Will another baby ruin our life?

[Goeasyonm]

Please help me decide whether to have another baby or not. DH is not helpful because he insists it’s ultimately my choice and he will go with what I want, but I know he would be happy if we stopped at DD6, who is our only child.

DD6 has a physical disability because she inherited a gene that either DH or I have (we don’t know which of us has the gene). The disability ranges in severity but hers is at the mid point of the spectrum. I would love her to have a sibling but I know that there’s a) a 50% chance of a baby having the same disability (potentially more severe as well) and b) a higher chance of a baby having some other type of disability or a complicated pregnancy due to my age (I’m 39).

Reasons why I am worried about another child:

1. I know that the life we have with DD has been hard won. We fought so hard for DD to have as normal a life as possible and have made a lot of sacrifices to make that happen. But it was all done for her whereas I feel that if we had another disabled child the same sacrifices would be done to her. It would affect her quality of life and I just know in my heart I would probably regret negatively affecting her in that way.
2. If we had another disabled child DD might end up being their carer when we’re gone and I don’t want that for her.
3. I had 3 miscarriages before DD, a difficult pregnancy and a horrible birth. Since DD was born I’ve had 3 corrective surgeries as a result of a traumatic birth. The last surgery was a few weeks ago and we’ve only just been given the all clear to try and conceive. Another baby could be a similar experience.

Reasons for having another child:

1. The child might not have a disability - there’s a 50% chance they won’t have DD’s disability and, even if they did, it might not be at the severe end of the spectrum.
2. DD would be an amazing older sister.
3. DD would have other family left when DH and I die. I don’t want her to be left alone in the world or to end up being responsible for us when we’re elderly.

Pregnancy screening isn’t an option for us because we would never terminate due to a disability. It scares me that if we had been able to screen for this disability while I was pregnant with DD we might have chosen to terminate and the love of my life would never have been born.

You are being unreasonable - have another child
You are not being unreasonable - don’t have another child

Is the disability limiting for her? If so I really do think you shouldn’t have another, sorry to say. It seems like there are more potential disadvantages to you all as well as potentially an unborn baby. It would be different if you were willing to screen I think- you could do this through IVF? Even if sibling didn’t have a disability there’s no guarantee they’d get on- and it would be difficult balancing both of their needs, with a larger age gap, as you’re getting older.

That said, you had a tough pregnancy and birth. It comes with huge challenges of its own of course but if you wanted to expand your family have you thought about adoption?

There is nothing in your post that suggests you should have another. DD being a great big sister and having family when you are gone are not reasons to have a baby, and that's before you consider the potential of a disability.

Based on that information I wouldn't have another child. The main reason being that neither you or your DH want another child. They only reasons you give for having another one is to enhance your DD's life (she'll be a great big sister/she won't be alone/she'll have someone to help her look after you). This is not enough reason to have another child.

In your particular situation - I wouldn’t. The likelihood of another pregnancy / baby/ child tipping your life from challenging but manageable to unmanageable seems too high. Wishing you all the best

Nope.
I think you stop at one and make keep doing whatever you can to help your DD.

As someone with six siblings, they're not all they're cracked up to be and are a large part of the reason I'm one and done.

Given the fact that all your cons are really solid reasons not to have another, and your pros are pretty flimsy (you don't actually know your daughter would be a good sibling, she might be a raging jealousy monster, it happens to the most unexpected of kids; she won't be alone when you die because most people form their own families and don't rely on their siblings; a 50% chance of not being disabled isn't a reason at all) I'd honestly say no. I wouldn't, personally.

@FlyingSoap yes, the disability is limiting for her. We have done absolutely everything we can to reduce the impact on her, both in terms of paying for additional support for her and in terms of lifestyle. We would not have the financial resources to do the same for a second child if they had the same or other disability.

Even more reason not to have another, put your DD first.

Youd be crazy to have another child knowing how significantly it could impact your existing child.

I agree with what everyone is saying but I think I struggle to accept it because it feels like I would be making this decision out of fear of the worst outcome happening, rather than for a positive reason such as our family feels complete. But perhaps the fear is entirely justified here.

Om sorry to sound awful, but if you can't afford to offer a second child the same level of care should they have the same or worse disability as dd1 then I don't think you should have another child.

You are already favouring your dd in a 2 child scenario which would be horrifically unfair on another child.

If you take the disability aspect out, your reason for another child is all to do with your DD. She'd make an amazing big sister? There would be someone there for her when you and DH are gone? Not, because you'd love another child?

That said, love isn't enough. The disability, the 50% and the fact that you can't give a second child the same treatment is a big no.

You say the chance of disability is 50%. Not only is that very high but with your age, there is a very high chance of more disabilities. And this is assuming it doesn’t take years to conceive. Honestly I wouldn’t in this situation.

Absolutely this. You need to be having it for you. Assume she hates the sibling, they have no proper relationship when they’re older and you absolutely have to halve the attention you give her. Two is much harder than one.

It is completely unfair of your husband to say ‘it’s your choice’ when such a decision will have a huge impact on several lives. You aren’t buying a new dishwasher.

Given what you have written, another child sounds off the cards. Your existing child demands a lot of time, money and flexibility which you admit you couldn’t give a second child.

I can see what you’re saying but you’ve also said you wouldn’t be able to give another child the same level of care.

Also remember that women still die in pregnancy and childbirth. How would your DD cope with losing you? How would DH and DD cope with another disabled child but without you?

Here is a resounding reason to say no.

Giving your DD a sibling and not being alone when you die are awful reasons to have another. She might not like having a sibling, and what happens if her sibling is severely disabled? And noone is alone when parents die - they will have their own family and friends by then. Millions of stories are on here about how only one sibling ever bothered to look after elderly parents, too.

You are only just recovering from life changing birth injuries, too, can you face that again, or worse, but this time with two disabled kids to care for?

Could you pursue ivf and genetic testing?

I think it is a positive reason. The reason is you’re prioritising your existing child and ensuring she has the best life possible. That’s commendable IMO.

You’d not be making the decision based on ‘fear of the worst’: a 50% chance of the disability makes it likely and you have decided against screening/termination to avoid it. You’ve not got resources to provide the support you’d like to should DC2 have the disability.

Your reasons for DC2 are not good ones.

Your reasons to have another child are all to benefit your DD rather than wanting the child as an individual this is not fair on anyone that you bring into the world.

If the second child has a disability your DD could end up spending her life being a carer if the second child doesn’t have a disability they could end up becoming a carer for your older DD. You say your Dd would be an amazing older sister, would she feel this way if in 50 years she’s still responsible for a younger sibling?

50% risk is incredibly high, honestly I couldn’t in good conscience bring a child into this world knowing that they would be having a difficult time from the get go or may need lifelong help. If it were me in your shoes I would be focusing all my resources on my existing child and trying to make sure I’ve safeguarded her future as well.

I have a disabled son, life became extremely challenging immediately and was for a number of years very hard. I ruled out having an another child as 100% of my focus was on Ds and I knew we didn't have enough to give to a second child and that ds wouldn't cope.

When he got to 5 he got a lot easier, I was too old to have a second child by then but I did think it would have been nice for him.

However fast forward five years and things have deteriorated and I'm glad it's just him tbh. As he needs me.

I personally wouldn't.