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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Racist MIL

52 replies

1exhaustedmama · 17/09/2024 07:58

Hi Everyone,

I just need to get this out of my chest as I can’t talk to my husband about it because he will say that I’m over reacting.
when my husband and I were going to get married, my husband’s parents suggested we move in with them so that we can save up for a home and won’t need to pay rent apart from help out with bills. Initially, I thought my mother in law was nice but after about a month or so she started getting saying things like; you can’t put your sanitary towels in the bathroom bin and to put them in those sealed plastic bag, inside your bedroom draw. Which I thought was insane and unhygienic- which btw I didn’t do. She then started saying why don’t you use tampons instead, is it a religious or a cultural thing? I said it was a preference.
then about few weeks later she was getting upset and saying to me, why can’t my son be with a white woman? Why does it have to be an ethnic woman. which I found upsetting but ignored.
she was constantly belittling me and saying how she is a doctor ( a retired Dr).
Anyhow, eventually I fell pregnant and my husband and I decided not to say anything until it’s past 12weeks. But during this time we would say to her and our FIL how it would be great if we had an additional member of the family. She hated that and constantly said she has no interest in becoming a grandma. Once my husband and I purchased a property and were getting ready to move, I discovered that my MiL goes to our room and searches our bin.
when my son was born she started saying that there was nothing special about him etc.
Anyhow, few years later and now the racism is really bothering me. She looks down on my mum and when I’m out with her she starts giving angry hateful look to ethnic people. I really can’t stand and I have no idea what to do.

OP posts:
Wolfpa · 17/09/2024 08:04

Sounds as if it is time to move out and go minimal contact with her.

MissAshworth · 17/09/2024 08:05

How do you know your husband will over react if you talk with him? Is he not someone you can talk to things about? Is he racist himself, or someone who minimises racism? Does he have a mother complex?

CaptainMyCaptain · 17/09/2024 08:06

I wouldn't ever want to see her again or let her have contact with my child.

MissyB1 · 17/09/2024 08:32

All I can say is that I hace a racist Fil and have nothing to do with him. Cut this woman out of your life.

OrwellianTimes · 17/09/2024 08:34

Have nothing to do with her, she’s a racist woman.

redalex261 · 17/09/2024 08:37

You are no longer living with her. Keep her very much at arm’s length or cut her out entirely. If she asks why tell her (or get DH to do it “it’s because your racism makes wife feel uncomfortable”) Sounds horrid.

Wendysfriend · 17/09/2024 08:45

If they are making you feel uncomfortable and saying racist things to you then it would be better for your own sanity to not see her or see her as little as you can. Or pull her up on her comments, say to her "do you realise that comment you made is racist". Does she know she's being racist ?

With regards to the used sanitary products, did you not empty the bin ? If you're sharing a bathroom bin and putting used sanitary products in it then you need to empty it or have a separate bin in your room. I understand you're moved out now so can't do this now.

Nordione1 · 17/09/2024 08:46

What's the weird obsession with your bin? She sounds mental.

SidekickSylvia · 17/09/2024 09:03

My mum is a retired doctor, she's in her 70's now and it was still fairly unusual 50 years ago for women to study medicine. I had assumed that this explained my mum's progressive thinking in all things, e.g. she was very pro gay rights and against any form of prejudice long before it was fashionable in my home country. Your MIL has possibly experienced prejudice herself from her tutors, colleagues etc. - is there a way to remind her of this, and how it felt? If it's important to you to maintain a relationship.

NewGreenDuck · 17/09/2024 09:06

The racism, no don't put up with it. Stay away as much as possible and tell your DH that he needs to deal with it, with his mother. He needs to stand up for you, otherwise he is colluding.
Re the bathroom bin if that was a shared bin I would not be happy having to clean another woman's sanitary products. If it was your bathroom, used only by you that's different. I think that is an unintended consequence of living in someone else's house. It was never going to end well.

WafflesOrIceCream · 17/09/2024 09:07

I have no idea why in this day and age people are still racist?!

What a vile woman!Did she only see to "white" patients when she was a Dr?!
Keep her well away from yourself and your child.Your DH can go visit her when he likes on his own.

Purplecatshopaholic · 17/09/2024 09:09

Obvs YANBU. I would avoid her and keep my kid away too if I could. If your DH wants to see her that’s up to him.

1exhaustedmama · 17/09/2024 09:17

Wendysfriend · 17/09/2024 08:45

If they are making you feel uncomfortable and saying racist things to you then it would be better for your own sanity to not see her or see her as little as you can. Or pull her up on her comments, say to her "do you realise that comment you made is racist". Does she know she's being racist ?

With regards to the used sanitary products, did you not empty the bin ? If you're sharing a bathroom bin and putting used sanitary products in it then you need to empty it or have a separate bin in your room. I understand you're moved out now so can't do this now.

She says she is not a racist but she continuously makes certain remarks about ethnic people. When we are out she looks at people of colour with disgust and anger.
I did take out the toilet bin bags out and into the main bins. She suggested that I put my used sanitary towels in my underwear draw- then took me to her room and showed me her used sanitary towels from 20years ago that were in her draws.

