Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should he pay me back?

36 replies

redkite27 · 15/09/2024 13:13

To cut a long story short we went on a once in a life time type holiday this year and the original plan was to half the cost each. My husband spent quite a long period of time out of work during the year and so I ended up paying the full holiday amount.

He is very financially savvy and so has been able to continue paying all other bills, the mortgage and costs etc but the holiday was a bit much. I was happy to pay for it and had the extra funds thanks to a bonus.

Whilst we were there he did quite a bit of shopping for himself and the kids. Since we have been back (and he is now working again in a very well paid role) I have been wondering if he was going to pay me back for his half. He says that he isn't planning to, as all money is family money and we support each other.

Last year he paid for our entire holiday as I wasn't able to contribute then. So I think IABU to want him to pay me back but wondered what others think.

Getting the money back would make a difference to my savings.

OP posts:
Crazykefir · 15/09/2024 13:15

Yes your being unreasonable. He paid last year.

poppyzbrite4 · 15/09/2024 13:15

It's either family money or it isn't.

Original poster
redkite27 · 15/09/2024 13:15

Even though there was an agreement that he would pay me back this year and no such agreement last year?

OP posts:
Whatbloodysummer · 15/09/2024 13:17

You are being unreasonable.

He did exactly the same for you the previous holiday, so did he insist that you pay him back?

If finances are 'separate' and so are savings, then you need to have a discussion about how to equal things going forwards.

If finances are all 'family' money, then you need to stick to that.

PorridgeIsNotSlimmingTheWayIMakeIt · 15/09/2024 13:17

redkite27 · 15/09/2024 13:15

Even though there was an agreement that he would pay me back this year and no such agreement last year?

The trouble with this sort of splitting hairs, when you're married, is where do you draw the line? What might he start asking you to pay him back for, if you insist on treating finances as though you're single?

Wwyd2025 · 15/09/2024 13:19

You're married there should be no such thing as his & her money. He brought you a holiday last year you know you're being unreasonable & selfish op.

BMW6 · 15/09/2024 13:20

I never understand why some married people keep their finances separate.

Isn't one of the basics of marriage the idea that you become one unit, sharing everything?

Surely all the incomes belong equally to both!
It makes no difference who pays for what when it all comes out of the same pot.

FuzzyDiva · 15/09/2024 13:20

You’re married and share a home and family. I think YABU to expect it back.

SeaToSki · 15/09/2024 13:20

How much is your income compared to his right now? If he is massively out earning you, I think it would be reasonable for him to pay you back, especially since that was the agreement when you both decided that you wanted to splurge in the holiday. Presumably your decision was based on only paying your half at that point in time and you might have decided to not afford it if you knew it would cost you double that. The fact that later he lost his job etc is a red herring imho

Maddy70 · 15/09/2024 13:21

Yabu. Its family money ....

mushpush · 15/09/2024 13:26

Surely the original agreement changed when he became unemployed and you then footed the entire cost?

I mean if he also paid in whole for the holiday the previous year, it's a bit cheeky to want half back when you benefited from saving money the year prior, and it just worked out that it was your turn to pay in full!

Donkeyfromshrek · 15/09/2024 13:27

If you keep finances separate he should in theory pay you back, although not if the holiday he paid for cost similar. If you share finances then it shouldn't make any difference. It sounds like you have an odd set up where sometimes it is considered family money and sometimes not. That is what needs to be looked at.

I don't agree with the idea all money has to be family money. I've been happily married for a long time with a joint bills account and separate personal accounts. What matters is whether the set up is fair. That is something that needs to be reassessed when circumstances change.

alpacachino · 15/09/2024 13:28

Is your marriage stable?

arethereanyleftatall · 15/09/2024 13:30

How do you organise your finances?

It's difficult to tell as on the one hand you say family money, and then on the other, 'pay me back'. How? Do you have a joint account?

