Comment from nursery staff

[ThatGutsyHedgehog]

I overheard a comment through the door of the nursery I was collecting my son from (he’s currently doing settling sessions) before I return to work after Christmas.

It was lunch time and I heard a member of staff say sternly “Child’s name that’s not your mummy stop crying sit down and eat your dinner”.
The child was in the same room as my son so must’ve been younger than 2 and a half.

I just felt this was a bit harsh to a small child who was missing their mum and now I’m worried about my son going to the nursery.

DH feels I’m over thinking it and maybe they were stressed and it was a one off comment.

AIBU?

Yes you are it’s not a big deal
No your not I would be concerned

Context is everything. One person's normal voice is another person's stern. Also 2.5 yo toddlers can be fucking trying. I've seen and heard many a parent lose their temper with their 2.5yo far worse despite loving them dearly. I've heard many a parent tell their child very sternly they are going to get in the car and leave them, should I have called police and/or social every time?

Maybe someone is on minimum wage, surrounded by a sea of toddlers and maybe one is having a trying day of tantrums. Crying wanting own way, trying to stand on chair or lie on floor to eat, generally being a toddler and they got a little snippy for a moment. Maybe a childminder has their charges out and about and one makes a dash for the road and they get yelled at very sternly and the kid cries.

Kids cry. In the absence of context and as a one off its not a deal breaker. If you had some other concerns as well fair enough. But if good rep, no other concerns, I don't think telling a child they have to sit down and eat their lunch is harsh. Just like when you put your child to bed for 7 millionth time crying because they want another book and your very generous patience has run out and you were kind the other 6,999,999 times!

I would report to management. I heard a new apprentice at my child's nursery speak to a child in an inappropriate way and I reported it immediately and it was taken very seriously. It stood out a mile to me as I had never heard any of the other staff ever speak in that way. No nursery is perfect but one thing my child's nursery were excellent at was always listening to concerns, never dismissing them, and following up with parents on the actions they'd taken. My decision as to whether to send my child there would depend on management's attitude to your concern. If they don't take it seriously and act on it, I wouldn't send my child there.

I did not send my child to an outstanding rated nursery that came highly recommended because when I got there the staff member immediately disappeared and whilst I waited to be shown round I saw a young child wandering around alone covered in poo crying…sometimes you have to go with your instincts. That’s said,people can interpret tone and comments differently, I was super impressed with my other nursery where the toddlers were always sitting beautifully round the dinner table when I srrived…old fashioned parenting could be seen as really strict to some ?

I'm minded to agree with this tbh. I often can't spend a day just with my own two children (6 and 3) and keep my own tone 100 per cent angelic after all!

I'm in two minds with this one.

You don't know the child, and the nursery worker may have learned they respond better to this than having a cuddle and being reassured their mummy will be there soon.

On the other hand, I dreaded sending my daughter to nursery and my instinct told me to pull her out her first one. I thought it was just me being anxious but we took her out after 6 months and found another that was a million times better for her, it wasn't as polished and nicely laid out as the first but the staff are incredible and she's not cried once at drop off or pick up even at the settling sessions. Look for one with experienced staff/management and low staff turnover, if that describes the one you've went for then give it another few weeks, if you still feel uneasy take your child out.

The words take on a different meaning according to whether a stern or kindly tone of voice was used.

There's nothing inherently 'unkind' about telling a child to sit down and eat his dinner. It's probably what he needed.

Distraction was a massive part of managing my toddler. Distracting a child from his disappointment about that woman not being his mummy - distracting him with a nice dinner, too - seems entirely reasonable to me.

Sorry but you don’t know the full story, this could’ve been a child who was running riot and causing trouble simply to cry saying I want my mum because he was throwing a tantrum. I wouldn’t assume because you heard this that it means the nursery worker is unprofessional or abusive. Children need disciplined even at nursery, it’s not a free for all. I remember getting told off massively in reception class the odd time and it was totally on me for being naughty. And before you say nursery kids shouldn’t be disciplined at that age- what if a child was being nasty/ hurting your child?

@YogaForDummies well like wise, I dare you to spend a day where I work. Yes nobody is perfect. That would be an unhelpful self sabotaging goal. However… It doesn’t make it ok to be unprofessional, it doesn’t justify being unkind or incompetent. I see it all day every day- burnt out people being arseholes to vulnerable people. It’s a complete abuse of power and I don’t care how hard it is, how frustrating, how soul destroying, how undervalued, how underpaid, how under resourced blah blah blah… pick a different career, take it up with your manager, fight the system that creates this toxic work environment- and if you can’t (99% of people can’t) then don’t become part of the problem.

On a daily basis I’m verbally abused, physically assaulted, spat on, insulted, degraded, sexually harassed, have impossible demands made of me and my colleagues. It’s an institutional problem… But ultimately I choose to stay (for now) and when I can’t respond professionally it will be time for me to leave.

Yes we’re all human, but in certain kinds of work (childcare included) you have a very serious and non negotiable duty to safeguard vulnerable individuals who cannot advocate for themselves, not just from others but from yourself too.

