to ask you what you think is wrong with me?

[AlienPantFarm]

Very long post. Sorry.

On face value I am a competent adult. I have a very busy, very responsible full time job that I am really good at and I successfully co-parent two children, HOWEVER:

● I have emails in my personal inbox that I have been ignoring for weeks because I am unable to allocate any headspace to them. These relate to important stuff like my car insurance renewal. I know they're there and I know I need to deal with them but I just....can't.

● I don't budget and never check my bank balance as I convince myself that I'm overdrawn when I'm not. I have even partially covered part of my screen with my fingers to avoid having to look at my balance. My finances are fine but I did get in trouble with overdraft/credit cards in my early 20s and still feel like that "bad" person.

● There is an item on my stairs that has been there for weeks now. I walk past it daily and think "I should take that upstairs and put it away" yet I never do.

● I NEVER return anything I buy online that doesn't fit. The effort of packaging items up and going to the post office is just too much for me.

● I never go to the supermarket as I find it unbearable and hate the meal planning and then having to eat what you've planned (what if you don't fancy it?!). I live off deliveroo grocery deliveries instead which is far too ££.

● I HATE using any unfamiliar petrol station and will drive past the ones I do know, even if on fumes, if there isn't a pump free on the side that my petrol cap is on or if there is a queue.

● I am early for everything and get panicky if I think there is even a miniscule chance I might be late for something. I work 30 mins extra ever day unpaid just by being stupidly early. They put me on a late start for a few weeks and I just sat at home dressed and ready to go for work for the 3 hours before I had to leave.

● I look at unknown destinations I'm driving to on google maps to see exactly where I am going to park. I cannot just find somewhere when I get there.

● I do not have the ability or energy to maintain relationships with people outside of work. I go off radar for long periods and leave messages unopened in my whatsapp chats for ages as I just dont have the brain space for them (bog standard messages, nothing contentious or difficult subject matter wise). This applies to friends (don't have many) and siblings.

● I went to uni and dropped out in first year as had zero ability to work independently/manage my time/go to lectures/do work. I then ignored all of this until it got to crisis point and I didn't tell my parents until I effectively got kicked out. This is despite getting all As at A Level. Super smart but just couldn't do uni at all.

● I become fixated on subjects, TV shows or bands and will consume all media I can find relating to them. This goes in cycles of coming back to same things over and over again.

● I drink too much on occasion just to stop the incessant noise in my head (never on a school night or when i have the DC). My brain just never stops. A constant barrage of disjointed thoughts/things I remember I need to do/things to distract me from the things I know I need to do/rumination.

● I lose things CONSTANTLY. My house keys, purse etc and I go straight to panic mode. Not rational about these things at all.

● I worst case scenario absolutely bloody everything. If my kid is late home from school I leap immediately to her being abducted/murdered rather than the bus not turning up.

● If I detect any sort of cooling off/decrease in interest when dating someone I will just mentally detach. If someone didn't reply to a text I sent I would just never text them again assuming they did not want to talk to me again.

● I get frustrated easily especially with other people doing things "wrong" or not following rules etc.

● My diet is either totally unrestricted (too many takeaways, never look at calories, never weigh myself even though I know I'm gaining weight) OR obsessively restricted (>1000 cals a day, weighing myself twice daily, taking laxatives, avoiding any socialising that involves food). Completely incapable of moderation.

● During the week I go to bed at the same time as my DC partly because I'm usually knackered but also partly because sleep is an escape from having to deal with "stuff" but on a weekend when I don't have my kids I will have wild nights out.

This is not even all of it just what has come to me as I've sat here writing this.

I know I should probably not be asking strangers on the internet what is wrong with me but I'm curious if any of this sounds familiar to anyone else and maybe it isn't just me living life by the seat of my pants like this?

T'is bloody exhausting 😴😔

Thanks if you made it this far x

Very similar to me and I have asd and anxiety.

I do think ADHD is actually a form of normal. So many people have ot diagnosed and u diagnosed.... so it can't be 'abnormal' now surely? I'm 99% sure I have ADHD. As do quite a few people I know!

Yes, that's exactly what I thought. Dd has definite ADHD traits, as does dh. I have never really considered that I might have. In particular I have always found it a massive struggle to be organised, and I have a strong tendency to avoid things which feel complicated to do. I think I'm good at hiding it though.

I identify with a lot of what you've written and am AuDHD

Definitely interesting to read the responses. This is behaviour I could fall into because I'm quite an anxious person. I make my husband do the finances because we are spending so much at the moment with small kids. I usually make him get the petrol too. The big difference is I am OVERLY organised in my house and inboxes (everything really) to avoid the frustration of losing things and not getting things done. I have to do things straightaway and get rid of excess things so they're off my plate.