OP posts:
CaptainMyCaptain · 17/09/2024 09:20

She still had used sanitary towels in her drawer from 20 years ago? That is completely bonkers. No normal person would do that.

1exhaustedmama · 17/09/2024 09:20

SidekickSylvia · 17/09/2024 09:03

My mum is a retired doctor, she's in her 70's now and it was still fairly unusual 50 years ago for women to study medicine. I had assumed that this explained my mum's progressive thinking in all things, e.g. she was very pro gay rights and against any form of prejudice long before it was fashionable in my home country. Your MIL has possibly experienced prejudice herself from her tutors, colleagues etc. - is there a way to remind her of this, and how it felt? If it's important to you to maintain a relationship.

Oh yes I have the upmost respect for women who perused a carer in that era. But it's actually the fact that she says that everyone is jealous of her because she is a doctor.
She often says that nurses don't have any idea- and they are just people who were rejected from medicine.

OP posts:
MissAshworth · 17/09/2024 09:24

CaptainMyCaptain · 17/09/2024 09:20

She still had used sanitary towels in her drawer from 20 years ago? That is completely bonkers. No normal person would do that.

This jumped the shark for me…my spidey sense is tingling.

1exhaustedmama · 17/09/2024 09:34

when my son was 2months old she would put her hands in his mouth because she believed he was teething and that he needed a relief. I told my husband to tell her to stop because it would make my baby sick.
And when my son was 1years old she was telling me to put him on a diet because he had chubby cheeks.
she made it very clear that she despises any one who is slightly overweight.
luckily we no longer live with her but I have to see her often because I am now her carer.
I had to quit my job because private care is ridiculously expensive. I mean she is not bed ridden or anything but I just go with her to her drs appointments and take her out shopping.
I have dealt with racists before who I care for but I was never bothered, and quite honestly I believe that people should be treated with dignity regardless of their views.
However, this is a tough one because she is my mother in law.

OP posts:
Blackberriesandcobwebs · 17/09/2024 09:41

Her keeping used sanitary towels is gross and unhinged. Why on earth are you her carer? If she was a doctor surely she earned a good wage and has a pension and can afford carers coming in? Maybe she just likes having you running around after her. In which case just drop therope.

StopGo · 17/09/2024 09:48

Your DH has just stood by passively whilst this racial abuse went on right under his nose?

NewGreenDuck · 17/09/2024 09:50

Clearly your MIL has some cognitive issues. What you are now saying is beyond the realms of normal behaviour. I would not be acting as carer for her. So what if it's expensive? I would hazard a guess that she can afford it, so just announce that you can't continue. Honestly, do you want to be wiping her bum in years to come?

OrchardDoor · 17/09/2024 09:55

MissAshworth · 17/09/2024 09:24

This jumped the shark for me…my spidey sense is tingling.

Same. Never suspected a thing until the 20 year old sanitary towels in a drawer

InSearchOfMartin · 17/09/2024 09:58

@1exhaustedmama I can't get over the fact she kept old tampons and pads - used - in a bedroom drawer for years? Seriously? What was in the other drawers I want to know - or maybe I don't!!! Shocking.

Wendysfriend · 17/09/2024 10:05

1exhaustedmama · 17/09/2024 09:17

She says she is not a racist but she continuously makes certain remarks about ethnic people. When we are out she looks at people of colour with disgust and anger.
I did take out the toilet bin bags out and into the main bins. She suggested that I put my used sanitary towels in my underwear draw- then took me to her room and showed me her used sanitary towels from 20years ago that were in her draws.

No, sorry I don't believe this.

I posted in good faith and you come up with this gem.

I'm not wasting my time on this anymore, there are people suffering racial abuse your whole thread belittles each and every one of them.

SwiftiesVSLestat · 17/09/2024 10:07

She doesn’t have thousands of used sanitary towels in her drawers. That’s not true is it?

Very strange claim to make

Mombie · 17/09/2024 10:09

The sanitary thing is weird and you should tell her that you are not comfortable with that conversation.

Why are you her carer? I’m not sure what your background is but as a member of the south Asian community it is often a given that the daughter in law will care for their MiL in old age. It’s fine if you want to but if you don’t want to or where the elder is abusive then don’t do it because you’re mental health, marriage and everything else will go to pot. It is a thankless task. Her family can pay for care.

I have a MiL who doesn’t understand or doesn’t care for boundaries and I took on the responsibility for her and cared for her more than my own parents. Then my dad died, she continued to harass me based on the assumption that I would keep taking it. I stopped and keep my distance. Civil, friendly but distant because she isn’t my mum. She changed her pisstaky ways the minute she realised I wasn’t interested and I am annoyed that I didn’t do it ages ago.

It baffles me now to think that women actively take on nonsense like this because of societal expectations. If your DH wants to continue this bonkers dance with her let him but you should say no. That’s before we even start on the racism…