Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To confront my rude friend?

55 replies

addictedtolove022 · 18/09/2024 19:37

I have a friend who is much older than me. We met at work and just gelled. We have been close friends for about 6 years now.
I mention her age because she is of that generation where they don’t mince their words. However…I went over on Monday to do her a favour, take her to an appointment. When I arrived she told me she didn’t like my outfit.
I didn’t say anything at the time but found myself justifying what I was wearing (for context it was just leggings and a matching top as I had been out walking the dog and running errands). Later on I thought this isn’t the first time she’s commented on my appearance. It bothered me a lot. I just don’t see the need in saying something which is going to bring someone down? Especially a friend who is doing you a favour?
I text her that evening and told her she had made me feel quite down and I didn’t appreciate her commenting on my appearance. I’m sure I don’t always “like” what my friends are wearing but I don’t feel the need to point it out as it is only going to bring them down? They’re entitled to wear whatever they like.
But now I find myself myself feeling bad for saying something to her. She did apologise but made out I was being over sensitive and she was just making a joke? Which I don’t agree with at all.
So AIBU??

OP posts:
TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 18/09/2024 19:38

She’s not your friend.

Friends don’t make each other feel shite.

As for ‘was just a joke…’. Nah.

SwingTheMonkey · 18/09/2024 19:39

Nope, don’t feel bad. Good friends don’t make each other feel like shit.

WhatNoRaisins · 18/09/2024 19:41

I don't see what you've done wrong, you didn't like how she behaved towards you and you told her why in plain speaking. I think you handled it as well as you could.

lightsandtunnels · 18/09/2024 19:42

You are right to call her out. I'm of the certain age where we speak our minds BUT there is a difference to speaking your mind and being bloody rude!
I would not comment on a friend's outfit in such a negative way so YANBU.

I hate the whole 'Oh I was only joking' stance too. Perhaps she is jealous of you, maybe she has low self esteem or maybe she is just rude and not quite the friend you thought she was.

Skyrainlight · 18/09/2024 19:43

You did the right thing telling her.

TheOccupier · 18/09/2024 19:44

I think this is the sort of situation where you have to say something right away or not at all. Brooding and messaging later is a hiding to nothing. I would just have screamed "alright Pam, unfortunately my chauffeur uniform didn't come back from the dry cleaner in time for me to DRIVE YOU TO YOUR APPOINTMENT, should we call it a day and I'll take my shitty outfit home" but I fear I may be of "that generation" too.

Rosybud88 · 18/09/2024 19:44

We collectively need to stop feeling bad for pushing back when people are rude. She dished it out so she can take it.

Clarabell77 · 18/09/2024 19:44

I don’t think you can say it’s a generational thing. My grandparents, parents, older relatives and friends wouldn’t behave like that. It’s nasty and rude regardless of her age and you were quite right to pull her up on it. You shouldn’t feel one bit guilty - that’s the sort of attitude that made her think she could get away with it.

Original poster
addictedtolove022 · 18/09/2024 19:45

lightsandtunnels · 18/09/2024 19:42

You are right to call her out. I'm of the certain age where we speak our minds BUT there is a difference to speaking your mind and being bloody rude!
I would not comment on a friend's outfit in such a negative way so YANBU.

I hate the whole 'Oh I was only joking' stance too. Perhaps she is jealous of you, maybe she has low self esteem or maybe she is just rude and not quite the friend you thought she was.

I think if say we were out shopping and I tried on something unflattering I would feel differently, as that’s said coming from a place of love to someone when you don’t want them to look like shite? I don’t know. She has been a really great friend to me, especially over the last few months, which is why I feel bad about it.
Maybe it’s just a case of foot in mouth.

OP posts:
Original poster
addictedtolove022 · 18/09/2024 19:46

TheOccupier · 18/09/2024 19:44

I think this is the sort of situation where you have to say something right away or not at all. Brooding and messaging later is a hiding to nothing. I would just have screamed "alright Pam, unfortunately my chauffeur uniform didn't come back from the dry cleaner in time for me to DRIVE YOU TO YOUR APPOINTMENT, should we call it a day and I'll take my shitty outfit home" but I fear I may be of "that generation" too.

😂 love this. I did make a comment, as she was telling me how someone at work had complimented her on her hair earlier that day. I said I wouldn’t know as all I get is insults to which she just laughed so like you say, I probably wasn’t clear enough. I’m trying to work on sticking to my boundaries more often.

OP posts:
FranceIsWhereItsAt · 18/09/2024 19:47

Well done for speaking up OP! If only more of us could bring ourselves to do it, rather than letting nasty people get away with saying hurtful things, just because they think they're of an age where they can say what they like, and we're afraid of confrontation. I think I might be backing of from this 'friend!'

bergamotorange · 18/09/2024 19:52

Well done for speaking up, next time do it when she says something.

If she continues to be rude, maybe rethink the friendship a bit.

JumperStripes · 18/09/2024 19:54

YANBU. She would have done better to apologise and leave it at that. Saying it was a joke makes it worse.

