In laws!!

[Hydref66]

What would you do with an in-law who constantly puts you down and makes every effort to make sure that you understand where you stand in the family (absolutely right at the bottom!!!) For context SIL is a very unpleasant person. Just the other day for example she asked why my DH (her brother) had been helping our best friends so much recently (they have just lost their baby and she is well aware of this!!?) when I tried to give her an answer (even though I was gobsmacked by such a question) eg “well thats just how DH is, he wants to help” she had the NERVE to tell me “I dont think its your place to tell ME about my own brother , your nothing here, not your place!” Erm excuse me?! 1) you asked the question (unbelievabley so!) 2) Erm I am his WIFE, carried and birthed his children?! Excuse me? This is just one example but god!!! WWUD? NC is so tempting but I want to give her a piece of my mind!

I've been part of the in-laws life for 30 years and yet I am not family.
Once you decide to not engage and you manage to get through the sadness of not having in- laws you like it's quite liberating.
SIL now has a life limiting diagnosis, nothing has changed, still very distant, passive aggressive or just in your face rude. The difference is I can shrug and say'you were n't very nice in your 20s' (and 30s and 40s) and not get caught up in grief.

I'm experienced at this, from MIL (now passed) & SIL. Just don't engage. Any retaliation is used against you, either now or later. Walk away, tell your DH you won't tolerate her abuse anymore, not even for his easy life, & won't see her until she behaves or tolerate her saying horrible things to your DC about you, either.

It was only when I finally did this that it truly took their power away. DH also had to deal wih it instead of letting me cop their vile behaviour for his easy life.

I also refuse to do Xmas or other occasions with them. DH can, but I won't. Last night he said he wasn't sure how we were going to do Christmas this year as SIL will likely ask, & I told him I'm not spending it with people who ignore me. I'm firm on this. After 25 years I realised I shouldn't tolerate poor behaviour for other people's comfort.

The best way to deal with rudeness ime is to act slightly dense and question them. Display zero embarrassment, shine the brightest light on what they just said, stay calm and make them explain their position. It never fails to make them squirm.

'I'm nothing? What an odd thing to say Sarah! What do you mean, i'm nothing?'. Then just look at them and wait. Don't be frightened by any silence, don't try to fill it. Just stare at them and wait. So fucking satisfying watching the bullying nob crawl up their own arse.

If they blurt out an answer, keep going along the same line until they squirm.

Always shine a (very calm) light on bad behaviour to shut it down. It also works very well when training or teaching a group of adults with an overgrown disrupter 😂

Do nothing. That means, down tools. Don’t arrange anything, don’t you send cards and buy presents, don’t cook, don’t communicate with them. Let your DH do it.

If and when you see them just be polite, like you are talking to Vera down the road. Be busy, bright and breezy, like you really couldn’t care less whether they like you or not.

If your in-laws aren’t inclusive and nice to you, have as little to do with them as possible. Don’t do the “I’m nice, honest. You’ll like me when you get to know me” dance. You’ll be wasting your time.

I’ve changed so much recently. I do not give drama llamas, game players and disrespectful people the time of day. I genuinely don’t give a shit what these people think. I’ve got my own lovely family and friends and no one else matters.

Your SIL is 44, and lives at home. I take it she has no DC?

I’ve got a similar set up.

To her, your DH and her DP’s are her closest family, along with your DC. She probably feels threatened by you, and fights to maintain her place in the pecking order by ensuring you know where your place is, at the bottom.

You need to just keep taking a step back at a time to a place where she doesn’t affect you.

My MIL enables my SILs childish, entitled behaviour, and after one episode I did tell my MIL that I wanted to get along with her and my FIL as they are my DHs parents, and my DCs DGP, but as for my DHs sibling, she was nothing to me, and I wouldn’t be putting up with any crap from her. That I didn’t care whether she liked me or not, or if I saw her or not. MIL looked shocked at this, but honestly my SIL has been a massive pain in the arse for decades. Then I just took steps back.

Pity her.

If she’s 44 and still living with her parents and is being nasty to you and trying to make you feel on the outside, the chances are high bitterness is setting in and she’s jealous.

