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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ignore Christmas

66 replies

SGANDRUE · 16/09/2024 08:02

I find Christmas extremely triggering of my anxiety, stressy, disappointing, tiring, etc, etc. Much like everyone does.

My Dh and I hosted his family every year for years. My Dh is an amazing cook and Christmas dinner would always be amazing, but we got fed up with invitations never being reciprocated. Last year, kept it simple, by just having My DM and DD over, except on arrival he mentioned he didn't have much of an appetite as he and my DM had just had a huge breakfast with my DS! Was not happy!
Every autumn my Dh and I threaten to boycott Christmas and forgo the spending, shopping, cooking and stress, but never manage it. AIBU to want this? Do others get away with ignoring Christmas?

OP posts:
BigDahliaFan · 16/09/2024 12:42

Break the cycle...do something different this year just make sure your parents know soon.

Be clear and firm. Lie if you need to that you are going away, you can always say you changed your mind if you get found out.

You might find you miss it all in which case go back to normal next year.

Skyrainlight · 16/09/2024 13:44

I spent decades flying (long haul every second year) to see family every Christmas and absolutely dreading it. Because of health issues I can no longer travel and my husband and I now stay home and have a quiet day with just the two of us, we cook a lovely meal and enjoy it in exactly the way we want to and I now love Christmas again. I can't believe I spent so many years having such a miserable time travelling to do what other people wanted me to do and hating it. I wouldn't do the same again if I had my time over. Reclaim Christmas for yourself.

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 16/09/2024 13:49

What a waste of food, why didn’t they have it later or take it with them in Tupperware boxes. I bloody love a roast. We have one Christmas Day and another Boxing Day.

Silly having a huge brekkie too, we have a bit of toast and chocolate with a Buck’s Fizz sometimes.

Sorry I think I’ve missed the point- absolutely go away or have a quiet one at home!

mondaytosunday · 16/09/2024 14:58

Why not just celebrate on your own then? I love Christmas and half the time it's just me and my two kids (the other half we go abroad to my sisters, though missed that during the pandemic). It takes as much cooking for three as six! But it's worth it to me.
Catering for others is tricky. There's always someone who insists on helping that stresses me out, someone who drinks too much and gets a bit rude, and it's hard to relax when you are trying to endure everyone is happy while thinking the parsnips are a bit burnt!
I do fantasise about those big Christmases you see in movies where the whole neighbourhood drops in for drinks on Christmas Eve and then a joyful family celebration on the day, but the reality is it's a lot of work and I'd want everyone to leave after a couple hours!

HoppityBun · 16/09/2024 15:00

Everyone can do what they want at Christmas but you have to own that power

HoppityBun · 16/09/2024 15:00

Everyone can do what they want at Christmas but you have to own that power

Itiswhysofew · 16/09/2024 15:20

Do what you want to do at Christmas. Everyone else can do what they want to do as well. You don't always have to be the hosts.

Boltonb · 16/09/2024 15:27

I think you and your DH sound over sensitive and a bit precious. A child wanting to leave and go home to play with their presents is completely normal. Having breakfast is also completely reasonable, and you could all have agreed plans/compromised on Xmas dinner serving time.

Having said that, you don’t owe anyone anything. As long as you make it clear that you’re not celebrating/hosting/visiting this year, everyone potentially affected has plenty of time to make their own plans.

Go away if you want/need to. Or just enjoy yourselves at home, without any pressure.

Fireangels · 16/09/2024 16:04

I’d LOVE to be able to decide how to spend Xmas. We used to all go to my parents for the day and dh parents for the evening. I would do most of the shopping and cooking for everyone in my parents home. Once my DS had her kids (now in their 30s) she decided not to come as she lives 70 miles away, refused to come the evening before or drive on Xmas day. Since then she posts pics on fb of their jolly japes having lunch in a local pub in their matching pjs etc, or relaxing at home. DBs partner (no kids) is an only child so they simply HAVE to go to her parents every year - unless they decide they’re tired and to stay at home by themselves. I have been expected to go to our parents to cook them Xmas lunch EVERY year for the last 30 odd years, with my DH and our DCs ( now in their 20s). The last 4 years my dad was bedridden so no choice to go anywhere else or even host in my own house.
My dad passed away very recently but still it’ll be up to me to make sure our mum is looked after whilst my siblings get to decide how they’d like to spend the day.
I’d love a stress free Xmas, but it won’t happen because my sibs won’t step up and allow me that option.

FourChimneys · 16/09/2024 16:45

We did it when the DC were small.

Since then my winters have vastly improved by realising that Christmas is entirely optional, and if it happens at all there is no reason whatsoever for it to be on 25 December. It is a fabricated date anyway, there is no evidence of any particular baby being born then (though of course lots of babies are born every day and always have been).

Have a get together with the family you like, see friends, go on holiday, redecorate the lounge, go for a long walk, redesign your garden, do your tax return, whatever takes your fancy.

ItTook9Years · 16/09/2024 16:49

Been ignoring it for 20 years or so and highly recommend it.

ItTook9Years · 16/09/2024 16:49

FourChimneys · 16/09/2024 16:45

We did it when the DC were small.

Since then my winters have vastly improved by realising that Christmas is entirely optional, and if it happens at all there is no reason whatsoever for it to be on 25 December. It is a fabricated date anyway, there is no evidence of any particular baby being born then (though of course lots of babies are born every day and always have been).

Have a get together with the family you like, see friends, go on holiday, redecorate the lounge, go for a long walk, redesign your garden, do your tax return, whatever takes your fancy.

Yes yes! This!

MeAgainAndAgain · 16/09/2024 18:54

FourChimneys · 16/09/2024 16:45

We did it when the DC were small.

