Grandma drama

[Doggomom91]

I need some advice here. I have a 5 month old little girl who is the light of my life. My mom and I have always been close, but she can be a little controlling/jealous/childish. E.g she always asks if my MIL has been round to visit and if she's seen more of my baby than she has that week she gets annoyed about it. She is also makes it known that I wish for the two of them to take one day child care each when I go back to work. She thinks only she should have her as my MIL already has another grandchild. That's just an example of what I'm dealing with. She also gets jealous when I make new friends at baby groups and when I meet up with them she says things like "you do have a mom you know" if I don't see her for a few days.

I recently had an argument with my parents whilst we were on holiday. My mom basically said that I said something that I didn't say (apparently I said that they ruined the holiday because their dog was misbehaving - he's reactive and holidays are stressful for him, resulting in him barking and lunging at other dogs the whole time. I also have a reactive rescue but I send her to kennels because she can't cope with holidays). I didn't say that they had ruined the holiday, but I did point out that I don't think I can come away with that dog again as it's too much, especially for my baby as she was jumping and getting upset with all the noise. My mom took offence and said that if I have a problem I can just go with my in-laws next time. She then said that I think she's not good enough because my in laws speak nicely and she doesn't (the immaturity I'm dealing with). All of this in front of my poor husband. I tried to reason with my mom and explain that she had started this argument over nothing and is ruining our holiday. My mom refused to take any responsibility for starting the argument and started giving me the silent treatment. Anyway, I said some really awful things and lost all self control. This is unlike me and I'm not sure if it's hormones etc but I've been struggling with PND. I'm not proud of this, but I said if this argument doesn't get sorted and she doesn't apologise for her part in it then she will miss out on her granddaughter growing up. I said my MIL will just have her full time, which would have really hurt her.

So the next day, I texted her saying I'm sorry for what I said and it was wrong, which I know it was. I asked again if they can acknowledge what they said was wrong and they caused drama over nothing but again they refused to accept any responsibility and insisted I started things. They accused me of using my daughter as a pawn to get at them, which I was not doing but I can see why they said it. My mom did apologise but in the usual gaslighty way (I'm sorry you were upset). We agreed to disagree in the end and I thought things were okay, then she messaged me having a go because I'd uploaded some holiday snaps to Facebook and not mentioned that her and my dad were on holiday with us. I'd literally put "great holiday with my little family" and she took offence at this. Now she's giving me the silent treatment again.

I'm exhausted. It's always like this with her whenever we argue, which is rare. I'm always the one to make the first move even if it isn't my fault. I know I said some awful things this time but I've said sorry and that I didn't mean it. I don't want a rift with my parents or for my baby to miss out on seeing them but I really don't want to keep being the one doing the running, otherwise nothing will ever change.

No advice, just a handhold. ❤️ been in a similar situation and I promise it’ll look so, so small ten years down the road. Doesn’t help now 😆 but if you focus on being the best Mom you can be to your beautiful baby, the rest settles as dust does. ❤️

This sounds exhausting. Parents are supposed to support you! You shouldn't have to parent your mother.

What does your dad say?

I'd probably skip joint holidays going forward. You will have to see how the childcare situation goes. What you have to think is the likelihood is all the manipulation and emotional blackmail she does with you she will likely do with your dc when they are older.

Has it always been this way or just since you had kids. ?

Ew.

Don't go on holiday with them.

I'd strongly advise you not to rely on either set of grandparents for childcare, but offer them the same sort of access, however often it is that this suits you.

Stop entertaining discussion about the other set of grandparents - in either direction. What you do with one set is nothing to do with the others.

Your Mom sounds very childish and you are letting her drag you into it -so just stop. Set yourself up so that you're never reliant or dependent on her, so that you can always just end the conversation/walk away from the situation.

Then any time she starts to get silly, just walk away - this doesn't have to be confrontational or rude or aggressive, no one needs to lose their shit.

So for example if she's on the phone and starts getting whiny about the other GP's seeing the kid, you say:

'Oh dear Mum I have to go now, really busy, speak soon, bye'... in a happy, but firm tone, and then hang up.

If you're with her and she starts up... 'Oh dear Mum, is that the time, I have to go now, sorry, see you again next time' and off you jolly well fuck.

Stick to it - don't get bogged down into clear details as to why you have to go or what you have to do, not her business. Just give the same, pleasant but vague 'oh dear I have to go and do something else now' response every time she starts this shit.

She won't like it, she might even kick off at first, but if you do keep it up, she will stop behaving like this with you (she won't stop behaving like this with anyone else mind... !!).

Thank you so much ❤️

My dad takes her side, but it's worth pointing out that they have a horrible relationship. My mom is constantly digging at him about something or other, and he has his head in his phone 24/7. It's tiring being around them both to be honest. My mom's always been this way, but it's so much worse since having the baby.

Dont use either set of grandparents as childcare when you go back to work. It will turn into a nightmare situation for you. Holiday separately from now on.

Take a huge step back from her.

