues to thrive - it's such a relief for you

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 19/09/2024 15:17

Nanny0gg · 19/09/2024 15:15

I'm so pleased for your son

But sadly, it won't be the same for many others as there are so few schools like yours.

I hope he continues to thrive - it's such a relief for you

Show quote history

I know - it’s so wrong that so many won’t get the help they need.

OP posts:
Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 19/09/2024 15:18

@Lifeisgood1 @Peachyqueen

Oh that’s brilliant news - I’m so glad your children are having a positive experience too

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 19/09/2024 15:19

What great news. What a huge relief for you.

I remember years ago my DM worrying about DB starting secondary as he was unhappy at juniors and she thought it would just get worse. Turned out he loved the different subjects and going to different classrooms and actually enjoyed school.

DejaTu · 19/09/2024 15:21

Sooooo happy for you and your DS OP!

CooksDryMeasure · 19/09/2024 15:23

I’m so pleased for you and your DS. What a relief!

LostittoBostik · 19/09/2024 15:24

So pleased for you! Can I ask how and when you got the diagnosis.
My DD has just started Y3 and is immediately struggling with the change of pace. I've suspected ASD for a while but school is not helpful. She's finding maths particularly tricky

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 19/09/2024 15:32

LostittoBostik · 19/09/2024 15:24

So pleased for you! Can I ask how and when you got the diagnosis.
My DD has just started Y3 and is immediately struggling with the change of pace. I've suspected ASD for a while but school is not helpful. She's finding maths particularly tricky

Of course! He was diagnosed age 5 but evidence was collected for his EHCP during Y1, Covid disrupted Y2&Y3 so it wasn’t in place until end Y3.

The school was supportive but they weren’t very ‘good’ at actually supporting him. Having a TA he trusted made all the difference to his emotional wellbeing at school.

OP posts:
shellyleppard · 19/09/2024 15:35

Op that's fantastic news to hear. So pleased for you X let's hope the progress continues x my son used to struggle at school but wouldn't talk to me about it. Just kept his head down. Waiting for a autism diagnosis (now 19 year old). He finally saw a doctor last year and she has been fantastic with him

ntmdino · 19/09/2024 15:45

For what it's worth, this exact thing happened to me when I went to secondary school - I suddenly had a whole new set of people to observe and copy social interactions from, and I got to start again with a clean slate and with none of the memory of all the social mistakes I'd made (which kids never forget).

Basically, outwardly I was an entirely new version of "me".

While there was extra pressure in terms of the additional masking (I was, obviously, undiagnosed at that point), there was also something freeing in the fact that I could build that new version as something that was much closer to me without needing to pay attention to the baggage. The result was that my parents - particularly my mother, for whom it was "the family problem" - thought I'd grown out of it; it was much easier to maintain the new facade both at school and at home, so it looked to all intents and purposes like I'd abruptly changed into a happy kid.

While this might sound bad, it really wasn't - the reality is that I was much happier. My social life had expanded, I had a supportive group of friends, I could be much closer to the real "me", I felt like I was making progress in all parts of my life and there was a lot less stress now that all of the above contributed to academic success (failure was a big stressor for me).

Ultimately, I was the exact same kid. The only change was that my world suddenly got a whole lot bigger, and (counter-intuitively) that made everything much easier for me to cope with.

This is just an anecdote (and please treat it as such), but it does seem spookily similar to your son's journey; I genuinely had a great time at secondary school, and I hope he does too!

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 19/09/2024 16:06

@ntmdino

I’m afraid I don’t see the parallel - he’s in a school where everyone is autistic and his autism isn’t a problem I want to solve, his unhappiness is.

My point is that he didn’t need to change, his environment did and now it has he can be exactly who he is/wants to be.

I don’t want him to ‘appear’ happy, I want him to ‘be’ happy.

No masking is required - the whole school is designed to be for children with ASD.

OP posts:
ntmdino · 19/09/2024 16:24

Merryoldgoat · 19/09/2024 16:06

@ntmdino

I’m afraid I don’t see the parallel - he’s in a school where everyone is autistic and his autism isn’t a problem I want to solve, his unhappiness is.

My point is that he didn’t need to change, his environment did and now it has he can be exactly who he is/wants to be.

I don’t want him to ‘appear’ happy, I want him to ‘be’ happy.

No masking is required - the whole school is designed to be for children with ASD.

Nonono...I wasn't trying to imply that it's a problem you want to solve! I know from previous threads that you're a lot more modern-thinking than that in your approach to parenting when it comes to ASD :) I think my story missed the mark I was aiming for, though....

My anecdote was purely aimed at saying that, even undiagnosed and in a school not designed to cater for autistic folk, just the embiggening of the world and lots of new people to observe can make for a happier autistic child just from the exposure to new experiences and people (but, obviously, not always - sometimes, it's catastrophic). The experience of moving to secondary school taught me that there's value in putting in the effort to try new things where it's possible - that not all change is bad, and it's sometimes worth pushing through my natural resistance to form new boundaries a bit further out.

Basically, it was supposed to be a positive :)

In my experience, for what it's worth, there's still a certain amount of masking and scripting that goes on between autistic folk...there's always a sort of negotiation period that goes on where both parties kind of adjust to see how much (or how little) of their mask needs to be there to ensure a harmonious interaction, and then it gradually drops over time. As adults we kind of laugh about it (once we feel safe to do so), I'd actually be really curious to see how autistic schoolkids handle it...I'd imagine that, in the environment you describe, it's a much quicker and more matter-of-fact process.

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 19/09/2024 16:32

I'd imagine that, in the environment you describe, it's a much quicker and more matter-of-fact process.

Is definitely is! Quite something to watch as an outsider as well - a very rapid fact exchange to ascertain common ground and then the sharing of chips 🤣

OP posts:
TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 20/09/2024 10:31

Seems to be happening to mine as well, at 17 - he dropped out of sixth form at his previous school and has restarted A levels at a subject specialist sixth form college which is not a special school but by its nature has more students with autism than average so is designed to be more autism-friendly than most schools manage to be.
We’ve had so many disappointments over the years that I am terrified to jinx it by saying it’s going well but so far all the signs are good.

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 20/09/2024 20:41

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 20/09/2024 10:31

Seems to be happening to mine as well, at 17 - he dropped out of sixth form at his previous school and has restarted A levels at a subject specialist sixth form college which is not a special school but by its nature has more students with autism than average so is designed to be more autism-friendly than most schools manage to be.
We’ve had so many disappointments over the years that I am terrified to jinx it by saying it’s going well but so far all the signs are good.

That’s great to hear - I hope all carries on going well

OP posts:
mummyof2boys30 · 20/09/2024 21:56

I could of also written this post. 6 months ago i was considering home schooling but wanted to give high school a chance. We have had a complete turn around. From running away for teachers in primary, escaping from them. Leaving him screaming daily. Now in a school that cares, , treat him with compassion and follow his statement. He even has joined 2 after school clubs.