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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want to cut off my father in law?

32 replies

sushiandarollie · 14/09/2024 18:29

For context , we’ve been together 8 years…husband was predominantly brought up by grandparents,(his mum died when he was little) whilst his father went on to marry cruella de vil (10 years between him and half siblings). She’s always excluded my husband from their family.
All was tolerated when we first started dating. We weren’t included at Xmas dinners etc but did do cards and small presents which was fine at the time. Father in law never took to me from the start however, used to ring my husband trying to break us up and basically interfered. Couple years later, one of the half siblings stopped contact with us altogether out the blue. No card for Xmas/birthday and ignored out wedding invite (only husbands father came).
Two years later, now with a toddler, we had settled into a nice routine of just his father coming over to us to every few weeks. Until last month. His father dropped a bombshell and had a long phone call with everything we’ve done and said wrong over the years (& all stemming from ‘my influence’). It was brutal. He basically can’t stand me. I’m rude, have no hospitality as I’ve not made him a dinner every week; he hates my family; complained my husband hasn’t treated him enough for his 60th a few years ago, nit picked at specific conversations from months ago. Told me his family didn’t come to our wedding because of ME. Where do I go from here? It’s nearly a month and he’s not apologised or said anything.

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 14/09/2024 18:32

If he’s not apologised it’s because he is not sorry. Why wouldn’t you just cut all ties? I think I would. Do you even want him in your life? What does your husband say about it? He’s his blood relative after all.

Cherrysoup · 14/09/2024 18:34

You don’t need to see him, he doesn’t need to come to your house. You can’t stop your Dh from seeing him, that’s not your place but you can ask him to go over there so you don’t have contact. Seems like a fair deal.

SaffronsMadAboutMe · 14/09/2024 18:39

It sounds as though he's cut you off?

So do nothing.

user47 · 14/09/2024 18:40

I'd be very pleased as you now have an excuse to ignore him forever and ever.

poppyzbrite4 · 14/09/2024 18:47

It's all a bit confusing. Why have his whole family cut you off for no good reason or for made up reasons?

He's obviously out of order expecting you to wait on him when he visits, I assume your husband has use of his faculties.

What were the examples he gave of your behaviour? Why hasn't your husband ever stuck up for you?

TheShellBeach · 14/09/2024 18:49

What sort of things did he say that you'd done to merit ask this hatred from the entire family, OP?

Newname71 · 14/09/2024 18:59

He sounds exactly like my late FIL. Vile, vile man. I banned him from our home and refused to have anything to do with him!

Spenditlikebeckham · 14/09/2024 19:07

Sounds like he has made future occasions happier along with your life as a whole. No more fake meet ups. Less for your wallet to cough up for... Step away and be happier. He sounds like a cunt. Who needs a man like that around?

HisNibs · 14/09/2024 19:09

Sounds to me like the trash took itself out. You certainly don't need him or his family in your life.

Getitwright · 14/09/2024 19:10

Talk it over with your OH if you can, without being too emotional. Ask your OH his thoughts, possibly you don’t want to have any contact, but if your OH does, then suggest they meet up elsewhere, without you, and just don’t get involved. Try not to force your OH to take sides, but be clear about you not wanting any contact. You will have to think about your toddler as well, but if your FIL can be dignified enough not to let his bitterness spill over when he is with your daughter then it might make things easier between you all. Something might have triggered his reaction, not necessarily you though. But it’s easier for you just to keep away from him, don’t have any contact.

KekseKekse · 14/09/2024 19:24

OP, the FIL treated his son badly by not including him in his new family's life. I'm surprised that you both did cards and presents when you weren't good enough to be part of get togethers with FIL, stepmother and siblings.

Seems your DH craved any attention from his father no matter that he was treated as an outsider by him and his siblings.

Don't blame everything that happened prior to that conversation on the "wicked stepmother". Your DH's father had a choice in the matter but chose not to exercise it.

As others have said, you should ignore the FIL and the rest of his family. Leave it up to your DH to meet him elsewhere outside of your home if he wants to continue to beg for scraps of affection from his father (who doesn't appear to deserve to be called one by your DH!

sushiandarollie · 14/09/2024 19:45

I could quite easily cut ties. But my husband just feels unable to as it’s his ‘only family’ as his has no mum. He had such a beautiful relationship with his grandparents bringing him up that I think he feels that our child needs both grandparents.
My husband is not able to visit his dads house due to his wife (she rules the roost) . I’m concerned of his influence on my young child and the drama he’ll start stirring up.

I haven’t done anything to deserve what he says. There’s not been an occasion where I could have accidentally said or done something. The half sibling had just finished uni when they used to come over and was always working or out with friends (which I thought given her age was completely fine - she was young and starting living her life). But then we got a puppy and she didn’t ever visit (who doesn’t love a puppy?!) then that same Xmas we just didn’t get the usual cards /gift/text/ anything and then we were ignored from there. Father in law just said they don’t like me , and refused to elaborate.
it really sits not right with me that they think I’ve done something. I’m a shy person, who really values kindness and close friendships

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 14/09/2024 20:21

Your husband should stick up for you. He must know that you have done nothing wrong.

A child doesn't need both grandparents if one of them is absolutely horrible. The whole family sounds completely toxic and you should protect yourself and your DC from them.