CLola24 · 18/09/2024 20:02

I feel as though I unserstand your situation. I have a few much older friends and one of them behaves in a way which I don't think I'd let slide if it wasn't for her age. I honestly cannot see her changing and feel as though confronting her would only serve to let her know that I think she's a bit of a dick sometimes; because I doubt she'd adapt, it wouldn't be constructive. Personally I balance whether it's worth it and have put a bit of distance between us. This really is not in my nature at all.

My advice is to think about why you put up with it, is it because she's worth it, or is it more reflective of issues you have with eg. boundaries or self esteem?

BMW6 · 18/09/2024 20:04

Your "friend" is just a nasty bitch

Nothing to do with her age group and speaking her mind.

Original poster
addictedtolove022 · 18/09/2024 20:06

CLola24 · 18/09/2024 20:02

I feel as though I unserstand your situation. I have a few much older friends and one of them behaves in a way which I don't think I'd let slide if it wasn't for her age. I honestly cannot see her changing and feel as though confronting her would only serve to let her know that I think she's a bit of a dick sometimes; because I doubt she'd adapt, it wouldn't be constructive. Personally I balance whether it's worth it and have put a bit of distance between us. This really is not in my nature at all.

My advice is to think about why you put up with it, is it because she's worth it, or is it more reflective of issues you have with eg. boundaries or self esteem?

@CLola24
Yeah, it’s difficult at the moment. I’ve just come out of a very abusive marriage which she knows the ins and outs of. So I think she’s saying I’m overthinking people’s comments when they don’t mean any harm by them. But after what I’ve just come out of, I’m not willing to be criticised (in that kind of way) by people anymore.
I think regardless of my situation or mental health it just isn’t a nice thing to say to someone who is a friend.

OP posts:
Irridescantshimmmer · 18/09/2024 20:14

I think rent-a-gob needs to get her backside and big mouth to her own appointments herself in future, instead of wasting your petrol, time and energy.

Next time she asks you for a lift, just say no, and she will now have to jump into the same hole she dug to $hit in.

It's harder for them to wriggle out of a closed answer such as no.

Gratefulforlife66 · 18/09/2024 20:24

Maybe she’s jealous of you? You’re younger than her. But even so, she shouldn’t speak to you like that. If she does it again, I’d look shocked, and say “wow. Bit rude!!” Then be a bit off/aloof with her. If it continues, I’d distance myself. As someone else pointed out, friends don’t put you down.
maybe you should’ve said “I like my outfit, but you’re probably a bit too old for it so it’s a good thing you don’t like it!!”

Original poster
addictedtolove022 · 18/09/2024 20:45

Gratefulforlife66 · 18/09/2024 20:24

Maybe she’s jealous of you? You’re younger than her. But even so, she shouldn’t speak to you like that. If she does it again, I’d look shocked, and say “wow. Bit rude!!” Then be a bit off/aloof with her. If it continues, I’d distance myself. As someone else pointed out, friends don’t put you down.
maybe you should’ve said “I like my outfit, but you’re probably a bit too old for it so it’s a good thing you don’t like it!!”

Who knows? I can’t see why she would be jealous of me. I think maybe she just speaks before she thinks? I honestly don’t mind that she doesn’t like my outfit, I just don’t see why some people find it necessary to make comments on things that don’t even affect them 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Gratefulforlife66 · 18/09/2024 20:57

Well that’s good that you don’t care whether she likes your clothes. I agree that some ppl seem to think it’s ok to make rude potentially hurtful comments!
my mum used to say if you can’t say something nice, then stay quiet!
maybe if she’s rude again, either respond as I stated in my first response to you, or say “when I want your opinion I’ll ask for it!!”

TheNoodlesIncident · 18/09/2024 20:59

She's not the type to think first "What do I hope to achieve with this?" is she... I wouldn't say that to any of my friends (or strangers either tbh), as the only outcome is that I've made the friend feel bad.

I think you were right to bring it up, it wasn't nice of her to say anything negative like that. She needs to be reminded to think about what she says, by the sound of it. Also, I pulled up my dc on making personal remarks to ensure he realised it's bad form; why doesn't an adult, especially an older adult, understand it's not appropriate to make negative personal remarks?

MichelleParsnip1983 · 18/09/2024 21:04

She cannot be dissin u gurl (as my 15 year old would say😂) you better tell that lady that your feelings batter too!!! Take her negative energy and bin it! Like I always say if they nasty, they in it for the money and NOT the honey (picked it up from my older sister when we were little LOL) Xx

MichelleParsnip1983 · 18/09/2024 21:06

I meant better not batter!!! Apoligies.😅

Pantaloons99 · 18/09/2024 21:09

Good for you! I have spoken up as kindly as possible to people and the reactions have been strong. So I don't really speak much with them. It's partly them! This is what happens when certain people are called out on their bullshit behaviour.

' I was only joking ' and ' you're too sensitive ' are phrases I will never tolerate or belief again. This tells me EVERYTHING I need know about someone.

Beaverbridge · 18/09/2024 21:19

Another one saying good for you. She, ll maybe think before she opens her big gob in future. I also hate the chat, it's only a joke. Funny how no ones laughing then!!.