AIBU to be miffed that my ex didn’t tell me straight away that our son was off school today.

[Pinksparkles84]

Long story short, my ex had DS last night after school. We parallel parent and I left him due to narcissistic abuse. We agreed that I’d have DS 8 out of 14 nights a week and him 6 out of 14 nights a week. Whenever he has DS he plinks him in front of an iPad for 10 hours and feeds him domino’s pizza. Ex has been very difficult about a number of things and we’re not really on speaking terms.

He text me at 8:45 this morning to say that DS was poorly and he was off school. I assumed that he’d be with ex at home. Ex then text back to say he had taken our son to work because he couldn’t get the day off and my MIL collected our son and took him back home. I’ve been quite busy today but have been feeling uneasy about it. Surely if DS was unwell he should have told me first and seen if I could have helped. I guess his thinking was that it was his day with DS and so he had to make his own arrangements but as a mother it would have been nice to have been told first thing in the morning so I could check in on him. I did work today but my boss has said I can WFH if needed and they’re very flexible with childcare. AIBU to be a bit miffed.

Yes. But the title of the post is literally how her ex didn’t tell her their son was off school that day. And accuses him of being a narcissistic abuser because of it. Then goes on to say that he did actually tell her at 8.45 that morning. And then further informed her that his Nan was caring for him for the day. I just meant if he wanted to be a prick he didn’t have to tell her anything, it’s argued on here all the time that the other parent isn’t entitled to any information at all on the other parents contact day. If he wanted to be a mega prick he’d have still sent the kid to school. People on here seem to be agreeing he’d have been a prick for dumping the issue on the op. I’m not sure what she’s complaining about tbh

A lot of posters on here would be complaining that a hopeless Dad dropped an ill child at Mum’s on his day and made it Mum’s problem. I think in this instance your ex is just taking responsibility and solving his own problem.

I have a different understanding of the op posting. For me, she is upset that her ex did not contact her to ask her if she could mind their child instead he ask his mother. I did not think she is complaining that she wasn't informed he was sick as she did mentionnedxhe texted her to let her know that their kid won't be in school, she was under the impression that the ex is minding the child but it turned out the grand mother was. She is upset as being the mother that he did not ask her first. This is my understanding of the post and if it is correct I do agree with her she should have been the first person he contacted as it is her child.

I should have clarified that the time we were together he was a narcissist abuser, controlling and manipulative, so I find it incredibly hard to trust anything he says or does as historically there has been an agenda behind it. Since we broke up he’s been more unpredictable (he text me the other day to say that our son was very sad at school and he didn’t know why. It turned out that my ex had got angry at him for not doing something that was needed for school and sent him up to his room). He’s very inconsistent. Other times he’s nice as pie and contacts me asking how I am. I’m probably analysing it too much but it always feels like there’s a hidden agenda. Even in this case there probably isn’t l, but it’s hard to trust he’s being genuine.

so what did you reply to the text at 8.45? i understand he was an abusive ex, but given that you don't trust a word he says.. when he text you to tell you your child was poorly at 8.45.. what was your reply? its kind of the crux of the whole thing...

That’s correct. I think as a mother I’ve always wanted to be there when DS is ill and I’m annoyed that I was the last to know out of the school and his mum.
The reason I feel like there’s a hidden agenda is because of his past behaviour and how he’s always wanted to look like the good guy when he clearly wasn’t. If he was a normal guy I wouldn’t think anything of it and we’d be coparenting instead of parallel parenting. Also a part of me thinks he did it this way to get a reaction out of me, but again it may just be from past experience and having zero trust in him.

So his first text was to let me know that DS was unwell, high temperature and that he just wants to be in bed. I replied asking to give DS a big cuddle and that I’d call at lunchtime to check on him.
Ex replied about 40 minutes later to say he was at work with DS and that his mum was having DS.

I think that’s down to opinion though. If a poll was put up where a child was sick on dads contact day, and the two options were for either the dad to arrange appropriate childcare, or for the dad to contact the mum and ask her what to do, I’m pretty sure most people would pick the first option. I’m still unclear why the op is so unhappy about having to wfh with a sick child rather than have him looked after by nan, unless there’s issues with nan we don’t know about

On reflection maybe I should have changed the title to reflect my point. 🤦‍♀️

so no offer of help?... i think you are looking for something that isn't there! he let you know your son was ill, you replied with 'give him a hug'... not do you want me to drop everything and come over?

This!

It’s because I assumed he was having DS at home and not his mum. After he said about his mum having DS I then offered to go and get DS but he declined. I’m just feeling annoyed and guilty that I wasn’t able to be there for DS and MIL had him instead.

can i suggest you turn that annoyance and guilt round.. your son was in the very capable hands of his dad and his nana... this should be making you feel better about things... how are you going to feel when son is poorly when you have him, are you going to message your ex and tell him son is off school and are you going to be ok if he starts getting miffed that he left you too it?

i hope your son is better soon and back to school, but i really think you need to let this one go.

Absolutely - I’m sure many posters would think it fine if their own Mum helped out on a “poorly” day, but don’t like it when their ex does the same

I think the fact he was abusive in your relationship - which I’m not minimising at all - is clouding how you feel about this.

It’s the right thing for the parent with responsibility on that day to arrange childcare.

When you first knew that your son was unwell you "I assumed that he’d be with ex at home". At that point if you really felt strongly that AT HOME, with a PARENT, was the only place your son should be, you should have CHECKED whether your EX could get time off, and OFFERED to have your son when he couldn't. When you didn't do this, the message you sent to ex, was that you were happy for him to deal with looking after your son in whatever way he could. Which he did, so there's nothing to complain about.

Yes I think so. In reflection and reading back the comments I think I’m overthinking things for sure. Thanks everyone for your comments. Sometimes just writing these things down and getting some outside perspective helps. I think it would benefit me to take a step back and let it go for my own sanity. My judgment has definitely been clouded by him and coming to terms with being in a toxic relationship has taken its toll on me more than I thought. Still on the road to recovery!
I think it probably more the shock that he sorted it out when he’s always previously made it my thing to fix.

Don’t make a rod for your own back by taking DS on ex’s days.

There are so many threads where women are tearing their hair out because their ex’s are dumping the kids on the mum on the men’s contact days.

His day, his child, his duty.

P.S It's 'grey rock' you need to google as a technique for handling narcs

He texted you at 8.45 - am?

I often don't get round to telling my ex till later in the day, particularly if I am sorting a sick child, sorting work arrangements etc.

I am sure he has heaps of other failings but it sounds like he told you quite promptly

Yes this. It's really helped me

Honestly the way you're trying to control the narrative of this thread with anyone who disagrees with you are you sure you're not the controlling narcissistic one?
You say you're just shocked that he didn't leave the arranging to you because he always did - no wonder he always did if he can't do anything right in your eyes!
Being controlling in a relationship isn't always controlling where the other person can go, what they can wear etc - it can also be controlling what the other parent can and can't do with their children and always putting them down, making out that every decision they make for the children is wrong - it's usually separated mothers that do that type of control. Which is exactly what you're doing here!

Sorry but when child is with other parent, it is up to the other parent to make plans accordingly.

As a non resident parent myself, it's so hard to get it right.

I don’t think he did anything wrong. He told you by 8.45am. He contacted the school and arranged care for him on his day. Same as you’d do no doubt if he was sick on your day. If you want to be asked first if you can care for him when he’s sick then ask, but as long as your DS was ok with his grandma then I’d leave him alone to actually parent. It’s good he sorted, my ex would have been straight on the phone to me to ask me to take the day off as of course his job is so much more important!