When you’re not able to conduct yourself appropriately, you have to step back and take a moment to sort yourself out. You don’t just take it out on someone else.

Go protest, go campaign, go and do anything except take it out on the very people these care systems are designed to care for. It’s really telling that it’s always the most defenceless and vulnerable individuals who get the shitty behaviour directed towards them.

Do I think anyone is perfect? Of course not. But this is everywhere- it’s a systemic problem in so many care homes, hospitals, particularly psychiatric hospitals, childcare settings etc. And just because it’s not your fault, doesn’t mean it’s the kids’ faults.

Doesn’t justify being so complacent. It’s really not something to be flippant about.

Good people can do bad things when the right buttons are pushed, in the wrong place at the wrong time. That’s not something to be nonchalant about. It’s something to acknowledge and to safeguard against.

You calling concerned people ‘naive loves’ says it all really.

Let me elaborate, not only is it not possible to have a 100% angelic tone at all times in an early years setting, it also isn't effective. Every one one of those tiny children are different and respond to different strategies. As PP have said perhaps this child needs to start learning boundaries, especially since it's been decided he or she is old enough to be out of the home and around others. I have personally worked in early years and had to take on a vast variety of approaches with different children, it's part of the job of understanding each one's needs and what works best.

@ThatGutsyHedgehog Trust your instincts. Your dh wasn’t there so he is only going by what you told him. He might have felt differently if he had been there and heard it himself. Us Mumsnetters were not there either.

But if you are feeling uneasy leaving your dc there, then listen to it.

And no nursery is going to be perfect, that is true. But you need to find one that fits your child and you can feel comfortable knowing that your child is well looked after and cared for. And look for a nursery that develops a good rapport with the families too. At the end of the day you are trusting them with one of the most important persons in your life who is young and vulnerable. It’s only natural for you and your dh to protect your dc. So, trust your instincts.

Goodluck.

I don’t see what’s wrong with this?
Child needs to sit down and eat their food. They may have been up several times. Sometimes being a little more forceful with words is needed to settle the child.

Having worked in private nurseries this isn't a rare occurrence that some staff do speak to the children like that, there's usually a couple at least that shouldn't be in the job. I wouldn't send my dc to a nursery knowing what I know now.

This. I can't understand the comments on the thread, tbh. The poll shows that more people think YABU.

"Child’s name that’s not your mummy stop crying sit down and eat your dinner”*
is hardly offensive.
Child runs to the door, thinking it might be there Mum, and adult explains it isn't.
Child then encouraged to stop crying (I hope most adults would encourage that); to sit down (I hope all children would be encouraged to sit down to eat at mealtime, I'd be more concerned if they weren't; and to eat up their dinner.

All of these are things I would expect anyone looking after my child to say, in those circumstances.
Yes, obviously we can't hear the tone in a written post, but inevitably people who want you to agree with them tend to put in words that will encourage that. "Sternly" could be "firmly". A bit like the threads where an unknow person has to intervene when a parent is out, the parents always reports them "screaming" or "shouting in the face of" the child.

I think you're being extremely unreasonable 🙄🙄

Your probably going to find this at any nursery you look at, are you sure you're not just looking for excuses not to send your child to nursery? You were behind a door and have zero context of the situation, children need routine and structure whatever age they are and wherever they are, if it was dinner time the child should of been sat down eating dinner, you don't know how many times before they were asked to sit down, the crying could of only just started as you were at the door and they thought you were their mum so the practicioner was trying to distract from the door. Some children also need a more firm tone of voice to actually listen to instructions and take on board what someone's saying, you don't know anything about this child whereas this practitioner will of taken time to best understand what approach to take with the child

Yabu. I have seen some kids at my son's nursery running to the door every 5 minutes. The staff spend ages comforting the children when they arrive and around nap time, there is a moment where it needs to stop. Particularly if it's disrupting meal time.

That comment in itself wouldn't concern me.

Don’t understand the excuse of “nursery workers get paid shit wages so it’s understandable if they treat the kids like shit” I mean wtf, go talk to your manager like shit if you don’t like the job, probably not so brave then. Much easier to take it out on the little ones, a lot of adults are just big bullies to children.

I've worked in/with childcare settings and yes some staff speak to children like that. It comes from frustration, tiredness, lack of motivation, trying to keep the pack in order.

I don't agree with it and would be concerned too.

I don't think anyone said that. Said they get paid badly and are stressed so you can't expect perfection (or your personal perception of perfection!).

It's not really a manager problem. Often we get kids who are basically just badly parented, who have zero respect for boundaries and other people (adults and children). Every child needs to learn this, but you can tell the ones who have no boundaries at home, who are consistently rude or repeatedly not listening and just do what they want (including hurting other children). Yes, some kids have special needs but by far the majority do learn how to behave, a job too often left to childcare workers! This carries on and on into school. The epidemic of teachers leaving is as much to do with the children and parents' attitudes, as it is with pay/ government.

i dont think you can judge
how would you like them to behave

A much nicer and more appropriate reaction would have been “that’s x’s mummy, your mummy will come for you later. Have some lunch and afterwards we’ll do “x”

rather than just scolding a small child for missing their mum. It would have upset me too OP.