Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should he pay me back?

36 replies

redkite27 · 15/09/2024 13:13

To cut a long story short we went on a once in a life time type holiday this year and the original plan was to half the cost each. My husband spent quite a long period of time out of work during the year and so I ended up paying the full holiday amount.

He is very financially savvy and so has been able to continue paying all other bills, the mortgage and costs etc but the holiday was a bit much. I was happy to pay for it and had the extra funds thanks to a bonus.

Whilst we were there he did quite a bit of shopping for himself and the kids. Since we have been back (and he is now working again in a very well paid role) I have been wondering if he was going to pay me back for his half. He says that he isn't planning to, as all money is family money and we support each other.

Last year he paid for our entire holiday as I wasn't able to contribute then. So I think IABU to want him to pay me back but wondered what others think.

Getting the money back would make a difference to my savings.

OP posts:
Original poster
redkite27 · 15/09/2024 14:06

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/09/2024 14:00

It depends. If all money is 'family money' ie you both have similar spending money, make financial decisions together etc, he wouldn't get himself big purchases but question you spending the same on big purchases for yourself because he earns more etc....then yes it would be odd of you to expect to be paid back.

If none of that is true and you have completely separate finances, and this is now going to mean that you are short while he can still treat himself, then his statement about all money being family money isn't true, and he has behaved pretty poorly agreeing to pay you back then saying he won't. If that's the case, would you have paid for his share if you'd known you wouldn't get it back?

Lots to think about here thank you

OP posts:
ladydeedy · 15/09/2024 14:11

Depends on how you manage your money as a couple. In ours it doesn’t matter who earnt it - it is joint money that you spend together. You’re a team.
I’ve been the higher earner mostly but then husband has from time to time (and received windfalls etc).

knittingdad · 15/09/2024 14:19

My understanding is that the default in divorce is to put all the money in all the accounts into one pot and divide by half. So there's no such thing as your savings, or one of you paying all of the cost for a holiday. It's all family money. It's all family spending.

So it's not a question of reasonableness. It's simply pointless.

honeylulu · 15/09/2024 14:24

Hmmmm I'm torn. Does he still have a nice stash of savings whilst yours are now depleted?

The family money/ one pot argument only completely works if you are are completely one pot household, which you aren't. If disposable income is separate you should discuss and agree who pays for what and if one person is taking the hit whether the other contributes by paying some of it back and how much. Then you both need to honour what's agreed.

I know posters are picking on you for accepting a "free" holiday last year but I think they're missing that (a) he earns a chunk more than you and (b) he volunteered to pay you back so you committed money on one basis and he then moved the goalposts.

I think if he doesn't change his mind after a discussion, you'll have to drop it but point out that he's shot himself in the foot because you're unlikely to take a similar risk in future.

MintyNew · 15/09/2024 14:26

You seem very transactional. Surely it's family money?

rwalker · 15/09/2024 14:29

It seems when the going’s good your happy for him to pay more and take a holiday off him but when the boots on the other foot you want 1/2 your money back

Original poster
redkite27 · 15/09/2024 14:32

honeylulu · 15/09/2024 14:24

Hmmmm I'm torn. Does he still have a nice stash of savings whilst yours are now depleted?

The family money/ one pot argument only completely works if you are are completely one pot household, which you aren't. If disposable income is separate you should discuss and agree who pays for what and if one person is taking the hit whether the other contributes by paying some of it back and how much. Then you both need to honour what's agreed.

I know posters are picking on you for accepting a "free" holiday last year but I think they're missing that (a) he earns a chunk more than you and (b) he volunteered to pay you back so you committed money on one basis and he then moved the goalposts.

I think if he doesn't change his mind after a discussion, you'll have to drop it but point out that he's shot himself in the foot because you're unlikely to take a similar risk in future.

This is really helpful, I feel like it lays out how I feel

OP posts:
Original poster
redkite27 · 15/09/2024 14:33

MintyNew · 15/09/2024 14:26

You seem very transactional. Surely it's family money?

Bit of a sweeping statement to say that I seem very transactional!!

OP posts:
JMSA · 15/09/2024 14:33

YABU.

GreyCarpet · 15/09/2024 14:35

redkite27 · 15/09/2024 13:15

Even though there was an agreement that he would pay me back this year and no such agreement last year?

Why the disparity?

Either it's family money and all.equal or it's not and you pay each other back.

Or is this because you have a deep seated feeling that, as the man, its OK if he pays alone but you don't feel you should pay for him?

Not cirtiicisng. Just trying to understand what your reasoning is.

Original poster
redkite27 · 15/09/2024 14:39

TBH, I actually think there could be a bit of that thinking in my rationale, yes.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page