Since then my winters have vastly improved by realising that Christmas is entirely optional, and if it happens at all there is no reason whatsoever for it to be on 25 December. It is a fabricated date anyway, there is no evidence of any particular baby being born then (though of course lots of babies are born every day and always have been).

Have a get together with the family you like, see friends, go on holiday, redecorate the lounge, go for a long walk, redesign your garden, do your tax return, whatever takes your fancy.

Speaking of tax returns, google tells me that on Christmas Day this number of tax returns were filed……

2004 = 306

2005 = 270

2006 = 84 (really? Seems low)

2008 or 9 (or both) there were 620

2010 = 845

2015 = 2044

2016 = 1944

2017 = 2590

2018 = 2616

2019 = 3003

2020 = 2700

2021 = 2828

2022 = 3275

2023 = 4757

So this seems to be the thing to do.

FourChimneys · 16/09/2024 19:31

MeAgainAndAgain That's fascinating. I know a man who always does his tax return over Christmas because he doesn't celebrate at all, coming from a different culture.

I bet some people do theirs just to get out of boring family get togethers. You could probably sit on the sofa, one eye on your laptop and one eye on how much Great Aunt Mabel is drinking.

Pieandchips999 · 16/09/2024 19:38

It sounds like your description of the things you hate about Christmas is the things you hate about family taking the pee at Christmas. Have Christmas for your household only, go out for a nice meal or go away. Just tell everyone you need some quality time together. I'm sure they'll cope particularly given they come not hungry or run off at their convenience

WinterisComing95 · 16/09/2024 19:42

Honestly, we’re not doing Christmas at all this year. It overwhelms DD (8) who is autistic and it ends up just her screaming all day and us not actually enjoying ourselves. So Christmas Day will just be me and DD and our dog having a movie day at home!

Juliet194 · 16/09/2024 19:51

Just tell your family you're having a quiet Christmas just the two of you this year. Or that you're going away.

Then have a lovely day doing what you want.

Your DH sounds a bit of a martyr with the cooking though, to me it's just a fancy Sunday roast.

Barney16 · 16/09/2024 19:54

Go on holiday to somewhere hot. It's fantastic.

Chocolateorange22 · 16/09/2024 20:04

Absolutely do it as it sounds like so much stress for you

My poor father and step mum have always hosted her mother and any other stragglers. Usually my step brother and my brother if he's in the country. One year all the guests got hammered, my brother had to apologise the next day so did the now Ex GF and my dad was very hurt by it all. He said never again and the last few years they've gone away. Hurts a little bit as he misses out on my kids opening their presents. We had nothing to do with the spat years ago, weren't even there. If he's around though they get guilt tripped into everyone being on the own and end up hosting.

outdamnedspots · 16/09/2024 21:09

Fireangels · 16/09/2024 16:04

I’d LOVE to be able to decide how to spend Xmas. We used to all go to my parents for the day and dh parents for the evening. I would do most of the shopping and cooking for everyone in my parents home. Once my DS had her kids (now in their 30s) she decided not to come as she lives 70 miles away, refused to come the evening before or drive on Xmas day. Since then she posts pics on fb of their jolly japes having lunch in a local pub in their matching pjs etc, or relaxing at home. DBs partner (no kids) is an only child so they simply HAVE to go to her parents every year - unless they decide they’re tired and to stay at home by themselves. I have been expected to go to our parents to cook them Xmas lunch EVERY year for the last 30 odd years, with my DH and our DCs ( now in their 20s). The last 4 years my dad was bedridden so no choice to go anywhere else or even host in my own house.
My dad passed away very recently but still it’ll be up to me to make sure our mum is looked after whilst my siblings get to decide how they’d like to spend the day.
I’d love a stress free Xmas, but it won’t happen because my sibs won’t step up and allow me that option.

You can't control what everyone else does. All you can control is what YOU do.

If your siblings don't want to host your parents, why do you have to?

It sounds like you have been a martyr for 30 years. You don't have to do that.

Fireangels · 16/09/2024 21:36

outdamnedspots · 16/09/2024 21:09

You can't control what everyone else does. All you can control is what YOU do.

If your siblings don't want to host your parents, why do you have to?

It sounds like you have been a martyr for 30 years. You don't have to do that.

Show quote history

Easier said than done. I couldn’t leave my parents to fend for themselves. They were both in poor health, and my dad died 7 weeks ago after having been bedridden for the last 4 years. Mum is now on her own. For decades I have been there for them and the siblings know if I decided to go away or stay home with my adult kids I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. I think they’re incredibly selfish but I know that I will never be able to decide how I’d like to spend Xmas until my mum is no longer here,

outdamnedspots · 16/09/2024 23:07

Yes, @Fireangels , that's the situation now, but presumably 30 years ago your parents were in good health?

You could have had a discussion over these years about Christmas and what you wanted to do.

outdamnedspots · 16/09/2024 23:08

And in really sorry for your loss, @Fireangels.

Fireangels · 17/09/2024 00:03

outdamnedspots · 16/09/2024 23:07

Yes, @Fireangels , that's the situation now, but presumably 30 years ago your parents were in good health?

You could have had a discussion over these years about Christmas and what you wanted to do.

30 years ago DS had small children and I didn’t blame her for not wanting to spend 2 hours in the car on Xmas morning or having to bring the kids gifts and stockings to the parents on Xmas eve. I live close to the parents so it just fell to me. Even after I had my kids a few years later. It’s only more recently that I’ve started to feel aggrieved that both siblings are able to decide how they’d like to spend Xmas knowing full well that I can’t do the same.

outdamnedspots · 17/09/2024 07:27

@Fireangels - Could you talk to your siblings now about it? Tell them how you feel? How do you get on with them generally?