Comment from nursery staff

[ThatGutsyHedgehog]

I overheard a comment through the door of the nursery I was collecting my son from (he’s currently doing settling sessions) before I return to work after Christmas.

It was lunch time and I heard a member of staff say sternly “Child’s name that’s not your mummy stop crying sit down and eat your dinner”.
The child was in the same room as my son so must’ve been younger than 2 and a half.

I just felt this was a bit harsh to a small child who was missing their mum and now I’m worried about my son going to the nursery.

DH feels I’m over thinking it and maybe they were stressed and it was a one off comment.

AIBU?

Yes you are it’s not a big deal
No your not I would be concerned

Seemed to work with my child sometimes.

I wouldn't like it and I'm quite a stern person.

So you’d tell a child to stop crying? Would you tell an upset adult to stop crying or just a baby who misses its mum?

I also get that nursery workers are often underpaid and miserable. So you try to avoid those ones.

I think if they'd said "that's not your mummy now sit down and eat your dinner" that would be mostly OK. It's the fact that the child was crying but simply told to stop that concerns me. There was no comfort or nurturing.

I was a childminder for 10 years. If a child was a bit upset that the mummy at the door wasn't theirs, I'd always reassure them that their mummy would be coming in a little while. I wouldn't just tell them to get on and eat their dinner.

Depends very much how it was said.
If it was a 'sit down or else' type comment then absolutely not acceptable.
If a child thought it was their mum, then them saying 'sorry Bobby, it's not your mum, she will be here later, let's sit down and have some lunch, it's really yummy', then thats very different.

Totally fine, lot of mollycoddling in this thread. No wonder there are so many threads about parents being too soft and even more threads about how a child is well behaved at nursery/school but a pain at home.

Agree that tone is very important. I don't really think you should tell a child to stop crying but if it was said along the lines of, 'That's not your mummy sweetie, don't cry, come and eat your dinner,' then I couldn't get too worked up about it. If it was more harsh then I wouldn't like it.

So you think they should let a child run to the door when they should be eating? And it sounds like this child might cry just because they know mum is about to pick up.
My DD used to do this. Be fine all day and cry just before pick up and I do believe it because if I was early she'd be playing happily.
Stop crying and eat your dinner isn't unacceptable behaviour. Unless the staff member was screaming and swearing then no problem.
I mean it's obviously up to you but some kids respond better to someone being a bit firm.

I did this too. First thing they told me on two consecutive days they'd been told to stop crying in a really cross voice, they never went back.
Edited to add I found a much nicer one with no issues. Staff were clearly overworked and exhausted in the first one and the atmosphere was horrendous.

Nursery worker here, and unfortunately you do have staff like this in some nurseries. This is absolutely not how children should be spoken to at all. I would speak to the manager and look elsewhere if you’re not comfortable. Have you thought about a childminder if that’s a possibility in your area?

I would always put my own child’s welfare first. That’s what is important to me.

I’d have to hear the tone but unless it was said in an incredibly mean way, it wouldn’t bother me.

Depends on the tone, but obviously it's enough to concern you.

Sadly a friend of mine works at a nursery, hes absolutly amazing with kids, but I hear things that make me glad my son is older and no longer at nursery. Nothing horrific, but things along those lines of staff getting overwhelmed with the kids, mistakes being made etc.

@cansu I’ve never told my child
not to cry. Why would I do that? Why do I need them to stop crying? I say, “it’s ok to cry. It’s ok to have big feelings”. I help him label what he’s feeling and reiterate the behaviour I expect from him. Letting him cry doesn’t mean he can have whatever he wants. We have very clear and consistent boundaries. He is a well behaved 3 year old and nursery have given positive feedback about his behaviour… but if he’s upset/ disappointed/ frustrated etc, I don’t need him to stop crying.

I think people say ’stop crying’ because they get so triggered by the crying and want it to stop… not because it’s reasonable or beneficial to the child to suppress their feelings.

@sunseaandsoundingoff the only mollycoddling on this thread is self indulgent parents mollycoddling themselves because they’re not able to deal with a small child expressing their feelings! Let them cry and let the adults be… the adults… the adults are there to look after the emotional well-being of the children, to build resilience, to role model and to teach. If they can’t handle a child crying then they need to get another job or go to therapy.

Thanks for all the replies! I was worried about him going to nursery so this really hasn’t helped!

Its a well thought of long standing nursery so it did surprise me!
I have thought about a childminder but I’d be worried what they would be like behind closed doors too! It’s all so hard

In terms of tone it was stern to me as an adult it sounded harsh - I know I don’t know the context but would hate DS to be upset and spoken to like that.

This is very common in nurseries, the facade is hard to maintain all day

Not surprised. Many child care workers take to their children like shit.

Not justifying it. But most nursery staff get paid shit, treated like shit and work long hours. It's a bloody hard job.

Yeah I agree, I do bank work in a nursery, and people work so hard, and such long hours with very little support from the owners, and parents are charged over £100 per day

Gosh I’ve heard and seen so much worse than this at the nursery my son went to!! I agree it’s not kind but - honestly - I’ve never seen a nursery I thought was brilliant. My son has been going to one part time since about 10 months and has changed recently for a much smaller one which I am happier with overall so far. I’ve visited loads because I didn’t want to ‘settle’ but really wanted him to be around lots of other children etc but honestly didn’t see one that I really thought was Amazing. I think they’ve all got staff that are normal people and have crappy days. I think aswell parents are on high stress alert because it’s so so stressful as a parent you feel you’ve not got much insight into what’s happening. I think the staff however are desensitised to that and forget that parents are literally watching their every move for the three minutes a day they are present at pick up etc. None of my friends have found a great nursery either - they’re all a compromise of some sort. I think all external childcare is!

Like I said it depends on the reason for him crying with some children they do cry near home time just because it's habit.
In that case it's okay to tell a child to stop crying. They also might know that saying stop crying it's not mummy is enough to calm them (because they know it's not home time yet).
Nursery staff can't be allowed rainbows and unicorns every day.

I wouldn't tell the primary school kids that I work with to stop crying. So no OP I wouldn't be happy with this at all.

So many comments from people obviously very naive about working in early years 😂 I dare you to spend a day in a room with dozens of tiny children and keep your tone 100% angelic, it isn't possible loves.

I don't know OP. I'm reading it in different tones, and depending how it was said it can be acceptable. My DD is very strong willed and needs form instructions sometimes, especially when she's testing boundaries. I can imagine when you have multiple kids to manage, you can't afford to be wishy washy with your communication.

I think if it sounded stern and aggressive rather than just gently instructional then it doesn't look good. But the fact you were behind a door, there's a chance the child may have been doing something potentially dangerous, or there were other issues going on you couldn't guage.
But if it's given you a bad feeling then definitely don't send him there. There's no need for nursery staff to speak sternly or rudely to children. They sometimes need to be firm, but if that seems beyond that staff member then go elsewhere.