To introduce DS to my boyfriend?

[xrissxross]

A bit of background - I've got DS11. His Dad walked out when he was 1. He can't remember him ever being at home and he sees him regularly. In those 10 years me and his Dad have been split up (we weren't married) I have had one relationship which lasted 3 years. He ended things out of the blue which was difficult for both me and DS as he was close to him. Fast forward to now.

I have been with my current partner for 10 months, although I've known him a lot longer. So far DS hasn't met him and because my boyfriends kids (teenagers) also live with him it's meant it can be tricky to see each other. We do get the odd child free night but mostly we meet out somewhere.

My boyfriend would like us to introduce children soon. My DS is aware of my boyfriend (only recently), and I have spoken to him about the possibility of meeting him. DS11 has said no, he doesn't want to. I've asked why and his only answer is that he doesn't ever want me to have a boyfriend.

How would you handle this? Accept what DS is saying and hold off any introductions? I'd be happy to do that but what if he still feels the same way 6 months down the line? Or in a year? We weren't planning on blending families any time soon (or at all whilst there are children at home). Thanks

What's the point in asking him if you're not going to listen to him? It's so important to respect his wishes. It seems like he is understandably hurt by men walking out of his life why would he want more of that.

This. He has clearly said no. Sorry but I think if you are a parent then your child comes first. There have been 2 men who have walked out, that leaves deep scars and he is only 11. How unfair to keep bringing men into his life because of your needs. 10 months is like 5 minutes. What is the rush? If your son needs however long then that's your time line.

So what's your advice. Give him a little more time and force this man Upon the child all because the mother has needs? Who is thinking of the child here?

If you ignore his wishes now its worse than never asking him.

You dont ask 10 year olds, you tell them.

You asked, he answered.

What was last relationship? What do you mean by sudden? How old was he? Did you live together?

On what's been said that's the issue. He has seen his mum hurt. He has been hurt.

I'm married, but I have loads of parent friends. At that age did it need to be more than that?

I would explain and work with my son to understand that there is a need for everyone to compromise and that his reluctance and wishes will be listened to but ultimately do not trump the needs of everyone else. To throw the question back what would you do? expect a single mother never to have a relationship again? Sorry you are not being realistic.

If your son said yes to meeting him, you would go ahead and do that.

Your son has said no, why can't that be accepted?

Yes he's the child and doesn't get to dictate what you do, however you.asled the question, he gave the answer that he wanted to and your now questioning whether to do it. You should never ask a question if you're going to disregard the answer.

It's been 10 months and sounds like you've not spent much time together. Are you both wanting to the children to meet so you can get more time together or because you feel its going somewhere?

I wouldn't. It's really tough on kids when they bond with a parental figure then lose them. I'd leave it. Review in a year. But definitely don't force it.

2 years - because I think this is when the honeymoon vibes can start to wear off and you begin to see what your partner is REALLY like (often pretty different and worse than they seemed at the start).

You need quite some time to establish that the relationship looks likely to last (and don't ignore any red flags that crop up).