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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this normal? AIBU to feel upset about this?

30 replies

Sm9986 · 15/09/2024 10:52

This is probably petty and pointless and but it's been on my mind for a while and not sure who else to ask about it.

My DSD is with us full time. Mum calls and texts weekly, and sees her (usually at very short notice) a 3 or 4 times a year- usually for a hour or two, never for overnight stays. This is all mum'a choice. There is a court order in place outlining regularity of contact and notice she has to give etc but she's never abided by it. Also she doesn't contribute to my DSD's upbringing in anyway besides to shower her with expensive gifts on her birthday and taking her out to fancy restaurants occasionally.

The issue is, on the occasions that my DSD sees her, she tells my DSD what to wear. She'll pick out her outfit, make a point of asking her if DSD has showered and brushed her teeth. One time she came to pick up DSD from the house- DSD had got dressed in a hurry after getting back from school- and mum told her to go in and shower and redress while she waited in the car outside.

I can't but feel this is a dig at me and my husband, almost like she's making an implicit suggestion that we're not taking care or her properly or paying attention to DSD's hygiene or appearance, which of course isn't the case.

AIBU to feel a little upset about this?

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 15/09/2024 10:54

Yes but it's an opportunity to teach DSD about boundaries and saying no.

Meadowfinch · 15/09/2024 10:58

It sounds more like she plans to take her Dd to a fancy restaurant, and wants her to look the part. I don't think it reflects on you at all, her mother is just shallow.

Agree with pp re: teaching your dsd how to set boundaries.

TinyYellow · 15/09/2024 10:59

I’d be a bit upset that she’s not just happy to see her daughter and is more fussed about her being pristine for wherever they’re going.

I don’t see how you’ve made it into being about making a dig at you. It doesn’t sound like a dig at you but even if it was, would you really give it any credit seeing as she’s a Mum that isn’t raising her own child?

Babsexxx · 15/09/2024 11:01

Pffffffft!!! I think it’s time to cut contact until she abides by the court order! Thats what you’ve given the money for, More importantly she doesn’t give a shit about her a child and who is she taking her to see to impress?! Must be someone she’s trying to convince that she’s a great mum.

See how sd feels about it before but I doubt she’s happy with this set up? How old is dsd?

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 15/09/2024 11:02

No, it's not a reflection on you. She's judging and manipulating her daughter. I would be reassuring dd that her clothes and hygiene etc is all fine.

Anyonefortennistoday · 15/09/2024 11:02

It sounds like she is using this as a way of exerting some control.over her DD's life. She has very little input into her upbringing and it sounds like a way of staking a claim in her DD.

I don't think it's a dig at you but I can understand it will be annoying when you and your DH are doing the work of bringing your DSD up on a day to day basis.

Catza · 15/09/2024 11:05

Yes, you are BU to think it's a dig at you and to be upset by it. Even if it is a dig, I don't see how it makes any difference to you.
One of my much older and wiser friends once told me "a person I don't respect cannot offend me". I lived by it ever since.

BigStevie · 15/09/2024 11:05

You're worried about what some dickhead who has no interest in her own child thinks? Honestly you are probably doing amazing, use it as the chance to teach DSD that she can say no if she doesn't like what her "Mum" is saying to her.

mondaytosunday · 15/09/2024 11:07

She obviously has issues. This is about her, nothing about you or her daughter.

Smokealarmtwister · 15/09/2024 11:07

Don't use this as an opportunity to teach boundaries! What a terrible idea! This child is being treated badly enough without being served up to a shallow woman's anger.

The whole situation is awful for you and the child but you're making the best of it.

sunsetsandboardwalks · 15/09/2024 11:11

I don't think it's anything to do with you, it's about her wanting to have some kind of control over her DD.

BigStevie · 15/09/2024 11:14

Smokealarmtwister · 15/09/2024 11:07

Don't use this as an opportunity to teach boundaries! What a terrible idea! This child is being treated badly enough without being served up to a shallow woman's anger.

The whole situation is awful for you and the child but you're making the best of it.

A terrible idea to teach a child she can say no? Sounds like a worse idea letting the child think thay have to pander to a dickheads demands.

FuzzyDiva · 15/09/2024 11:16

It sounds like the issue lies with her, not you or her daughter.

