AIBU to be miffed that my ex didn’t tell me straight away that our son was off school today.

Pinksparkles84 · 2024-09-18T19:14:12+00:00

Long story short, my ex had DS last night after school. We parallel parent and I left him due to narcissistic abuse. We agreed that I’d have DS 8 out of 14 nights a week and him 6 out of 14 nights a week. Whenever he has DS he plinks him in front of an iPad for 10 hours and feeds him domino’s pizza. Ex has been very difficult about a number of things and we’re not really on speaking terms. He text me at 8:45 this morning to say that DS was poorly and he was off school. I assumed that he’d be with ex at home. Ex then text back to say he had taken our son to work because he couldn’t get the day off and my MIL collected our son and took him back home. I’ve been quite busy today but have been feeling uneasy about it. Surely if DS was unwell he should have told me first and seen if I could have helped. I guess his thinking was that it was his day with DS and so he had to make his own arrangements but as a mother it would have been nice to have been told first thing in the morning so I could check in on him. I did work today but my boss has said I can WFH if needed and they’re very flexible with childcare. AIBU to be a bit miffed.

junebirthdaygirl · 18/09/2024 20:22

I would just leave it as he came up with a plan and at least gm was there to mind him. He sounds like it would just drain your energy to discuss it with him so l wouldn't bother

Sirzy · 18/09/2024 20:25

I think this is one of those cases with the other parent can’t do right for doing wrong. The counter argument could easily have been “AIBU to think my ex should arrange childcare when our son is sick on his days”

MartinCrieffsLemon · 18/09/2024 20:27

Exactly as you said - it's his time to have DS so it's up to him to arrange child care

Cosyblankets · 18/09/2024 20:27

Would you have contacted him if it had been your day and your child was sick?

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/09/2024 20:29

Sirzy · 18/09/2024 20:25

I think this is one of those cases with the other parent can’t do right for doing wrong. The counter argument could easily have been “AIBU to think my ex should arrange childcare when our son is sick on his days”

I agree with this. His day, he sorted it.

Frogmarch89 · 18/09/2024 20:31

You're being silly. This is not an issue

PointsSouth · 18/09/2024 20:32

He dealt with it. What’s your problem?

Incidentally, that was more like ‘short story long’.

Pantaloons99 · 18/09/2024 20:33

If he is a narcissistic abuser and difficult, you have to let this one go. If he wasn't I'd also say to let this one go.

The best response, no matter how you feel would be something like ; ' hey, no worries. I don't mind being contacted to help out if you get stuck next time. I'm often wfh'.

If you aren't speaking then I see you couldn't do this.

If he displays ongoing Narc traits then you can't help but think everything is an attempt to bait you - and it might be. I'd look up Yellow Rock technique. There's no other way.

In general, you could say he wasn't putting any responsibility on you in light of fact it's your day off so to speak. If there's any way you can get on speaking terms and treat him with Yellow Rock it would possible make life easier.

Edenmum2 · 18/09/2024 20:33

I think if you make a big thing out of this then you would be behaving very unreasonably

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 18/09/2024 20:33

It’s your non contact days, your ex manages the illness just fine.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 18/09/2024 20:36

His responsibility, he sorted it.

That's what even crappy exes are supposed to do with their children.

MonsteraMama · 18/09/2024 20:39

His day, his responsibility, he came up with a solution. This is a non issue.

Would you have contacted him first thing in the morning had it been your day?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 18/09/2024 20:42

I think he did fine in the circumstances. It would be worse if he assumed you should take the day off work rather than him finding a solution on his day.

Original poster

Pinksparkles84 · 18/09/2024 20:44

MonsteraMama · 18/09/2024 20:39

His day, his responsibility, he came up with a solution. This is a non issue.

Would you have contacted him first thing in the morning had it been your day?

I would have done. When my son got Covid last month I text ex straight away.

I guess it’s hard because I can’t trust him and like Pantaloons99 (great name by the way) said it’s hard to trust there’s not another agenda or whether he’s baiting. He’s done this in the past to try and get control over me so it’s good to get an outsiders point of view and in this case I think I’m just overthinking it and he was being a responsible parent for a change.Hopefully one day I’ll be able to move from this mindset and not think every man is out to abuse me!.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pinksparkles84 · 18/09/2024 20:47

Sirzy · 18/09/2024 20:25

I think this is one of those cases with the other parent can’t do right for doing wrong. The counter argument could easily have been “AIBU to think my ex should arrange childcare when our son is sick on his days”

Good point. I’m probably more surprised than anything as he’s always left me to sort these things out. Maybe I should give him the benefit of the doubt.