If all money is pooled, and you're married so all savings are shared anyway, what difference does it make which account it sits in?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 15/09/2024 13:32

Assuming you contribute equally he paid last year you paid thiss year. Would you be happy if he said next year we are going to x place if you can't contribute I will take the kids and you can stay at home

Original poster
redkite27 · 15/09/2024 13:36

These are really helpful answers thank you all. I think it is fairly conclusively that IABU to want the money back!

Yes, marriage is stable.

We have separate accounts and also a joint account. All bills etc go from joint account and we have worked out who pays for what and how much of it based on income.

Our own spending comes from our separate accounts. He has always earned more than me and consequently pays for more.

I currently earn £85 and he earns £150.

OP posts:
BIossomtoes · 15/09/2024 13:37

I don't agree with the idea all money has to be family money. I've been happily married for a long time with a joint bills account and separate personal accounts. What matters is whether the set up is fair. That is something that needs to be reassessed when circumstances change.

We’re the same. No family money in this house. It does seem fair that you take turns to pay for holidays.

Just4thisthreadtoday · 15/09/2024 13:37

It's an alien concept to me not having shared money in a marriage.

i understand it all going in one pot, then an agreed sum going into personal accounts as monthly spends if you each want money that you can spend without thinking of the other/family first, but keeping it separate & having individual savings & splitting holiday costs just nah

not My idea of marriage, thanks.

your question can't be answered with such little detail, but you need to talk to him and see where you're both at with income, expenses and what counts as family money & what doesn't.

sounds like it's 'family money' when he's spending your money, but not when spending his??

Chonk · 15/09/2024 13:38

redkite27 · 15/09/2024 13:15

Even though there was an agreement that he would pay me back this year and no such agreement last year?

This is a massive dripfeed. How is he justifying changing his mind?

TillyKister · 15/09/2024 13:39

Surely any money is family money? Especially on holidays etc?

I don't understand the paying you back situation. Obviously you have savings or whatever or money for personal use from within the family money pot?

Just deduct a bit from the housekeeping if it'll make you feel better. It by passes all of this formally paying you back.

Original poster
redkite27 · 15/09/2024 13:40

Just4thisthreadtoday · 15/09/2024 13:37

It's an alien concept to me not having shared money in a marriage.

i understand it all going in one pot, then an agreed sum going into personal accounts as monthly spends if you each want money that you can spend without thinking of the other/family first, but keeping it separate & having individual savings & splitting holiday costs just nah

not My idea of marriage, thanks.

your question can't be answered with such little detail, but you need to talk to him and see where you're both at with income, expenses and what counts as family money & what doesn't.

sounds like it's 'family money' when he's spending your money, but not when spending his??

I think you are right!

OP posts:
Original poster
redkite27 · 15/09/2024 13:42

He says that because he wasn't working for some time and had to use his savings and investments to keep on paying for everything else and I had the money to pay for it, there is no need for him to pay it back now.
I think I need to have an honest chat with him about how I am feeling but also acknowledge that I probably ABU.

OP posts:
LittleSoo · 15/09/2024 13:52

He paid for the holiday last year but are these holidays equal in terms of spend or was last year a week in Tenerife and this year 2 weeks in the Maldives?

Maybe suggest starting a separate pot for holiday funds, put money into it and then use that for holidays.

Original poster
redkite27 · 15/09/2024 13:53

LittleSoo · 15/09/2024 13:52

He paid for the holiday last year but are these holidays equal in terms of spend or was last year a week in Tenerife and this year 2 weeks in the Maldives?

Maybe suggest starting a separate pot for holiday funds, put money into it and then use that for holidays.

Last year was about £5k cheaper than this year.
The idea of a holiday pot is great and then add to it as we can.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/09/2024 14:00

It depends. If all money is 'family money' ie you both have similar spending money, make financial decisions together etc, he wouldn't get himself big purchases but question you spending the same on big purchases for yourself because he earns more etc....then yes it would be odd of you to expect to be paid back.

If none of that is true and you have completely separate finances, and this is now going to mean that you are short while he can still treat himself, then his statement about all money being family money isn't true, and he has behaved pretty poorly agreeing to pay you back then saying he won't. If that's the case, would you have paid for his share if you'd known you wouldn't get it back?