To ignore Christmas

[SGANDRUE]

I find Christmas extremely triggering of my anxiety, stressy, disappointing, tiring, etc, etc. Much like everyone does.

My Dh and I hosted his family every year for years. My Dh is an amazing cook and Christmas dinner would always be amazing, but we got fed up with invitations never being reciprocated. Last year, kept it simple, by just having My DM and DD over, except on arrival he mentioned he didn't have much of an appetite as he and my DM had just had a huge breakfast with my DS! Was not happy!
Every autumn my Dh and I threaten to boycott Christmas and forgo the spending, shopping, cooking and stress, but never manage it. AIBU to want this? Do others get away with ignoring Christmas?

@Fireangels I second everyone encouraging you to say something this year. Now is an ideal time to start, there’s plenty of time for other people to incorporate your mum into their plans.

@FourChimneys I love little nuggets of strangeness like that! There were statistics about New Years Day, plus the Christmas season as a whole too. It bugs me that there were some years I couldn’t find the answer too though. If I did a tax return I’d definitely save it up for Christmas Day!

I really like the idea of normalising ordinariness on Christmas Day and the days surrounding it. Want to scrub your floor? Want to wash your curtains, wash your car, sort out a new electricity provider? Go for it!

I wish it were that simple. I’ve never said anything about Xmas, but I have mentioned before about Mothers/Father’s Day and parents birthdays that are also left to me. DSis just said I wasn’t obliged to celebrate these occasions with the parents, it’s my choice, but she won’t be going there because (pick your excuse) I don’t want to spend Mother’s Day in the car, I can’t afford the petrol, her DDs have already booked a restaurant, etc etc. My DHs birthday sometimes falls on Fathers day but we were still expected to do something with our dad. It sounds awful, but my dad has very recently died so next Father’s Day will just be for DH to be spoilt by our DDs.
DB will always be with his DPs parents on these occasions because she is an only child.
it also annoys me because neither of them will contribute towards going out for the day or lunch etc (because it’s my choice!!!) so it costs me a fortune as well,
I just can’t bear the idea that people that have a family should be left alone on these significant days.

The "child" was in her 20s,and I wasn't upset that she became stressed and wanted to leave, it's that most of the party left with her! When her BF could have just taken her home. This meant that the day was basically ruined because they ate and went home before we had spent any time together at all. That's why my Dh was pissed off. All that effort, shopping, cooking, organising, cleaning, hand make crackers, making the table and house look lovely, etc and they ate our lovely dinner and basically sodded off because one of them wanted to go home!

Yes, I am sensitive about the breakfast thing as my DS and I can't stand each other and are NC. Would it have killed my parents to have had a modest breakfast with her knowing that my Dh was going to be cooking something pretty lavish later on in the day?

Thank you everyone for your suggestions. My Dh says we aren't doing anything unless we actually get an invite or if the family organises something for a change. So I won't feel guilty about not feeding anyone.

Fab and then when someone mentions coming to yours "sorry we've not planned anything to eat, you'll have to bring food with you if you want anything"

I think I understand why you feel like that.
your family essentially treated your house like a restaurant, turning up just to eat, rather than visiting loved ones. I’d be a bit miffed too.

If you have younger children I think.its nice tonl do sometjing more traditional. If not then opt out completely - our favourite Christmas was 2.weeks in Thailand with zero Xmas festivities. Just arrange it and make it happen!

MeAgainAndAgain One year when we had had mild weather I mowed the lawns on Christmas morning.

@FourChimneys How weird, I was just thinking about mowing the lawn earlier today (I hadn’t seen your comment) and I was thinking if I would include it in ‘normal jobs to do on Christmas day’ and came to the conclusion that I wouldn’t because it wouldn’t be the right weather for it! But, yes, that is a perfect example of that kind of thing.

I feel really terrible for you.

I was talking to my GP recently about a specific obligation I have, something similar to yours, and it just kind of slipped out due to frustration. But my GP just said ‘well you don’t have to do that. Lots of people don’t. There’s nothing wrong with that’ and it really surprised me, the way she normalised not doing it.

Honestly, I would recommend talking it over with a counsellor (I know, I know) but they are very good at observing in a detached way and asking questions, almost requesting you to justify your feelings about things. You know deep down that you don’t see your mother every day. You know she can cope with that. You also know that if you were (eg) Jewish or Muslim you probably wouldn’t give that day a second thought. You and her would be focussing on another day instead. People put a lot onto the ‘one day’ as if there are no other ‘one days’. I’ve spent many christmases working in hospitals, and there are efforts made to have a Christmas dinner, nice toiletries brought round for the patients, tv is free all day etc. But not many visitors as obviously no busses, taxis are expensive and people at home might have other obligations. You deserve to lounge around all day eating chocolate all day or whatever else you fancy doing. No one will sacrifice their Christmases for you in the future.

We were in Asia one Christmas and we didn’t even remember it was Christmas Day until late afternoon.

Do a family secret Santa. Budget £100. You get given a nice gift and give a nice gift.

Regarding the meal: it sounds like you've built it up to be a much bigger deal than it actually is. It's like you want it to be super special but everyone else is happy to go with the flow?

It is frustrating not to have invites reciprocated. Me and DH tend to be the hosts, even with friends but I think we are just good hosts!

Do a family secret Santa. Budget £100. You get given a nice gift and give a nice gift.

It’s family I (mostly) want to avoid at Xmas. I don’t want or need anything at all, least of all just because “it’s December 25th”, FFS.

@Hungrycaterpillarsmummy £100 is a huge amount to spend on someone, and creates a massive obligation. And pressure to ‘get it right’. If a £5 present doesn’t quite hit the mark, no problem. But £100?

It's for one person and we all agreed. Each year people can choose to be init or not. It's a choice not a mandate.

But I personally disagree with spending £5-£10 because it's just filler crap no one needs