DeliciousApples · 14/09/2024 20:40

If I were the husband I'd be round at the half siblings house being as nice as nine pence and trying to find out what's going on behind the scenes.

If it's just you they hate the sibling should talk to your DH fine without you.

Once DH knows the back story you'll both be better informed.

Is there a religion or cultural element to all this? Like you should be walking behind the men and speaking when you're spoken to etc?

Sootyb · 19/09/2024 07:15

This sounds exactly like my mil, word for word, also my DH half brother stopped talking to us out of the blue also. DH has never really gotten on with his mum. After we had a child mil got worse, so we cut ties, this was also DH decision.
It's never been better, our DC definitely doesn't need both grandparents.
I would at least try and limit seeing your fIL, if you cannot altogether, it'd not healthy to have toxic people in your life.

Sassybooklover · 19/09/2024 07:27

You'll be waiting a long time for an apology. He's not going to apologise, he doesn't see any reason too. Unfortunately, for whatever reason your FIL doesn't like you. He's made his feelings very very clear to your husband (and you). If your husband is 100% onboard with you, then cut contact - no point in trying to 'make him like you', its gone past that stage! If your husband doesn't want to cut contact, then he should take your toddler to see him, or meet somewhere neutral, without you. There is absolutely no need for you to endure your FIL for appearance sakes.

Lozviz · 19/09/2024 07:30

Some reading about narcissists and how to deal with them may be helpful. From your account it does sound as though this may be what you are dealing with.

Arty40 · 19/09/2024 07:38

I would talk to your immediate family, ie siblings, parents ect and all reassure your husband he is protected and cared for by your family.
He's going to feel rejection, chanel your energy into him and your lovely unit, reject and turn from the hate.
It sounds like your in laws are sad and bitter, you have no control over that, but I would keep some distance, for your sake.

jeaux90 · 19/09/2024 07:49

Your husband needs therapy and you need to stand your ground and go NC. What an asshole FIL is.

eatingandeating · 19/09/2024 08:05

May be a nice cup of coffee or tea now and then -- with some kindness & without rancour to a 60+ "a few years"? And "a FAMILY INCLUSIVE dinner a year or so" with affection? Worth trying... Breaking up is easy, keeping up is harder, much harder. But keeping up with one's family with an "inclusive" approach is good for everyone, including especially your partner and your children in the long run. There are invisible happy vibes we should all aim to benefit from. Good luck .

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 19/09/2024 08:17

He sounds vile and I don't think there is any going back from this

He basically abandoned his son, let grandparents bring him up, in favour of his new wife. He stood by and did nothing when his new.wife treated his son horribly. Whatever else he has done recently, this shows he has not been a good father to your husband. His list of moans are ridiculous and sexist...you haven't made him dinner every week- why you, what about your husband? What does the father in law do for you every week? As one example

I know some people like this and they thrive on creating drama and falling out with people for perceived slights. Their families spend half the time wondering what they've done wrong, and then get a long list of 'wrongdoings' (and no acknowledgement of things that they've done wg criticising parenting, drinking too much and insulting people etc) and apologise, and then the cycle starts again. The kind of people that say nasty things to someone and then fall out with them because they were 'rude leaving the table' (to go and cry in the bathroom after being fat shamed). There is literally so self reflection or change and any sort of standing up to it causes more drama and a longer period of being cut off. Honestly it never gets better and just seems to cause a load of stress, there is so much walking on eggshells that no matter where they are in the cycle, it's horrible for everyone. The only way to deal with this situation and retain your sanity, is step away from it

Maggiemay03 · 19/09/2024 08:17

As others have said, I would not try and rekindle any kind of relationship. You are actually protecting your child from toxic relatives and their influence.
If you husband insists on trying, then only allow them to see your child in neutral places, parks, cafes etc. Make sure you are with them.
My in laws were exactly the same . You can't please everyone or be liked by everyone. I would bet there is an element of anger, jealousy because they haven't been able to control you or Influence you.
My now adult kids were teenagers when they realised, without my saying anything , what their dad's family were really like. Good luck

HangryTurtle · 19/09/2024 09:59

Arty40 · 19/09/2024 07:38

I would talk to your immediate family, ie siblings, parents ect and all reassure your husband he is protected and cared for by your family.
He's going to feel rejection, chanel your energy into him and your lovely unit, reject and turn from the hate.
It sounds like your in laws are sad and bitter, you have no control over that, but I would keep some distance, for your sake.

I think this is such lovely, thoughtful advice Arty40.

So sorry you and your DH are being treated like this OP.

In answer to your question, who doesn't like a puppy, cats and people without a heart! X

Marosanne · 19/09/2024 10:48

I would refuse to see him or have him in my home and leave it at that, your child does not need a horrible grandfather who will probably slag you off to them if given the chance. Your husband needs to stand up for you.

GuPuddingRamekinHoarder · 19/09/2024 10:58

I’m a shy person, who really values kindness and close friendships

I suspect this is why they’re bullying you and scapegoating you.

I would just tell DH that you won’t associate with in laws anymore.

Leave the house, with or without the kids, the days on which FIL visits, but only once or twice a month. On other days, DH should meet his FIL outside of the house.

You shouldn’t have to leave your own home, but it might be better to let DH see that FIL is looking for an excuse. So remove yourself from the equation.