Is anyone wrong here?

BeMintBee · 14/09/2024 08:39

Yes you should have been clear about what time you were going to be home and exactly who was babysitting when and until what time. Why would you assume other people’s time is “flexible”

SpagBolBowl · 14/09/2024 08:40

autienotnaughty · 14/09/2024 08:37

Going to a bbq today . I have two adult dc (18 and 22) and a younger dc (7)

Asked adult dc to babysit and to take dc to a bday party 45 min away.They agreed. Party is 1-3.

Then dd18 was invited out. She would still be ok to take dc to party but leave after. She checked with her sister who agreed all fine. So dd22 will be solo babysitting from about 4pm.

Dd22 has just asked when we will be back from bbq. I said maybe 7ish (bbq is about 40 min away) she is annoyed as she assumed we would be back at Same time as her (around 4) she has no plans that evening.

I've said obviously if she wants us to leave early we will but if we leave at just after 3 bbq probably won't be served so it feels a bit rude.

She feels tricked as we hadn't said when we would be back when we asked them to babysit. I assumed it would be flexible. I know dd18 wouldn't have cared (she babysits more than her sister)

Is anyone wrong or is it miscommunication?

Maybe DD 22 could skip the birthday party part and just babysit from 4pm? Then it's more or less the same time for each. Presumably both don't need to do both. Just sounds like a misscommunication.

Whaleandsnail6 · 14/09/2024 08:41

I think its normal to give a time you will be back if someone is babysitting for you so I think you should have been clearer.

Rosybud88 · 14/09/2024 08:44

It’s just miscommunication - I’d suggest having a chat and agreeing a time together and confirming that you will consider it going forward if you ask them to babysit again, easily resolved hopefully.

LoquaciousPineapple · 14/09/2024 08:46

Miscommunication and no one is "wrong" necessarily, but depending how you phrased the request you might be more to blame.

If you phrased it as "babysitting and taking her to a party" like you did in your OP, I can see how your daughter interpreted it the way she did. Babysit then take her to a party, job done.

And even if she doesn't have plans, I can see how it's annoying to go from expecting to finish babysitting at 4 to it being more like 7 and potentially having to sort out dinner, be supervising for longer than expected etc.

In future, just be clearer what times you need her for. Leaving things "flexible" is poor communication, ideally give a rough time without her needing to ask.

Original poster

autienotnaughty · 14/09/2024 10:29

So initially I asked dd18. But she can't drive so when the party came up I asked dd24 due to the driving element.

They sorted dd18 leaving early between themselves.

I guess I feel like bbqs don't typically last two hours so it would be longer.

But I suppose initially she was only asked for the party the rest would have been done by her sister so it hadn't occurred to me to discuss it with her.

Happy to leave early if needed but would probably have asked grandparents if it was an issue

OP posts:

buttonsB4 · 14/09/2024 10:41

Don't parentify your kids, it's not fair, your eldest children may be technically adults, but you chose to have a much younger child, so you (& the father) need to care for them.

Original poster

autienotnaughty · 14/09/2024 10:47

buttonsB4 · 14/09/2024 10:41

Don't parentify your kids, it's not fair, your eldest children may be technically adults, but you chose to have a much younger child, so you (& the father) need to care for them.

We pay them and it's fine for them to say no. They are both adults. We also ask my in-laws.

OP posts:

Rickrolypoly · 14/09/2024 11:45

autienotnaughty · 14/09/2024 10:47

We pay them and it's fine for them to say no. They are both adults. We also ask my in-laws.

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You pay them for watching their sibling for a few hours? I honestly feel despair reading posts on here sometimes. There really is no sense of family anymore is there? No sense of looking out for each other. Don't get me wrong, I don't think that siblings should be looking after each other constantly, they should be allowed to be kids and have fun etc but in a family everyone should muck in and help out. There is generation of lazy entitled kids being raised at the moment.
Edited to add, are they both living in your house too? Presumably rent free or paying very little.

Rickrolypoly · 14/09/2024 11:46

buttonsB4 · 14/09/2024 10:41

Don't parentify your kids, it's not fair, your eldest children may be technically adults, but you chose to have a much younger child, so you (& the father) need to care for them.

Get a grip, she's asking her daughter to watch her sibling for a few hours FFS.

Original poster

autienotnaughty · 14/09/2024 11:50

@Rickrolypoly it's always one extreme to other with replies😂

I agree it's good for older children to help out and contribute. The elder pays a low board. I'm happy to give them a little especially if they are taking him out

OP posts:

kindlyensure · 14/09/2024 11:57

I can't get my head around this, so I may not have understood.

she has no plans that evening. Did you mean to write she DOES have plans that evening? Because then, yes, if you did not give her a heads up about your eta, that would have been unreasonable (on both parts - she should have said yes but I'm out at 7 or whatever).

Otherwise, this is bonkers.

So essentially, your 22 (or 24 year old? You wrote both) wants you to come back from a BBQ at 4pm to babysit - who? Her and her 7 year old sibling?

Obviously, you are not being unreasonable. Unless there is some massive dripfeed and your older DD is ND or somesuch, then ...yeah,

mewkins · 14/09/2024 12:00

Different if they had plans but ridiculous to gripe about looking after their own sibling (for money!) for a few hours. Do they generally contribute to the household or is everything too much bother?

kindlyensure · 14/09/2024 12:00

(Or you are my friend who often ducks out of events early because her 24 year old has come home from work and she needs to make him his tea. I mean there are people like that, so.... it takes all sorts!)