Elderberrier · 15/09/2024 11:17

God, how grim. How does DSD feel about seeing her mum this infrequently? I get you feeling offended but I don’t think this is a woman whose opinions on your parenting you should value. I think your questions need to be more about how do I protect DSD from the impact of her mum’s behaviours - which I can see you already are considering of course.

jeaux90 · 15/09/2024 11:20

Smokealarmtwister · 15/09/2024 11:07

Don't use this as an opportunity to teach boundaries! What a terrible idea! This child is being treated badly enough without being served up to a shallow woman's anger.

The whole situation is awful for you and the child but you're making the best of it.

What? So we shouldn't be teaching kids boundaries when people are treating them like shit? How absurd!

Original poster
Sm9986 · 15/09/2024 11:22

Thanks so much for your responses. Gosh I realise how silly it sounds for me to be upset by this in the grand scheme of things.

DSD (who is a young 13 year old for reference) seems oblivious, but I'm not sure if she's just hiding things well. DSD remains sat in her PJs waiting for her mum (who is on her way) to select her outfit. They're just going to the park today. It just seems really odd.

Anyway, thank you again for helping me see a little sense!

OP posts:
Midante · 15/09/2024 11:22

Concentrate on the big picture. What does your stepdaughter need you to do, to limit the damage this is doing to her?

Whatever her mum might be implying about your parenting - even if she were correct which I'm sure she's not - is a tiny dinky dot next to the horrible message she is sending to stepdaughter, that she is disgusting, not good enough etc.

DemonicCaveMaggot · 15/09/2024 11:25

I wouldn't take it as a dig at you but assume the 'mother' has some kind of fixation with cleanliness. It must be more hurtful for your DSD to have her mother imply she can't care for her basic hygiene adequately. I would have thought she could tell her mother 'I just showered and done my hair and teeth why do you need me to redo them?' in a polite tone without upsetting the apple cart too much. At least then she could find out exactly what her mother's issue is, and it is the mother's issue, not you or your DSD's.

Edingril · 15/09/2024 11:25

Why on earth are you twisting tto be about you? Sure sounds all messy but this is weird

user1492757084 · 15/09/2024 11:25

Your DSD sees her mother so infrequently that having the experience a positive one, I think, is important.
Tell your DSD that she is very well dressed and that her mother means well but is out of practice and nervous being a mother.
Ask your DSD how she feels about the visits?
Does she want to go?
Don't take anything personally. The mother doesn't cope like you do.
At some point you might need to teach your DSD to be kind but assertive about her own outings.

JMSA · 15/09/2024 11:28

Wow, what a piece of work she is! So she sees her daughter once in a blue moon and would rather waste time while she showers Confused
OP, you're lovely. This woman isn't normal. She's throwing her weight around to hold onto the modicum of control she still has.

DemonicCaveMaggot · 15/09/2024 11:28

Reading your second post I am really glad your DSD is living with you and not her mother. For a parent to want to control what their 13 year old wears to the extent of picking their outfits for them? Take that desire for control into all areas of the child's life and what a horribly restrictive upbringing it would be.

lightsandtunnels · 15/09/2024 11:31

Jeez she sounds nuts! Absolutely nothing to do with you OP - the woman obviously doesn't truly care about her daughter's upbringing as she isn't actually bringing her up so can't be that bothered. Sounds to me like she wants DSD as some kind of fancy accessory which is why she wants her to look a certain way when she takes her out.
Clearly way bigger issues linked to the court order here.

Original poster
Sm9986 · 15/09/2024 11:32

user1492757084 · 15/09/2024 11:25

Your DSD sees her mother so infrequently that having the experience a positive one, I think, is important.
Tell your DSD that she is very well dressed and that her mother means well but is out of practice and nervous being a mother.
Ask your DSD how she feels about the visits?
Does she want to go?
Don't take anything personally. The mother doesn't cope like you do.
At some point you might need to teach your DSD to be kind but assertive about her own outings.

Thank you for this.

DSD remains close to her mum. They're in frequent contact even if visits are infrequent, and DSD always really looks forward to seeing mum. I don't want that to change.

I do agree with previous posters who suggested this is about mum exerting a degree of influence in her daughter's life. This isn't about me and my husband- I need to remember that!

OP posts:
Midante · 15/09/2024 11:33

13! Genuinely pleased look into getting some counselling or psychological support for your daughter if she's not already getting/had some. There is a lot she will need to process. Expert help on how to distance herself from her mother's approval would be valuable and protective.