To be at my wits end and hating having a toddler? What is this shit

[mhfds]

Ds is 2. Me and his dad are separated but I tend to on average get Saturday 11-6 to myself. For various health reasons ex is unable to have him overnight. I use the time to see friends etc and I am often told I’m really lucky as my married friends rarely get proper ‘time off.’ I do get this and do appreciate its great to have this time.

But… am finding things horrendous with ds in the week. I work full time and some mornings he throws food, screams about getting into car seat…so much mess to clear up. The screaming the moment he’s fed up or board. I HATE it.

I feel like I’m just getting through life and surviving at the moment. No idea if ds is even happy and that makes me stressed as I do try to make sure he is but he’s so temperamental.

I am so miserable. I honestly hate it all. I cannot remember the last time I didn’t feel stressed or rushed. How is this life enjoyable? I can’t see an end but just want my own life back a bit and not to be shouted and screamed at.

Sounds like the normal terrible twos to me, and he’ll know how to press your buttons by now.

The preschool years are horrible. Fun at times but overwhelmingly horrible and relentless. They go quickly though you will get through this. Your ex needs to pick up a mid week after work session with him too.

Sorry this isn't what you want to hear but that is toddler life I'm afraid! It does get a little easier when they get to school age but child rearing always has its challenges. That said I understand butctry to focus on the rewards and fun times. I can't remember the last time I had a day off parenting!

I highly recommend reading No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame. Really great advice for this challenging time.

Being a single parent is really hard, and the few hours you get away from your DC per week aren't really enough and they don't make up for the lack of co-parenting during the week. I think your friends who tell you that you are lucky to have that time don't really understand what it is like as a single parent.

My advice is the read the above book, remind yourself over and over that this is a phase and it will not last. If you can get extra babysitting during the week/weekend so you can have more time for yourself then do it. I will often have a babysitter come for two hours in the late afternoon to play with DC while I cook dinner, tidy up, do admin, fold laundry, so that I can get things done in the house without a toddler running behind me and creating more messes.

You are doing a great job and your current stage in life is temporary. It will get better.

Sounds exhausting op & as though you don’t have anyone to share the load with during the week. When they are at school/ tweens it is so much easier. You’ll get there, go as easy on yourself as you can for now. Take short cuts where you see them & say yes to any offers of support from ppl you trust.

practical tips (skip over if not needed):

Is a friend you could team up with for a meal time?

Sign up to lone parent friendship apps & groups to take turns with a mealtimes & entertainment.

Take him to soft play & eat there together occasionally (they often do deals to include food).

Do you have an accessible pool nearby? Swimming was great for tiring mine out, though I do appreciate it’s a faff. Take a onesie & put him straight in that before going home if you can.

I always felt knowing I'd get a break in the future didn't always help how I felt in the moment and two pairs of hands and eyes at home usually helps even with the most hopeless of partners. So I don't think you should feel bad about finding it hard. It is hard, boring and highly stressful at the same time. I felt no one prepared me for the daily grind of parenthood. It will get better.

My sympathies. They might be finding the changes between mums and dads difficult but I've had a toddler like this so it can just be toddler stage. I found once their speech became much better, everything was easier. When they can't express themselves they just get frustrated.
Leave extra time for everything you possibly can do you don't have that added pressure. They don't care if you are running late - means absolutely nothing to them. Involve them when you can.
Taking example of the car, do they have favourite music? Can you say, oh let's get in the car and we can listen to <favourite song>? For getting dressed we got dressed at the same time and they chose what we put on next (after underwear/nappy)
Might be a bit early to really understand but I used it anyway " first..... Then....." So starting with something fast - first socks, then shoes then build up to longer - first we are going to post office, then we are going to the park.
Take lots of deep breaths and try not to show frustration - it's helps noone and you will feel like crap after.

Your married friends are being unreasonable there is 2 of them all through the week, one person to take the kids whilst the other has down time etc someone to pass the toddler to if he’s being difficult to give you time etc when you’re on your own it’s all on you. Toddlers are hard work, maybe try slowing down your mornings, if he’s in childcare he’s perhaps tired so screams etc. but get yourself ready before he wakes then you can spend all the time in the morning with him, it’s tough trying to juggle work etc I’m a single parent of 4

I am often told I’m really lucky as my married friends rarely get proper ‘time off’

I don’t think that’s a helpful comment. Bringing a kid up on your own is tough. I don’t think 11-6 on a Saturday makes up for going it alone throughout the week with no practical or emotional support from a partner.

Arr you able to relax on the housework...the laundry, dishes and leave the rest.
I strongly believe in bribery fir the tantrum or distraction for getting in the car.
I remember having a houdini clip on the shoulder straps for the car seat when I was beyond the excaping out of the carseat crap.
I would try and be firm, ignore some of it if you can.
Wow working full time then going home to a toddler is enough.
Go easy on yourself
Every age & stage has it's pitfalls.
Communicate with your daycare on how to wrangle the morning? On shitty behaviour days just try get through it, we used to bath tike to calm down and play while I cooked tea, worked well for the bathroom straight off the living room.
Limit & rotate toys to keep them mentality stimulated.
Try ignore the screaming...I have seen a few tantrum out & about I really feel for the parents.
Ring a friend, find something to pull you through.
One day this kid will calm down abit.

terrible two's - followed by traumatic three's

my 2/3 year old had a complete melt down in Asda once because I was buying him a paint set and he didn't want to paint - the woman at the till saw how stressed I was and told him off and the till.......and then I had a meltdown at the till, blubbering mess when I left! He used to get out of his car seat when I was driving and try and climb in the front on the way to nursery - ended up sticking his car seat in the front seat which seemed to sort the issue, just remember to turn off the air bag 😂

It's hard when you have to do the heavy lifting and the absent parent gets a few hours fun time, give yourself a break - it's hard bringing up children, mid week mornings and evenings are the hardest. Can you ask him to have him more, maybe take him out for tea one night a week, or are there any grandparents that could chip in. When I got overwhelmed my mum or stepdad would come over on a morning and let me just go up and get ready for work. They would feed and dress and entertain him and drop him off at nursery and not only did he love it but also did his grandparents.

