Car seat drama!

[LBLC14]

Am I being over sensitive?

I'm currently pregnant with first baby. My MIL has said her friend is giving her a car seat that either my DP can have in his car or she can keep for hers. I was a bit non commital and said oh I'll need to know the brand and model so I can check it has the most recent safety regulations etc. I said this as TBH I'm not comfortable with a 2nd hand car seat for my unborn baby. Also the NHS website recommends not getting 2nd hand car seats. And also I can't see any circumstance where in at least the first year of baby being born she would even need to take the baby anywhere in her car.

So this evening over dinner I said to DP when you next speak to your mum can you say about the car seat. He said oh yeah she said about that the other day. He said that he said to her we probably won't need it, but she wouldn't let it drop so he just said she could get it. I said to him don't you realise the safety risk with this. Well then he rang her and said don't get that car seat LBLC14 doesn't want it. I'm infuriated at him. It's his mum why couldn't he just say HE doesn't want it for concerns over the history and safety and following NHS guidance?

Just to say I do get on with his family very well and they are so lovely and generous with our baby on the way. If it was my mum i would feel comfortable with a firm NO and telling her not to bring it up again.

AIBU not wanting a 2nd hand car seat for my unborn baby??? AIBU for being angry at DP for basically telling the truth as it makes me sound ungrateful???

Afaik, the recommendation against second hand car seats is because you don't know their history, so don't know if they've been dropped or in an accident etc. So it basically comes down to the friend - do you trust the friend (or the MIL's opinion of the friend) that it has been stored correctly etc?

I don't think this was worth arguing about tbh. Either take it as a "useful spare just in case" for your DH's car and never use it, or let MIL keep it at hers "just in case" and then find it's never needed.

Yanbu. He shouldn’t make you sound like the ‘bad guy‘ for putting baby’s safety first.

I wouldn’t trust a car seat from anyone I didn’t know personally, and have felt happier only buying brand new. My in-laws offered us a car seat they had for nephews, I declined as it had been in more than one accident during their ownership. They sold it on gumtree!

It’s not just the regulations, car seats have expiry dates. Lots of people are also not aware that they should be replaced in the event of an accident, even if they don’t appear damaged or weren’t being used by a child at the time.

Just take it, say thank you and keep it in the garage as an emergency spare.

I did say to him well just let her get it and put it in her car and we'll never use it. But he said that's a waste as they could give it to someone who needs it/will use it.

He doesn't understand that I'm annoyed that he said it was me that doesn't want it rather than protecting me a bit and saying WE don't want it or HE doesn't want it. He thinks I asked him to tell his mum not to get the car seat and he has done what I asked!

No big deal to use as a spare. When you go abroad and rent a car you rent a car seat with it.....It's not really that risky, but if you don't want it just say no we would prefer to buy that kind of thing new.

I sold our used car seats that, I can honestly say, have never been in an accident.

I have used a car seat that was given to me by my sister that I know was only 2 years old and could guarantee 100% had not been in an accident.

Would I buy/accept one from someone I don’t know? Not a chance.

Equally, I wouldn’t rock the boat over this with MIL. She clearly sees no wrong which is a red flag. Take it, smile and shove it somewhere that MIL won’t find it or be able to use it without you knowing.

No, when you go abroad, you bring a car seat because renting one is dangerous. You need to always know the history of any seat you use for your child.

op, your DH needs to get up to date on best practices and take ownership of them.

It's coming from someone you know (in this case someone MIL knows) I'd say thank you very much and keep it as a spare in an emergency, it sounds like they've been very kind and thoughtful.
However as an adult, your DH shouldn't need to lie to protect you, just own it if that's your opinion. He clearly doesn't agree so why does he need to pretend he does.

Surely if there’s an accident then the car is designed to take the brunt of the impact. If it’s serious enough that the seat is taking the brunt then it’s probably not going to help much whether it’s new or not.

I always thought the not buying second hand guidance was in case the buckles or straps were faulty.

disclaimer these are just my thoughts, I have no expertise in this matter.

I would totally agree with you and not use a second hand car seat unless directly from a very close friend of mine.

Your DH shouldn't have put all of the blame on you and said it was a joint decision but now I would just own it.

Also for those who say they have no expertise in this area, it may be worth staying out of it. Car seats have changed drastically in recent years and pre baby and even now when potentially changing seats I do a lot of reading around it. Much like many people looking at car seats for the first time.

If you peel back the car seat cover you can see if the polystyrene is intact, so I disagree that renting one when abroad or using second hand is dangerous.....it may not be the very best option but you have to use common sense to weigh up the situation, and for some people taking their own car seat abroad is just not practical. Others simply can't afford a brand new car seat.

People don't understand the forces involved in even a a minor car accident. There are plenty of areas of child rearing where it's ok to save money by using hand me downs and bargains off Facebook marketplace. Car seats are not one of them. Get the most up to date one you can afford and take the time to install and adjust it correctly.

It's not hysteria, it's being cautious.

Car seats expire over time as the materials used in them degenerate.

It might as well be an unknown off eBay - unless the OP has a direct relationship with the person passing on the car seat then how are they to know what condition the seat truly is in.

If you are referring to my post then I was just making an observation about what I thought the reason was. I take your point though I added the disclaimer to make it clear that I am not trying to sway someone to accept second hand.

When it comes to child safety then I too would buy a new one. 🙂

Thanks everyone for your comments!

I'm taking away I'm entitled & justified to my feelings in not wanting a 2nd hand car seat.

But I probably should have just put my big girl pants on and said in the first place I just don't want a 2nd hand car seat due to safety & history concerns.

Have a lovely evening all 😊

I think if you wanted to say no for these reasons you should be able to own it. He couldn't see an issue in getting the car seat, I wouldn't see an issue either. But because you did it's on you to own it. Why did he need to take the blame?

So... you were non-communal to your MiL when you should have just said you didn't want it.
You then badgered your partner who told his mum straight that you didn't want it.
And now it's a problem?
Get a grip OP.

If the person is trustworthy say thank you very much and keep the seat somewhere safe as a spare. I’ve got a couple of second hand car seats from people I know that I used as spares. Mine are slightly older but the classic is me dropping off at preschool and GPs picking up. Or my worst nightmare my car being stolen with the seats in (was very likely with last vehicle) and then whoever came and got us would need to bring car seats.

*non-commital

In all honesty I felt impolite and rude saying no thank you to a gift. I felt he should 'take one for the team' so to speak and just say no, like I would if it was my mum.

Taken onboard comments though that for that part and I ABU

Yep I get what you mean. He had originally said no but she wouldn't drop it so he relented. And then she bought it up with me. I didn't badger him just mentioned it once to him to say no thanks when he next sees her. At that point I didn't know she had spoken to him about it too. Lesson learned to not worry about coming across as rude or ungrateful in the future if I have safety concerns.

If you get on well with MIL why not just have a chat with her yourself? I'm sure you can explain your reasons for not trusting a 2nd hand car seat. It doesn't have to be a big drama.