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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To confront my rude friend?

55 replies

addictedtolove022 · 18/09/2024 19:37

I have a friend who is much older than me. We met at work and just gelled. We have been close friends for about 6 years now.
I mention her age because she is of that generation where they don’t mince their words. However…I went over on Monday to do her a favour, take her to an appointment. When I arrived she told me she didn’t like my outfit.
I didn’t say anything at the time but found myself justifying what I was wearing (for context it was just leggings and a matching top as I had been out walking the dog and running errands). Later on I thought this isn’t the first time she’s commented on my appearance. It bothered me a lot. I just don’t see the need in saying something which is going to bring someone down? Especially a friend who is doing you a favour?
I text her that evening and told her she had made me feel quite down and I didn’t appreciate her commenting on my appearance. I’m sure I don’t always “like” what my friends are wearing but I don’t feel the need to point it out as it is only going to bring them down? They’re entitled to wear whatever they like.
But now I find myself myself feeling bad for saying something to her. She did apologise but made out I was being over sensitive and she was just making a joke? Which I don’t agree with at all.
So AIBU??

OP posts:
xsquared · 18/09/2024 21:22

She did apologise but made out I was being over sensitive and she was just making a joke? Which I don’t agree with at all.

That's what gaslighters say when they know they are in the wrong but would rather blame shift, tell the other person they are the problem to avoid accountability. She's not your friend, sorry.

MrsMitford3 · 18/09/2024 21:25

what are the ages of you and your friend?

just interested in what generations you are referring to

ForPearlViper · 18/09/2024 21:26

"she is of that generation where they don’t mince their words".

'
Which generation is this?. I'm in my 60s as are all my friends, my Mum's in her 90s. None of us would ever comment on your clothes that way. OK, if we were shopping together I might say 'I'm not sure that colour is as nice as that other colour' or 'I'm not sure the cut of those leggings doing you justice'.

When it is talking to a friend about their appearance it isn't about generation. It's being a friend and being a rude non-friend.

stonedaisy · 18/09/2024 21:27

She's been a bit over familiar, also mummsy there. And she should have just apologised after you messaged her.
She's not going senile is she?

LivelyMintViper · 18/09/2024 21:36

Maybe ask her what was funny about her remark. Perhaps she could explain the joke.

LivelyMintViper · 18/09/2024 21:37

Perhaps ask her to explain what was funny about her remark

LivelyMintViper · 18/09/2024 21:38

Sorry posted twice for some reason!

Original poster
addictedtolove022 · 18/09/2024 21:48

She’s 70 and I’m 37. I appreciate what people are saying, I have generalised and shouldn’t have. Just in my experience these kinds of people I’ve encountered personally have been around that age.

OP posts:
Original poster
addictedtolove022 · 18/09/2024 21:50

stonedaisy · 18/09/2024 21:27

She's been a bit over familiar, also mummsy there. And she should have just apologised after you messaged her.
She's not going senile is she?

Mutual friends do see us as having a mother-daughter type relationship so maybe that’s why she felt she could make a comment?

OP posts:
Yellowbananasarebetterthangreen · 18/09/2024 21:58

I dont think its fair to say that the older generation dont mince their words.
Your so called friend clearly doesnt but thats just her. None of my older friends are like that. Plenty of younger people are though.

ASphinx · 18/09/2024 21:59

I’m also fascinated by which generation you think is ‘rude’ purely virtue of age?

Original poster
addictedtolove022 · 18/09/2024 22:07

ASphinx · 18/09/2024 21:59

I’m also fascinated by which generation you think is ‘rude’ purely virtue of age?

@ASphinx If you read the thread I’ve clarified what I meant by this.

OP posts:
Doone22 · 23/09/2024 17:31

People misjudge. I'd make a comment if my sister or bestie was wearing something bad enough to be laughed at. But not other friends.

sinckersnack · 23/09/2024 17:44

Your second example persuades me that she was joking. When she said that someone had complimented her on her hair your response sounds like exactly the sort of self-deprecating joke I'd make in response. Since she laughed I think that's how she saw your comment.

If you'd been playing it straight I'd have expected you to say - "Yes Susan, it does look lovely,". But you didn't.

However if you didn't like what she said about your leggings that's not to be dismissed. There are times when it's just not right or it was misjudged and you are entitled to say that to her. However you should really have said at the time - much in the way pervious posters have suggested.
(I'd have said - "Thanks for that helpful fashion advice! Do you wanna walk to the hospital?" with a laugh - which she'd more than likely have joined in with.)