Literally read the first few and immediately went to adhd. I am a lot of these things and got diagnosed adhd last year!

Also upon reading your thread in full, AuDHD probably. (Also me) - like needing things a particular way etc leans more into the autism side of things as well as socialising etc

Your first point is task paralysis for example. The 'additude' website is a really good place to start for some info. And I think 'how to adhd' is the name of a good YouTube channel.

ADHD

So many people here with ADHD. My first thought was avoidant, possibly a bit lazy but then concluded that a lot of these traits are almost the ADHD diagnoses 'script'

I'm not sure about pathologising personality too much and it's completely up to you and your judgement if you seek a diagnosis.
I relate to much of what you state in your post: I have also wondered if there is something "wrong with me" bit ultimately - I can help myself. There are many times when I know that I'm delaying something and making it more stressful than the 10
Minutes of minutes it would take to sort it.
I don't need a diagnosis to tell me that I need to find a way to sort that out.

If you think a formal diagnosis will help somehow, please get one:
I personally just need to stop battling with myself and get it all done.

I don't know but I do relate to 95%

Can guess from my username that I have some experience of ADHD.. I could have written about 80% of what you posted. I didn't want to read and run..but I have little advice. I've learned to timetable and structure my world. I did this very successfully with 2 young children at an early age. My career has been stop/start because of my complete inability to complete/focus- however I've learned to again have a clear cut process with work and the tasks I'm expected to finish. The fear of being without an income is apparently greater than my ADHD chaos. Similarly my home is very ordered and structured as I can lose days if it isn't to the detriment of work.
I can maintain close friendship but not relationships and I'm prepared to let that slide. It's exhausting just being me and my now grownupchildren,let alone have to consider another person. I wish I had advice but I don't, I forced myself to do structure and organised life because the alternative was my kids would be affected. But I went over the top with that too.. any disruption to routine freaked me out and still does to the point I can't bring myself to go on holiday as it isn't part of my structured life. Nights out are very difficult, money is a.. shambles even at my age earning a decent wage. I calendar every event no matter how trivial and I make lists almost every day to look at and reassure myself that there is a plan. I've tried micro dosing with various products, alcohol can easily become a problem so I try to control my intake. Have recently been introduced to some concentrated mushroom drops, these have helped. I'm looking into .. sorry for rambling, it was just too familiar to read what you posted. Wish you well OP

People with ADHD have a higher rate of dropping out of university as well. They’re on their own, with no parent yelling, “I hope you’re doing homework in there!” to keep them on track, and managing study skills on their own can be overwhelming.

Another vote for probable ADHD.

You sound completely overwhelmed and need time off work. Ironic you work at a doctors surgery.

Time off - 6 weeks- anti depressants and counselling - get stuff off your chest, make a gentle plan, pack up the booze, maybe check out AA, and just take its very slowly getting things done.

I recognise most of it.

Isn't it just normal life? Modern life, the juggle etc... it is quite frankly too much for most of us to handle. The more successful many of us appear to be at it, probably the more its costing us in the moments of panic/stress.

Too many things to focus on mentally
Social media etc making us think we should be able to do it all
Surrounded by so so so much food but pressured to be thin

Do you get any time for yourself, for wellbeing? To just do low key soothing low stimuli things. A relaxed walk, a soak in the bath, read a book, watch a bit of telly, potter in the garden, chat on the phone with a friend?

The problem isn't all the people

The problem is the societal expectations being out of whack with what is reasonable for the vast majority of normal humans.

OP are you me??! Stress and ADHD in my case, maybe yours too.

I could have written that too. It's actually made me feel really emotional seeing it all written down like that. It really is crippling and exhausting most days and I feel extreme guilt/shame over not being able to 'adult' properly.

Sounds like autism/ADHD.

It does sound like a combination of ADHD, GAD, OCD and quite possibly you are on the spectrum.
I have some of these symptoms myself.
Are the SSRIs helping with the anxiety?

What meds were you prescribed please @outsidedoggy

An awful lot of what you've written here resonates with me 🫣 at my age I see no point in a diagnosis but have suspected adhd for some time. What will change if you have a diagnosis? I have two DC with autism early intervention is key - I'm not sure how useful it is when you've spent half your life trying to figure out what the issue is.

Ditto all of the above. Seems you're not alone! Life is totally overwhelming most of the time. Sometimes I try to justify it or reason it out so reading the responses on here makes me realise why I find it so much harder than others seem to. Thanks for sharing!

I would skip the wild nights out, put on some nice music or a podcast, but some nice snacks and make a start on all the tasks you need to do