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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To introduce DS to my boyfriend?

35 replies

xrissxross · 14/09/2024 16:46

A bit of background - I've got DS11. His Dad walked out when he was 1. He can't remember him ever being at home and he sees him regularly. In those 10 years me and his Dad have been split up (we weren't married) I have had one relationship which lasted 3 years. He ended things out of the blue which was difficult for both me and DS as he was close to him. Fast forward to now.

I have been with my current partner for 10 months, although I've known him a lot longer. So far DS hasn't met him and because my boyfriends kids (teenagers) also live with him it's meant it can be tricky to see each other. We do get the odd child free night but mostly we meet out somewhere.

My boyfriend would like us to introduce children soon. My DS is aware of my boyfriend (only recently), and I have spoken to him about the possibility of meeting him. DS11 has said no, he doesn't want to. I've asked why and his only answer is that he doesn't ever want me to have a boyfriend.

How would you handle this? Accept what DS is saying and hold off any introductions? I'd be happy to do that but what if he still feels the same way 6 months down the line? Or in a year? We weren't planning on blending families any time soon (or at all whilst there are children at home). Thanks

OP posts:

Overtheatlantic · 14/09/2024 16:48

I think you should listen to your son. This is a very short relationship and you have no idea how it’s going to go. Your son quite rightly wants no part of it and he must be your priority. Why do you even have to ask?

loropianalover · 14/09/2024 16:49

Listen to your child… 10 months is nothing OP.

SwiftiesVSLestat · 14/09/2024 16:51

If Ds isn’t comfortable I would hold off for now.

Butterfly43 · 14/09/2024 16:51

It's understandable your DS feels like that after what happened with the previous boyfriend. Obviously you can't let him dictate your relationships forever but I would hold off for now and broach it again at the 18 month mark. 10 months really isn't very long at all.

Original poster

xrissxross · 14/09/2024 16:53

@Butterfly43 I'm really just trying to get peoples thoughts at what point it would be acceptable, so thank you!

OP posts:

fizzymizzy · 14/09/2024 16:54

DS11 has said no, he doesn't want to.

How would you handle this?

By listening to him.

JustLoveCake · 14/09/2024 16:55

How long ago did you tell your son? It's not a 10 month relationship in his eyes. Personally I think a year is around the right time to introduce kids.

Brainded · 14/09/2024 16:58

Well I wouldn’t let him dictate that you can’t have a boyfriend…but if he’s not ready to meet right now then I would leave it. But I wouldn’t stop seeing your boyfriend and I would make it know in subtle ways over a period of time that he exists. Name drop etc… then I would ask him again in an another 4-6months. And go from there

angellinaballerina7 · 14/09/2024 17:00

Too early imo. Accept what he says and maybe revisit around the 18-24m mark.

CrouchingTigerHiddenChocolate · 14/09/2024 17:00

Listen to your son.

It's a pretty short relationship, and your ds will have trust issues due to his dad and your ex.

I get it's hard, I've been there/am there but your kid needs to come first.

I've been with my dp for over 5 years, spoke to my kids about him at the 1 year mark, adult kids got introduced at around 18 months, younger kids got introduced at 2 years, spent regular time together for a year, sleepovers started happening at 3 years, and now we are contemplating moving in together and probably will at the 6 year mark.

10 months when your kid has been let down by 2 guys in the 11 years on this planet is nothing. You need to go at your sons pace.

Commonsense22 · 14/09/2024 17:45

10.months is not short at all later in life. I was married in less than that. Neither of us had kids though.

But it sounds like your son needs a bit more time due to past experiences. I'd tell him you won't introduce him before Christmas but sometimes next year, you'd like them to meet.
On a practical level, it can't be covert forever.

SwiftiesVSLestat · 14/09/2024 17:51

Commonsense22 · 14/09/2024 17:45

10.months is not short at all later in life. I was married in less than that. Neither of us had kids though.

Edited

Is it short though when your child has been very upset by a previous relationship ending.

What if Op introduces this one and everything is great and in 3 years this relationship fails?

Should Op then introduce the next one after 10 months because she will be later in life than she is now, so it’s even shorter then?

and who says Op is later in life? She could be late twenties.

Ablondiebutagoody · 14/09/2024 17:52

Easy. Don't introduce them.

Beth216 · 14/09/2024 17:54

If he has only just found out about the boyfriend then he is still processing that. He needs the chance to see that the boyfriend isn't negatively impacting on his life and time with you and to get used to the idea. He hasn't had 10 months of knowing about this, give him time to get his head around it.

Dweetfidilove · 14/09/2024 18:00

Your son thinks he's been here before, so it's understandable he doesn't wish to form another connection. He probably fears a third round of abandonment.

If you both respect his wishes, it's possible he'll be more cooperative in time to come. And if he isn't, you can conduct the relationship away from him.

SonicTheHodgeheg · 14/09/2024 18:05

You asked him about the possibility which means that no is a legitimate option to that question.