Your married friends are dicks. It is hard and you are doing amazing. Iv been there so I know. Your child’s dad needs to step it up (if you can make him, easier said than done) and ideally needs to do a couple of week day evenings.

They don’t call it the “terrible two’s” for nothing - it is a struggle, but it passes.🙂

If he goes as stiff as a board and won't go in his car seat. Get the straps ready. Hand over his hips, use that hand to tickle him and he will collapse in the middle. Hold his hips down while you fasten him in with the other hand.

First though I gave mine choices. Does he want to climb in or does he want you to lift him in?

Your married "friends" need to have a word with themselves. Your ex should really be stepping up one evening midweek at least as well. It gets better, terrible 2s are not the easiest.

I was a single parent from when my twins were this age with zero involvement from ex husband - honestly as crap as it is it's just a case of getting through it - it's not enjoyable no and not what you envisaged being a mum to be like but it does get easier x

Incredibly unhelpful from married friends.

It's sounds extremely hard. 2 year olds are tricky (I have one!) at the best of times never mind doing it all on your own.

My only advice and take it with a pinch of salt as I do not have my shit together...

Really strong routine.
Up at same time every day
Dressed
Breakfast
Lunch
Tea
Etc all at same time.

Food wise can you batch cook Sunday a little to take pressure off in the week? Slow cooker is my go to also.

Behaviour really firm boundary's. They will be testing now and even more so as they have to work out two set of rules.

It's really tricky

Oh and the screaming. Loop earplugs. Amazing

You're also going through a recent breakup presumably so that doesn't help. What is wrong with your ex that he can't have him overnight? Are you sure it's not an excuse?

Are you amicable enough that he can pick DS from nursery a couple of times a week and do tea time and get him ready for bed?

It's brutal. It's not you. It's not fun. I'm pretty laid back but it tested me to the absolute limit and I can't say that I enjoyed that period looking back.

Anyone who is partnered who says they are solo parenting because their husband is working away for a few days, or tells a single parent they're lucky because they "get a break" needs to walk a week in a single parent's shoes. they will come out of it feeling as frazzled as you currently do.

It's not only the daily physical grind, it's the emotional toll and constant decision making and not having anyone to share the burden of worry with at 4am when they've got a fever and you're faced with a pile of sicky bedsheets, you've run out of clean towels and you just need someone to help. It's the bit where they get an excellent school report and you've nobody to share it with, and a million other tiny moments that are really not easy. It is no picnic, but it will change. It's changing in tiny increments every day, but it's hard to notice.

What you do have is autonomy. You are the boss. You get to say whether it's egg on toast for tea for the second night in a row because there's nobody expecting you to cook. There is nobody else leaving a mess around the house, nobody you have to check in with, pick up after, ask permission from.

Like everything in life it's pros and cons and if you can lean into the pros it will be an easier time. Yes, this is hard to do when you're utterly exhausted.This is a helpful website. Laura Markham has loads of online resource too if you can listen to a podcast, they're out there.

In times of crisis, get outside, fresh air, or water so an afternoon bubble bath when you're out of ideas or a jump in a puddle, can reset things. You need to team up with other parents, ideally ones in a similar boat to you, who understand. Not people who tell you you're lucky. Humans were not designed to raise kids in isolation, it's no wonder it feels shit, it's just not what we're meant to be doing but if you can find a Meetup group or something on Facebook locally to link you up with other single parents who you can muck in with, that will make things so much easier. You're doing alright you know, you are.

Sounds like a normal 2 year old, but I sympathise because it is very hard! It does get easier I promise!

11-6 once a week to yourself is nothing if you're doing all the parenting yourself the rest of the time. I think your friends are being a bit insensitive.

Could you do something like compressed hours so you get an afternoon off once a week to catch up on housework? Then Saturdays would be more chilled.
Outsource as much as you can too, online shopping, get a cleaner once a week etc

That's what I thought. How rude and thoughtless of your married friends.

Your married 'friends' are being unreasonable. Dealing with the disruption of a break up isn't easy, and then having to do every morning alone.

I feel you. DD is 2.5 and a bit of a hurricane. Especially the car seat thing. My blood absolutely boils when the two second job of getting on the car turns into a 15 minute tantrum which ends with bribery or me just plain forcing her into the car.

I dread when DH is away. He will be tomorrow night. Honestly, I end up resorting to a lot of screen time. Just to allow me to cope. I do try and balance it out with outdoor time and play time but it's the only way for us.

Yeah, as everyone else has said, being a parent to a toddler is just utter shit, and I can only imagine it gets much harder as a single parent.

It got much easier with mine when they hist about 3.5 though. Once you can actually have a conversation with them it goes so much smoother.

I imagine being a toddler must be absolutely infuriating. You can think, you can reason, you can come up with a plan and you want to execute that plan. But every time you try these bloody annoying giants stop you. Why? Don't they know that it's a perfectly valid scientific experiment to see if this pen works on a wall, that you want to explore over the other side of that busy road, that the carpet will smell much better once I've ground my peas into it. And when you try and explain, they don't seem to understand. Tears and foot-stomping are surely universally understood forms on conversation!