If you can laugh about it inside or feel pity for her then it will make you feel better. I know that’s not the nicest thing to do, but if you want to still see your MIL/FIL it’s one way of getting through it without a rage burning inside of you which only harms you.

Thank you. Yes SIL has no DC of her own, although she does try to use mine I feel as though they were her own and she constantly undermines me as their Mother. I must admit I am starting to feel sorry for her. She is going to be a very very sad, very lonely old woman after DIL’s day
. FIL and MIL both enable her behaviour as well and they see no wrong in her actions “poor DSIL, all she has in life is her own little room” 🥴🥴 ?? She works full time and does not pay a penny for her keep. I am in a very similAr situation to you.

Can't buebe you haven't said anything yet!

im going to have to, the whole thing is making me ill.

What a gift, you no longer have to give a shiny shit about her. Your MIL and FIL will have to put up with consequences of her behaviour which are behaving like a dick equals no visits/no interest I her and her sad little life. I'd be clear they are welcome to visit you but SIL is in the bin and not welcome and will not be given any air time. No visits from DCs for her either, I wouldn't expose them to her awfulness

"Oh Jenny, maybe if you find a husband of your own one day you'll understand haha"

"Oh is that so Jenny? Do you think your auntie Susan is more important in your dad's life than your mum then?! Bit weird. Maybe you will understand if anyone ever wants to marry you! "

In seriousness though, I'd be telling your husnand very directly that unless he can put a stop to this attitude, the bitcjy comments, and the undermining you with your own children, I'll end up snapping and will NOT be taking any blame in the fall out from that. Much better and nicer coming from her precious brother.

My DSIl has fallen out with all of her Aunties because of the way they treated her mother apparently 🥴🥴 weird isnt it yet she still expects my DC to treat her with respect x

well either you say "get to fuck you absolute Bitch" or you stop going to places where she will be.

And either your PILs and DH will be on board with that or they won't. Either of those options.

It is basically (I used the C word) what i said to one of my SILs about 35 years ago and i haven't seen her since. My DH carried on seeing her for a bit but less and less and I'd guess it's about 30 years since he had contact. She is a cow and the other sisters moan about her. And i give them the same advice. They don't take it.

Thanks, I think this really is the last straw, its by far not the worse thing shes done, but the build up of everything.

Life is too short to waste it with twats, tbh.

I have never ever done the wifework thing, and i certainly never arranged birthday cards etc for my in laws. And my DH had never bothered much before we married. But as soon as we married? MIL and some of the SIL (i had 6) were all "well you forgot uncle jack's birthday, and mother's day" etc etc

I just used to say "i don't have an uncle jack, and i had a great day with my mum" etc, until one day i just told them to STFU and speak to DH. They never did because they just wanted to whine about me and he never put up with it.

I think I’d say to her, “I know your brother in ways you can’t possibly imagine,” with a filthy laugh.

😂😂 Excellent reply! I did think to myself you jonestly think you are more important to him than the woman who carried and birthed his children and nearly died of a PP haemorrhage , really?!

If she's always a dick you shouldn't have been gobsmacked. It's just her standard behaviour.
I'd struggle to be attracted to a man who happily allows his relatives to act like cunts to me.

True but this was a “ah i see now why you’ve been a cunt all these years, you’ve finally shown why”

Invite PILS to your house or out to lunch somewhere. Make it at a time SIL can’t come or be clear she isn’t invited.

Oh no, make it at a time when the SIL is able to come but don't invite her!

Just curtly tell her, that you know her brother better than she does actually, its you he shares his hopes and dreams with, shares his children with and life.

He chose to be with you and you are the mother of his children. You are your own family. I would keep referring to your own family to her until she gets it.

This would 100% really get under her skin, im starting to think she has some weird unhealthy obsession with her brother. Cant seem to see him as anything but her little brother.

She is like this because her life hasn’t moved on from her childhood. She is still the little girl of the family living under her parents roof.
She has no concept of having her own family so therefore no understanding. She sounds very immature.

As I said before, pity her.

100% , what makes her even more infuriating is talking down to people as if she has all this life experience, shes an expert in a bit of everything 🙄🙄