Don’t force an introduction or you’ll ruin your relationship with do. It would make your life easier if he’d meet and accept bf but the best that you can do is date bf out of your home and hope that he comes round in a year or so. He’s only just found out so going from knowing to meeting is too soon.

Jagshamesh · 14/09/2024 18:08

DS will always say no. If you plan to stay with your boyfriend then introduce him. You were daft to ask your son his opinion. Just grow some backbone and do it.

Lifestooshort71 · 14/09/2024 18:13

Jagshamesh · 14/09/2024 18:08

DS will always say no. If you plan to stay with your boyfriend then introduce him. You were daft to ask your son his opinion. Just grow some backbone and do it.

Presumably she planned on staying with the last boyfriend and look how that turned out

Ilovelurchers · 14/09/2024 18:36

10 months is quite a long time to be honest.

On here there can be a prevailing school of thought that mothers shouldn't even date if their kids don't want them to, and that you have to have known someone about a decade before you even consider what you have a "relationship".

I waited a year to introduce my daughter to my now husband, and that was too long really - it made it much more fraught and momentous than it needed to be.

As long as you aren't introducing this guy and saying "here is your substitute father, you are now to call him "daddy"", what possible harm can it do to let them have a quick casual meet up at a McDonalds or something?

Above all, please do not allow your son to believe he can dictate your relationships. To give a child this amount of power over adult decisions (or even the allusion of this kind of power) is extremely damaging. He's a kid and you're his mom. He doesn't get to dictate what you do with your life. It's not like you are about to make him move in with this guy .....

And if he says again he doesn't want you to have a boyfriend, ask him why he wouldn't want you to be happy in this way? 11 may not be old enough to make decisions about an adult's life, but it's plenty old enough to be able to consider other people's happiness as well as his own. Reassure him, of course, that he will always be your priority, that you aren't about to expect him to regard this man as a parent or spend every waking hour with him etc etc.

Dapme · 14/09/2024 18:38

Jagshamesh · 14/09/2024 18:08

DS will always say no. If you plan to stay with your boyfriend then introduce him. You were daft to ask your son his opinion. Just grow some backbone and do it.

Inclined to agree. DS is just protecting himself and doesnt want to lost his mum to a nasty man again but you 2 just having clandestine get togethers isnt sustainable.

GreyCarpet · 14/09/2024 18:40

xrissxross · 14/09/2024 16:53

@Butterfly43 I'm really just trying to get peoples thoughts at what point it would be acceptable, so thank you!

I'd say it was acceptable when your son is open to the idea.

My daughter was adamant I wasn't having a boyfriend ever and she wpuld never meet one between the ages of 7 and 13.

So I dated but not seriously and never introduced her to anyone.

When she was 15, she was more than happy to meet my boyfriend (now fiance) and it was actually her who asked if he could move in with us.

Your son won't feel this way forever but only if you take notice of his feelings now. He has no need to meet your boyfriend. He is irrelevant to your son as my boyfriends were irrelevant to my daughter.

Startingagainandagain · 14/09/2024 19:22

''@Dweetfidilove

Your son thinks he's been here before, so it's understandable he doesn't wish to form another connection. He probably fears a third round of abandonment.
If you both respect his wishes, it's possible he'll be more cooperative in time to come. And if he isn't, you can conduct the relationship away from him.''

This!

OP if you look at it from the point of view of your son in his short life he has already seen your two main relationships end abruptly and no longer wants to get attached to anyone else.

10 months is nothing and there is no guarantee that this is not going to be another short term thing.

Your son will probably come around if he sees that the relationship lasts.

It would be a bad idea to try to push to blend the families at this stage by the way. It sounds to me that your boyfriend is pushing for an introduction to the children on both side simply because he wants to get rid of the nuisance of having to meet outside.

Bluntly, I don't think that is a good enough reason to rush everything.

Thepeopleversuswork · 14/09/2024 19:43

This is a very difficult line to walk: I have been here. I introduced my daughter to my now partner at around a year and very slowly increased their contact. We now live together but it’s been nearly seven years.

FWIW if I can offer advice it’s this: listen to your child’s concerns and fears acutely. Be incredibly sensitive and respectful of their needs from you. Be prepared to back off from the relationship or the integration of the relationship if you have the slightest doubt. Reassure your child constantly that they are your primary priority. Take it as slowly and cautiously as you possibly can.

But: don’t present it to your child as a choice. It’s not and its patronising and destabilising to them to present it as such. Firstly because you are the adult and it’s up to you to protect them. Secondly because it’s not their choice and they know that.

A child cannot and should not dictate their parents relationships and should never feel that it is in their gift to do this. But they should have absolute confidence in your ability to put them first.

DaisyChain505 · 14/09/2024 20:06

Your son has said no, respect that.

if you’re still together in a year, readdress the situation then.

Cyclebabble · 14/09/2024 20:19

I would allow a little.more time maybe get through xmas. You do need to.move ur.life forward though and DS should not be allowed to dictate who you see and have a relationship with. I do not agree with the thought I see on MS quite often that a women with kids should never see a man until.the kids are adults.

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