Will another baby ruin our life?

[Goeasyonm]

Please help me decide whether to have another baby or not. DH is not helpful because he insists it’s ultimately my choice and he will go with what I want, but I know he would be happy if we stopped at DD6, who is our only child.

DD6 has a physical disability because she inherited a gene that either DH or I have (we don’t know which of us has the gene). The disability ranges in severity but hers is at the mid point of the spectrum. I would love her to have a sibling but I know that there’s a) a 50% chance of a baby having the same disability (potentially more severe as well) and b) a higher chance of a baby having some other type of disability or a complicated pregnancy due to my age (I’m 39).

Reasons why I am worried about another child:

1. I know that the life we have with DD has been hard won. We fought so hard for DD to have as normal a life as possible and have made a lot of sacrifices to make that happen. But it was all done for her whereas I feel that if we had another disabled child the same sacrifices would be done to her. It would affect her quality of life and I just know in my heart I would probably regret negatively affecting her in that way.
2. If we had another disabled child DD might end up being their carer when we’re gone and I don’t want that for her.
3. I had 3 miscarriages before DD, a difficult pregnancy and a horrible birth. Since DD was born I’ve had 3 corrective surgeries as a result of a traumatic birth. The last surgery was a few weeks ago and we’ve only just been given the all clear to try and conceive. Another baby could be a similar experience.

Reasons for having another child:

1. The child might not have a disability - there’s a 50% chance they won’t have DD’s disability and, even if they did, it might not be at the severe end of the spectrum.
2. DD would be an amazing older sister.
3. DD would have other family left when DH and I die. I don’t want her to be left alone in the world or to end up being responsible for us when we’re elderly.

Pregnancy screening isn’t an option for us because we would never terminate due to a disability. It scares me that if we had been able to screen for this disability while I was pregnant with DD we might have chosen to terminate and the love of my life would never have been born.

You are being unreasonable - have another child
You are not being unreasonable - don’t have another child

OK. I take that on board. English is my second language.

I can hear your pain. You're right, it ISN'T fair. If I was in your situation, I think I would decide against having another child. But I wouldn't judge you if you decided to go ahead - it's not my place to. Wish you all the best, whatever you decide.

Oh wow then your English is great. I live in Japan and previously taught English as a second language - these nuances are difficult to grasp.

Thank you, it really helps to hear someone agree that this situation isn’t fair. It’s not fair and it’s not an easy decision, even though it might appear to be. I think I had, in my head, already decided against a second child, my heart just needs to catch up to the reality of our situation and accept the unfairness of it all.

Can you explain further about why you wouldn't go for embryo testing? Embryo testing is very common in ivf these days. We did it, but only for fertility reasons.

Personally if it were me (and I know it's not and we're all different) and I really wanted another baby, I'd only try via embryo testing. I wouldn't want to risk it.

I think maybe some counselling is needed. It's a huge decision.

It’s completely understandable op and I know it’s very easy for strangers to tell you that. I think you didn’t come across as actually wanting a second baby btw, more that you thought you should for your firstborn. If you were absolutely desperate for a second despite the risks, then you may have had some different answers.

Do you have the option of PGD?

For what its worth, if the most significant reason to have another child is so your current child has a sibling then I'd focus on helping them build their connections with others in the local community instead. A lot of the time the family you build through friendships are much more supportive than the one given to you through genetics and that is definitely something you can help them with.