Original poster

autienotnaughty · 14/09/2024 16:00

kindlyensure · 14/09/2024 11:57

I can't get my head around this, so I may not have understood.

she has no plans that evening. Did you mean to write she DOES have plans that evening? Because then, yes, if you did not give her a heads up about your eta, that would have been unreasonable (on both parts - she should have said yes but I'm out at 7 or whatever).

Otherwise, this is bonkers.

So essentially, your 22 (or 24 year old? You wrote both) wants you to come back from a BBQ at 4pm to babysit - who? Her and her 7 year old sibling?

Obviously, you are not being unreasonable. Unless there is some massive dripfeed and your older DD is ND or somesuch, then ...yeah,

Sorry dd22. I have a 24 year old too but he's not involved. Yes no plans. We will probably get off in a hour x

OP posts:

BigStevie · 15/09/2024 00:49

buttonsB4 · 14/09/2024 10:41

Don't parentify your kids, it's not fair, your eldest children may be technically adults, but you chose to have a much younger child, so you (& the father) need to care for them.

How ridiculous. You are allowed an evening out when you have kids you know.

SpiderGwen · 15/09/2024 00:54

I think home by 6 would have been a reasonable expectation for an afternoon BBQ, but not 3 or 4. Your DD should have clarified if she was expecting to have her evening free after agreeng to babysit.

ktab80 · 15/09/2024 00:59

autienotnaughty · 14/09/2024 08:37

Going to a bbq today . I have two adult dc (18 and 22) and a younger dc (7)

Asked adult dc to babysit and to take dc to a bday party 45 min away.They agreed. Party is 1-3.

Then dd18 was invited out. She would still be ok to take dc to party but leave after. She checked with her sister who agreed all fine. So dd22 will be solo babysitting from about 4pm.

Dd22 has just asked when we will be back from bbq. I said maybe 7ish (bbq is about 40 min away) she is annoyed as she assumed we would be back at Same time as her (around 4) she has no plans that evening.

I've said obviously if she wants us to leave early we will but if we leave at just after 3 bbq probably won't be served so it feels a bit rude.

She feels tricked as we hadn't said when we would be back when we asked them to babysit. I assumed it would be flexible. I know dd18 wouldn't have cared (she babysits more than her sister)

Is anyone wrong or is it miscommunication?

Older children aren’t babysitters. I have an older DC and wouldn’t ask her to babysit. I hire a babysitter.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/09/2024 01:06

Asking your older kids to take their 7 year old sibling to a birthday party 45 minutes away is cheeky as fuck. That's a massive step too far.

Ivehearditbothways · 15/09/2024 01:10

Do all your adult kids live with you?

Precipice · 15/09/2024 01:24

You should have specified when you intended to be back. They could have asked, but the onus is on you, as you were the one wanting the favour and the time period in which they have to be responsible for the youngest sibling is part of the task. Insane that it was just left open-ended.

Even if you "assumed it would be flexible", you should have specified a rough time (e.g. "I'll be back around 7" or "I'll be back around 18:30 to 19:30") That's still flexible. It's unreasonable to make caring for your youngest an open-ended responsibility for your eldest children, so that they can't have any idea of whether they'll have any time for themselves that day.

AbraAbraCadabra · 15/09/2024 02:15

buttonsB4 · 14/09/2024 10:41

Don't parentify your kids, it's not fair, your eldest children may be technically adults, but you chose to have a much younger child, so you (& the father) need to care for them.

Don't be ridiculous. It's absolutely fine to ask your older children to babysit.

AbraAbraCadabra · 15/09/2024 02:20

"Dd22 has just asked when we will be back from bbq. I said maybe 7ish (bbq is about 40 min away) she is annoyed as she assumed we would be back at Same time as her (around 4) she has no plans that evening."

Why did she assume you'd be back around 4, when you hadn't specified a time (as otherwise why would she be asking), and if she did assume that why is she bothered if she has no plans anyway?

Unless you get her to babysit every week, or your 7 year old is ridiculously hard work or something, she's being a bit unreasonable to make a fuss over a few hours when she'll be in anyway. She is part of a family and families (should!!) help each other out.

ktab80 · 15/09/2024 02:24

AbraAbraCadabra · 15/09/2024 02:15

Don't be ridiculous. It's absolutely fine to ask your older children to babysit.

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No- it isn’t. You chose to have children. Not them. They aren’t responsible for looking after them. The odd hour popping to the shops, cover while your at work because regular plan has fallen through- fine. But expecting a 18 year old to run their siblings to parties and then sit around waiting for you for unspecified amounts of time because you’re too busy with your own social life? Nope, sorry.

Ivehearditbothways · 15/09/2024 02:28

ktab80 · 15/09/2024 02:24

No- it isn’t. You chose to have children. Not them. They aren’t responsible for looking after them. The odd hour popping to the shops, cover while your at work because regular plan has fallen through- fine. But expecting a 18 year old to run their siblings to parties and then sit around waiting for you for unspecified amounts of time because you’re too busy with your own social life? Nope, sorry.

Show quote history

That’s just called being a family. Grow up.