It sounds like the friendship is something you both value so unless there are other reasons for ending it I'd put this behind you.

Findinganewme · 23/09/2024 22:05

Different generation or not, I don’t think age is an excuse. She was being unkind and probably knew it too.

Teeny1977 · 23/09/2024 22:06

So she knows that you have just left an abusive relationship and thinks it’s ok to put you down rather than build you up? Regardless of how old she is that’s not ok.
You should not feel bad for messaging her about how she made you feel and maybe for a bit just be less available for when she needs you….. remember SHE NEEDS YOU, more than you need her. Yes she may have helped you recently while you’ve had stuff going on but that dosent give her the right to keep pulling you down instead of letting you flourish and grow now that your circumstances have changed.

Tudorfan · 26/09/2024 16:52

Poster i'm 38 years old and have a very good friend who is 78 years who has helped me on end over the past 6 years after I left an abusive marriage. She has never commented negatively on what i'm wearing or made me feel bad in any way. I'd be wary, if anything people should be extra sensitive around what they say to someone who has been abused. If she was a man her comment and subsequent reaction would be waving all of the red flags.

MounjaroUser · 26/09/2024 17:04

It doesn't matter what age she is, she was incredibly rude, especially given you were giving up your time to do her a favour.

You have said about your history - I think this would be a great opportunity for you to lay down boundaries. This woman is telling you you don't have the right to be upset - you're just being over-sensitive. I bet your ex used to say that, didn't he?

I wouldn't confide in her any more and I wouldn't do her any more favours. I'd stay civil, but that's it. She's not a good friend. You are, though - I hope you find friends who are worth having.

MadCatWoman7 · 26/09/2024 17:42

Is she in her 80s? I have two friends like this and laugh at them when they comment on my appearance and tell them not to look at me then. If however she is still in her 50s or 60s, then she is being downright rude.

AW24 · 26/09/2024 17:50

I wouldn't think too much of it. You clearly both have very different taste in clothes.
I'm sure there's things she wears you don't like, only you have the sense to keep it to yourself.

Says more about her than you.
You're not right or wrong to say it. Maybe she needed to hear it.

Cardiganoutsidein · 26/09/2024 17:55

@addictedtolove022 she has definitely been rude, and you dealt with it really well.

she has also apologised. I know the ‘it’s just a joke’ can be used by gaslighting pricks, but there are people who genuinely would think this was banter. She may also be embarrassed by her actions and trying to minimise what she said- just because she doesn’t give the text book ‘good’ response doesn’t mean she hasn’t taken it on board.

I’d let it lie and move on. She has been a good friend in general, so she deserves the benefit of the doubt.

i think if this becomes a pattern of slagging you off then you don’t need to tolerate it. But I bet she winds her neck in after this. And also probably respects you for telling her to politely F.O! This age group do appreciate straight talking

Allfur · 26/09/2024 18:01

not mincing words is a personality thing, not a generational thing

Userofcoffee · 26/09/2024 18:07

xsquared · 18/09/2024 21:22

She did apologise but made out I was being over sensitive and she was just making a joke? Which I don’t agree with at all.

That's what gaslighters say when they know they are in the wrong but would rather blame shift, tell the other person they are the problem to avoid accountability. She's not your friend, sorry.

Yep 💯^^
OP I'm glad you told her.

PosiePetal · 26/09/2024 18:10

It’s not an age thing, she’s just rude and doesn’t deserve a nice friend who helps her out.

Original poster
addictedtolove022 · 26/09/2024 19:03

@Tudorfan I understand what you’re saying and really appreciate you have been in a similar situation. I just don’t want her to feel she can’t have a laugh with me in case it tips me over the edge as she obviously feels it’s me “taking things the wrong way” because of my situation.

@MounjaroUser yes, he did make me question myself so much and that’s something I’m still really struggling with. Despite him being charged by the police I’m still really doubting myself. So I am second guessing everything I feel especially at the moment. Your comment about me being a good friend has really touched me, thank you 💖

@Cardiganoutsidein absolutely, I won’t be mentioning it again and hopefully she won’t be rude to me again. I don’t want it to affect our friendship at all but felt I needed to say something as it bothered me. Still don’t know if I was right to but I’m hoping we can move past it and I can also stick to my boundaries!

OP posts: