Very long post. Sorry.
On face value I am a competent adult. I have a very busy, very responsible full time job that I am really good at and I successfully co-parent two children, HOWEVER:
● I have emails in my personal inbox that I have been ignoring for weeks because I am unable to allocate any headspace to them. These relate to important stuff like my car insurance renewal. I know they're there and I know I need to deal with them but I just....can't.
● I don't budget and never check my bank balance as I convince myself that I'm overdrawn when I'm not. I have even partially covered part of my screen with my fingers to avoid having to look at my balance. My finances are fine but I did get in trouble with overdraft/credit cards in my early 20s and still feel like that "bad" person.
● There is an item on my stairs that has been there for weeks now. I walk past it daily and think "I should take that upstairs and put it away" yet I never do.
● I NEVER return anything I buy online that doesn't fit. The effort of packaging items up and going to the post office is just too much for me.
● I never go to the supermarket as I find it unbearable and hate the meal planning and then having to eat what you've planned (what if you don't fancy it?!). I live off deliveroo grocery deliveries instead which is far too ££.
● I HATE using any unfamiliar petrol station and will drive past the ones I do know, even if on fumes, if there isn't a pump free on the side that my petrol cap is on or if there is a queue.
● I am early for everything and get panicky if I think there is even a miniscule chance I might be late for something. I work 30 mins extra ever day unpaid just by being stupidly early. They put me on a late start for a few weeks and I just sat at home dressed and ready to go for work for the 3 hours before I had to leave.
● I look at unknown destinations I'm driving to on google maps to see exactly where I am going to park. I cannot just find somewhere when I get there.
● I do not have the ability or energy to maintain relationships with people outside of work. I go off radar for long periods and leave messages unopened in my whatsapp chats for ages as I just dont have the brain space for them (bog standard messages, nothing contentious or difficult subject matter wise). This applies to friends (don't have many) and siblings.
● I went to uni and dropped out in first year as had zero ability to work independently/manage my time/go to lectures/do work. I then ignored all of this until it got to crisis point and I didn't tell my parents until I effectively got kicked out. This is despite getting all As at A Level. Super smart but just couldn't do uni at all.
● I become fixated on subjects, TV shows or bands and will consume all media I can find relating to them. This goes in cycles of coming back to same things over and over again.
● I drink too much on occasion just to stop the incessant noise in my head (never on a school night or when i have the DC). My brain just never stops. A constant barrage of disjointed thoughts/things I remember I need to do/things to distract me from the things I know I need to do/rumination.
● I lose things CONSTANTLY. My house keys, purse etc and I go straight to panic mode. Not rational about these things at all.
● I worst case scenario absolutely bloody everything. If my kid is late home from school I leap immediately to her being abducted/murdered rather than the bus not turning up.
● If I detect any sort of cooling off/decrease in interest when dating someone I will just mentally detach. If someone didn't reply to a text I sent I would just never text them again assuming they did not want to talk to me again.
● I get frustrated easily especially with other people doing things "wrong" or not following rules etc.
● My diet is either totally unrestricted (too many takeaways, never look at calories, never weigh myself even though I know I'm gaining weight) OR obsessively restricted (>1000 cals a day, weighing myself twice daily, taking laxatives, avoiding any socialising that involves food). Completely incapable of moderation.
● During the week I go to bed at the same time as my DC partly because I'm usually knackered but also partly because sleep is an escape from having to deal with "stuff" but on a weekend when I don't have my kids I will have wild nights out.
This is not even all of it just what has come to me as I've sat here writing this.
I know I should probably not be asking strangers on the internet what is wrong with me but I'm curious if any of this sounds familiar to anyone else and maybe it isn't just me living life by the seat of my pants like this?
T'is bloody exhausting 😴😔
Thanks if you made it this far x