To want to cut off my father in law?

[sushiandarollie]

For context , we’ve been together 8 years…husband was predominantly brought up by grandparents,(his mum died when he was little) whilst his father went on to marry cruella de vil (10 years between him and half siblings). She’s always excluded my husband from their family.
All was tolerated when we first started dating. We weren’t included at Xmas dinners etc but did do cards and small presents which was fine at the time. Father in law never took to me from the start however, used to ring my husband trying to break us up and basically interfered. Couple years later, one of the half siblings stopped contact with us altogether out the blue. No card for Xmas/birthday and ignored out wedding invite (only husbands father came).
Two years later, now with a toddler, we had settled into a nice routine of just his father coming over to us to every few weeks. Until last month. His father dropped a bombshell and had a long phone call with everything we’ve done and said wrong over the years (& all stemming from ‘my influence’). It was brutal. He basically can’t stand me. I’m rude, have no hospitality as I’ve not made him a dinner every week; he hates my family; complained my husband hasn’t treated him enough for his 60th a few years ago, nit picked at specific conversations from months ago. Told me his family didn’t come to our wedding because of ME. Where do I go from here? It’s nearly a month and he’s not apologised or said anything.

Yes they are your husbands family but why is he not challenging them on this? You are now his family and he’s hung you out to dry. You can guarantee the FIL will be back when he needs care in old age and his step kids don’t want to know.

block him on your phone so you can’t see anything from him ever again.

they aren’t your friends or family. Do they do anything with their grandkids? If he wants to see your DH then DH is in charge of organising etc. as FIL hates you then he won’t mind if you aren’t there.

or say that FIL is not coming into your home, your safe space. It’s ridiculous that the MIL keeps him out.

In your shoes there is absolutely no way that this nasty, vile, excuse for a father/FIL would be seeing me OR my child in the future OP. I know that your DH is your child's father, and so in theory has just as much say in who your child has contact with, but if your DH is a good man, he will totally understand that you are not going to allow your child to be put into a position where his father's family can badmouth his mother. If he insists that your child has contact with his father, then you can insist that you go with them, and if his father says you are not welcome, then you would be perfectly entitled to say, 'if I'm not welcome, then neither is my child', and leave, thereby making it absolutely clear to your DH that you will do anything for him and your child, but WILL NOT be treated badly for doing so.

As a previous poster said, I would be talking to my own family, and asking them to make it clear to my DH that he has a loving family in them, and that they will always love and protect your/his child as good Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, etc should. Encourage your child to spend as much time as possible with your side of the family, assuming of course that they are good and decent people, and live close enough to do this, so that your DH can see how well loved his child can be, even if not by his own family.

Finally, I think your DH may need therapy so that he can see, that just because his GP's obviously loved him dearly, his father isn't emotionally capable of giving his own child, or his grandchildren the same type of love, as if he was, it is very unlikely that he would have shunted him off to his GP's to raise, while he went off and made a new family with someone else, and basically rejected him when he was a young child. He presumably carries a lot of hurt from this, so I would be asking him if he would want his own child to experience the same, by allowing a relationship with his/her GF, only to also be rejected for some ridiculous reason, in the same way that you have been? As a matter of interest, when his Father shunted him off to the GP's, was it his maternal, or paternal grandparents that he went to live with, as if it was his mother's parents, then it might be that his Father's parents weren't good parents either and therefore his Father never had a good role model in the first place?

Live your life don't even give him a response. Your husbands problem. If he loves you he will have your back x

One month on , father in law has had no contact either phone call or in person (only a text or two) and now understands he can’t see my husband or our child ‘for now’. Wondering how long this nice break from his drama will last…,
His response to my husband as to why he said these things was ‘emotions got the better of me’. He also told my 35 year old husband that he ‘just felt somewhat neglected and wanted some attention!!!!’

Well I wouldn't ever be in the same room as him again.
I would tell my H he can do what he likes but you will be having nothing to do with any of them and if your H wants to invite his father into my home then I will be out.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5201284-how-to-say-no-to-mil?reply=139518220&utm_campaign=reply&utm_medium=share

There is a post on here from @AttilaTheMeerkat that explains this family dynamic so well.

Your DH has been badly, badly emotionally damaged by your FIL. It is not just MIL here, your FIL is toxic as bleedin’ feck.

My Dad’s like this. Permanent victim mentality even though he fucked off when we were toddlers to build his new family. Ignore him, go low contact. If your DH wants a relationship he can organise 1-2-1 visits.