OP posts:

DoreenonTill8 · 18/09/2024 20:49

Pinksparkles84 · 18/09/2024 20:44

I would have done. When my son got Covid last month I text ex straight away.

I guess it’s hard because I can’t trust him and like Pantaloons99 (great name by the way) said it’s hard to trust there’s not another agenda or whether he’s baiting. He’s done this in the past to try and get control over me so it’s good to get an outsiders point of view and in this case I think I’m just overthinking it and he was being a responsible parent for a change.Hopefully one day I’ll be able to move from this mindset and not think every man is out to abuse me!.

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Honestly you're overthinking. What agenda would he have or how would he be baiting you in this situation?
Although if his previous behaviours have caused this thinking am so sorry.

Pantaloons99 · 18/09/2024 20:55

@Pinksparkles84 I believe as you say, previous behaviour has led to you suspecting everything. If he has history of baiting, gaslighting, no accountability, no remorse, no empathy - how can you ever trust him. I get it.

That's why not reacting to anything is key - the text example I gave would be suitable for a Narc Personality Disordered dickhead as well as for a decent, innocently intentioned dad.

I appreciate it's very difficult to do this ( yellow rock communication) if someone is so hideous. The aim is that they realise you won't react strongly after a while so they give up baiting you.

Doltontweedle · 18/09/2024 20:56

Sirzy · 18/09/2024 20:25

I think this is one of those cases with the other parent can’t do right for doing wrong. The counter argument could easily have been “AIBU to think my ex should arrange childcare when our son is sick on his days”

This. He’s got up, found the child wasn’t feeling very well, apparently immediately text the op to let her know (which he didn’t have to do). Went through his own inconvenience to arrange childcare where he had been take the child to work and have him collected, when the child was then looked after by his nan. And he kept the op undated on the situation. I appreciate there’s history but he couldn’t have done better in this case, he didn’t have to tell the op anything at all, let alone prance off to work leaving her to have to rearrange her work and childcare on HIS contact day!

ilovelamp82 · 18/09/2024 20:58

Some would think the opposite. If it would be your preference, just let him know that if it happens again, he can call you.

distractmeagain · 18/09/2024 20:59

he did tell you.. he text at 8.45 and said DS was poorly and wasn't going to school! did you text him back asking if he needed any help?

he sorted the issue.. he took DS to his work until his mum could come get DS and take him?

i really don't see the issue?

at least he didn't do what my ex did one day when DD2 (8 at the time) was poorly... he dosed her up on redbull and took her out for the day with him... jesus it took me days to bring her down to earth again

ZanyPombear · 18/09/2024 21:02

I thought about it and you know what? If he really is a narcissist then he won’t be giving your son an ok time when he’s ill and he’d of been better off with you. And for that reason alone yanbu.

ErinAoife · 18/09/2024 21:03

I do agree with you. As the mother you should be the first call and if you can't do it yes,he can find someone else. In my opinion a parent who doesn't want to call the other parent is because they don't want to be bothered with their kids when it is not their time with them so they are reluctant to call the other parent in case they are asked to help out when it is not their time with the kids.

ErinAoife · 18/09/2024 21:08

Doltontweedle · 18/09/2024 20:56

This. He’s got up, found the child wasn’t feeling very well, apparently immediately text the op to let her know (which he didn’t have to do). Went through his own inconvenience to arrange childcare where he had been take the child to work and have him collected, when the child was then looked after by his nan. And he kept the op undated on the situation. I appreciate there’s history but he couldn’t have done better in this case, he didn’t have to tell the op anything at all, let alone prance off to work leaving her to have to rearrange her work and childcare on HIS contact day!

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I find it weird to say that you think he did not have to tell her that their kid was sick because it was his contact day. The mother should be inform if her kid is sick and vice versa if the kid is sick when with the mother. You don't stop being a parent when it is not your contact day.

lmhj · 18/09/2024 21:12

distractmeagain · 18/09/2024 20:59

he did tell you.. he text at 8.45 and said DS was poorly and wasn't going to school! did you text him back asking if he needed any help?

he sorted the issue.. he took DS to his work until his mum could come get DS and take him?

i really don't see the issue?

at least he didn't do what my ex did one day when DD2 (8 at the time) was poorly... he dosed her up on redbull and took her out for the day with him... jesus it took me days to bring her down to earth again

Edited

Exactly what@distractmeagain says here.

He text you, what was your reply.

My old boss taught me re assume, assume nothing. It makes an ass out of u and me.

lmhj · 18/09/2024 21:15

@ErinAoife yes but type bad parents don't.

OP turn it around as if he was posting. I have my child basically fifty fifty, child unwell, I let ex know, arranged childcare, she is cross