Is this normal? AIBU to feel upset about this?

[Sm9986]

This is probably petty and pointless and but it's been on my mind for a while and not sure who else to ask about it.

My DSD is with us full time. Mum calls and texts weekly, and sees her (usually at very short notice) a 3 or 4 times a year- usually for a hour or two, never for overnight stays. This is all mum'a choice. There is a court order in place outlining regularity of contact and notice she has to give etc but she's never abided by it. Also she doesn't contribute to my DSD's upbringing in anyway besides to shower her with expensive gifts on her birthday and taking her out to fancy restaurants occasionally.

The issue is, on the occasions that my DSD sees her, she tells my DSD what to wear. She'll pick out her outfit, make a point of asking her if DSD has showered and brushed her teeth. One time she came to pick up DSD from the house- DSD had got dressed in a hurry after getting back from school- and mum told her to go in and shower and redress while she waited in the car outside.

I can't but feel this is a dig at me and my husband, almost like she's making an implicit suggestion that we're not taking care or her properly or paying attention to DSD's hygiene or appearance, which of course isn't the case.

AIBU to feel a little upset about this?

Oh poor kid. She’s desperate for her feckless mother’s approval. I hope you and her Dad are able to make up for her shitty shallow mother.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all and I perhaps do think your DSD will feel a certain kind of way about this.

I experienced something similar but as a child. I lived with my mum full time and saw my dad probably 10 times a year (he moved to the other end of the country but used to drive up to visit me). He remarried and I would see his wife a couple of times a year. One year when I was around 10 my Dad took me away to Spain. My mum had packed for me but when I arrived my dad's new wife had bought me a new set of clothes which she'd brought with her and I wasn't allowed to wear the clothes I'd brought with me from home. It really upset me as a child and made me feel she was saying what I had with my mum wasn't good enough and she was embarrassed to be seen with me as I was. I'm not sure if sharing this will achieve anything but it may give an insight to your DSD's perspective, although it is a different situation.

This is genuinely insane.

Oh gosh! DSD's mum has done exactly this before. A few years ago my husband paid (!) for my DSD to travel with mum for a few days. I personally packed DSD's bag for her but the clothes I had packed came back unworn and she came back with another suitcase full of new clothes (even underwear and socks).

I definitely would be asking your step daughter is she ok with this.
I would be making it clear she does have a choice in all of this.
I would tell her it is ok to go along with this very strange and unusual behaviour from her mother if she wants to, but that it is ok to change her mind and not want to.

This is very controlling behaviour and not normal.
I think it is very important your step daughter knows it is not normal and she has choices.
In a normal household this would not be normal behaviour.
There is nothing wrong in calling out batshit behaviour.

Her mother sounds unhinged.