Help me tell someone to shut up nicely

[ZestyDog]

I've lived here in my home town for my entire life. Like everywhere it has it's problems, but overall it's not a bad place.

A couple of years ago I made a new friend at a hobby group, who I will call Sue. We have both since left the group but joined another, and see each other a couple times a week.
Sue moved here to live with her son and DIL. She's from a city, not a small town. She hates it.
She can't move back as her family want to stay, and she couldn't afford it now anyway, plus she has a few health/mobility issues, which is why she moved in with her family. She's unsafe to live alone.
Every time I see her, Sue complains that she doesn't like the town, and has a huge list of grievances. Not enough shops or cafes, too windy, the roads.... Too many to list. We're not bohemian enough for her.
I'm a fairly quiet person and don't want to fall out with her, but I'm close to losing my rag. I know she doesn't like it, I get that, but I do. It's my home.

I need a way to tell her to stop. I don't want to upset her or be brusque. And I can't not see her without giving up my hobby. (Small town remember...no other options for it).
I need a few stock phrases to repeat every time she starts that aren't "Shut up Sue, you're doing my head in"

"So you keep saying Sue, what are the grandchildren up to?"

"Is that the time?"

Yes Sue.......that must be really difficult that you miss x y and z after having moved here and that you can't move back to city e

But many of us live in this small town x who love it here and call it home. They may find what you're saying a bit difficult to hear or a bit critical or upsetting.

Fancy a coffee/whatever later in the week? Smile

"What are your options to move?" just keep asking that every time. She evidently has no options to move so hopefully she'll get bored in the end as there's no solution.

Exactly this except for the coffee bit.

Ooh this is a tricky one! She sounds exhausting!
I think I might say something of what you’ve written in your post, like, “actually I have a soft spot for this place; hearing you say all these negative things about it makes me feel a bit sad!” Or…

really dive into it… “you really miss your life from before don’t you? Tell me about…” and then divert onto stuff she used to enjoy (sounds like she’s a bit miserable and missing her old ‘self’ which she has associated with the city!). Or…

“oh for goodness sake, Sue! Will you please be quiet!!” (Maybe not that one)

If you can't move Sue maybe you should
Try and find somethings to like here because you're grinding yourself (and everyone down) being negative about something you can can't change.

Surely you don’t need to actually be her friend if she’s only somebody you see at a hobby group, and you don’t find her particularly enjoyable company beyond that? I don’t think there’s anything wrong with saying “I’m not really interested in this conversation Sue, I quite like Loughborough even if you don’t, so unless you want to change the subject I’m off home.”

Could you find a nice way of saying we all have to accept change at some point, and the best way of getting by is to try and make the most of it. Encourage her to think about some of the nice things about where she is now, (family for company, cleaner air, a different vibe, are the views better, quieter pace of life, friendliness, different things to do, etc…..) She might be feeling very vulnerable if she’s still coming to terms with being more dependent on her family, having less independence.
Wearing for you though, and if patience doesn’t work, you might have to be a bit more blunt, such as telling her to either accept her needs more, or make her mind up about changing what’s making her so miserable, as her constant off loading onto you is spoiling your friendship.

Oh dear, what a shame and then change the subject

I’m happy here.
Or
I prefer to look for the positives in everything.
and smile!

"I understand it's different from what you're used to, but I actually like it here."
This acknowledges her feelings while also making it clear that you feel differently.

"It's not perfect, but every place has its charm. I’ve found a lot to appreciate here."
This puts a positive spin on the conversation without directly dismissing her complaints.

"I know it can be tough adjusting, but maybe focusing on the good things can help?"
A subtle suggestion that she might try to look for positives.

"Well, you're never going to be happy with a negative attitude like that!"

‘You seem so unhappy Sue. I can’t help worrying about you. You say the same things every time, so things must be playing on your mind so much. Do you think you should go to the doctor?’

this makes the point that she’s constantly banging on but dressing it up as concern, it also makes the point that you think this is abnormal, as opposed to a perfectly reasonable outlook on a small town! Might make her think ‘oh dear I don’t want to come across as a nightmare’ and stop!

“Yes you mentioned that last time but I love it.”

What's wrong with "Shut up Sue, you're doing my head in"?

Admittedly, I'm coming from a male perspective, but that's exactly how we'd deal with it.

"Steve, every time I see you you're whining about this. It's not exactly making you a joy to be around"

"Brian, I get it, you think it's shit here, I don't. Move on."

Generally, if we're not enjoying someone's company, we either give them a chance to fix the issue or we stop spending time with someone we don't like.

It seems far simpler than tiptoeing round.

Have you looked into living elsewhere

I have to go

Is that the time

You know XYZ Town Boho is really great for incense sticks/floppy clothing/ mindfulness or whatever

I'm sorry you're not happy here Sue.
I however love it. It's my home and I'm so happy here.
Anyway, what are you up to this weekend?

If she knows you've lived there your whole life (and you haven't given her reason to believe you dislike it there but have been unable to move away), it's really very rude of her to keep abusing the place to you. (Or perhaps she's not bright enough to have made that connection.) I'm not certain she's the type who'd be easily hurt if you just tell her the truth, so I wouldn't worry overly much about that. Next time you're alone (or without an audience, at least) and she starts in on her complaining, I'd say some variation of 'Yes, I know ___ annoys you / you don't like it here, but this is my home, and I love it. Can we just talk about something else?' If you don't want to be that blunt, I'd start ignoring her negative comments and just change the topic entirely whenever she brings it up. Unless she's entirely clueless, she should pick up on that after a while.

Take her by the hand gently, or place you hand on her forearm and say with a smile,
"Sue - that's enough now."

Bascially I'm with Vimes but with a velvet glove

This is the one.

And if she repeats it, just repeat this. She'll get the message - she won't want to seem like a bitter, unhappy person

"I like you Sue but please, please , change the record!"

In this situation I look them in the eye and say “so what are you going to do about it?”
and then wait.

I'd love to know where it is!

Your answer is in your own op. "You don't like it here. I get that. But it's my home. Please stop insulting it"

Some helpful suggestions there, thanks all.

Sue only has her son and DIL here. The DIL isn't particularly nice to her. They won't move as they have good jobs here, and DIL has family not to far away.
Sue has made a good effort to make friends here, I'll give her that, but she is very, very negative about everything.

Her small house and sons 1 bed flat in the city bought them a lovely big house here, and paid for the adaptions for her, and there's no-way they could sell that and get anywhere big enough for all of them, even if the son agreed to move back to the city.

I have another new friend who moved here quite recently, from a different city who absolutely loves it. Quite a lot of people seem to move here to retire.
There's good, accessible transport to a larger, tourist town, and two other small towns only a couple miles away which have nice shops/cafes, but they are more expensive housing-wise.