Minimal contact and very little information. I don’t think she’s going to change, so you have to change how you interact and deal with her.

She will of course accuse you of making her mysteriously ill, and dispatch your dad to tell you off.

You have seen through her now, and that cannot be undone. 💐

I agree with others who have said don't use either set for childcare. Definitely detach a bit. As others said, if she starts complaining, get up and leave. Even if you have been in her company for a short while. Be very vague. Never tell her about plans with your in-laws.

My mother is like this is many ways, it's exhausting. I have minimal contact.

If you use her for childcare it will be a nightmare - constant rows about the dog, her not listening to anything you say, gripes about MIL.

And never ever go on holiday with her again.

You've said yourself she's only got worse since you've had the baby, it's extremely unlikely she will ever change. I'd echo others and say don't use her for childcare, she will likely ignore your requests or boundaries and want to look after your DD her own way, even if it goes completely against something you want, as a control thing. Just distance yourself from her, concentrate on having the friends you make at playgroup and more positive connections.

I disagree that you shouldn't use either set of GPs as childcare. Your MIL hasn't done anything wrong and I don't think she should be dragged into your mother's dramas. It's obvious she has some self esteem issues. All this comparing time with MIL to time spent with her must be exhausting. You've got to grey rock these enquiries and not give her so much information. It's sounds like she's trying too hard. Is her life fairly uneventful without you and your DD? Does she have friends and a full social life? Or has your DD become her world?

We had this, 10,years later we're zero contact.

The constant jealousy of my inlaws
The belittling of my inlaws efforts
The sarcastic underhanded remarks and jibes.
The list goes on and on.

I tried to ignore and ultimately it's led to them being completely cut off my my family and my sister's (for many of the same reasons)

Not sure what advice to offer really but if my experience is anything to go by it will only get worse with time.

That's exactly the sort of thing she would do if I take this approach. I've seen her relationship with my brother (who is a selfish git tbh) get really toxic at times and I'm sick of the arguments between them. I'm worried we will end up like that.

Oh gosh, I could have listed those things myself. Even to the point of when I'm going to MILs for dinner she will say "oh she's good isn't she. I'm 💩". My MIL and FIL aren't really dog people and she will slate them for not offering to pet sit on the RARE occasion we do an all-day thing without the dogs. She keeps saying how rich they are, how posh they are etc. it's so tiring honestly.

You're right, my MIL hasn't done anything wrong. Don't get me wrong I have my minor gripes with her and we aren't that close but she's a lovely person really and adores my girl. My mom doesn't work, she has 3 nightmarish dogs (mostly because she can't be arsed to train them - I also have a rescue but have put time, effort and money into training her. She still has her issues!). She has an aviary full of birds which are her entire life. If one of them is sick it's her whole life and we all have to keep asking about it otherwise she gets funny with us. She's so needy emotionally. My baby is pretty much her life now yeah.

Gosh, I'm cringing just reading it. My mum was similar so I completely understand how you feel.

I don't think what you said is unfair. She will miss out because her behaviour is not acceptable and creates an unnecessary tension. You will naturally start avoiding her and spending more time with MIL. She needs to get a grip. Quickly.

Handhold

It's so tiresome and childish too

Dealing with my parents was like dealing with a jealous child

PIL go on holiday to Paris, take the kids, DM/DF finds a way, to pick holes in it, either their flight times are ridiculous, or it's a shame they couldn't afford a decent hotel, or Paris is too dangerous.

PIL buy our kids a slide and it's too big or too unstable on the ground or will kill the grass

PIL pop round to see the kids as they're passing by (both PIL and DM/ DF live a similar distance away) they bitch about them interfering and hogging our time

The stupidity in all of this is all of the stuff they're jealous about is the stuff they were completely capable of doing themselves. The inequity in relationship they perceived wasn't because by PIL are pushy, it's because my parents are just so disengaged and complacent.

Going zero contact is the best thing we ever did.

I found this the other day on FB..... Really struck a chord

This.
Also, while you did 'react', you apologised and it also sounds like she's been pushing and pushing you for quite a while.
It does sound like your mum is emotionally immature, this is often as a result of being brought up in some sort of dysfunctional way - emotionally immature people can be as loving and kind as the next person but also react in immature and challenging ways in certain situations. Some of their behaviour may look like narcissism but they're not narcissists.

That's what worries me. Both of my parents keep telling me how to parent, and will say things like "you're making a rod for your own back" repeatedly when I do things like cuddle my baby to sleep or let her feed to sleep, or respond to her cries straight away they say leave her to cry for a few minutes. She's my baby, I'm making the most of this time with her and I want her to feel safe and secure. I do worry they will adopt this approach when they look after her but I naively thought I could change their outlook by the time I go back to work.

Thank you for understanding, you've got it 100% there. My mom was an only child and her mom was very jealous of her, they have an estranged relationship where they haven't spoken for about 8 years. I often wonder if this is one of the reasons she is the way she is.

That sounds so exhausting but so similar to the stuff my mom says too. We should start a support group lol. When I was 5 days post partum she started being off with me and it turns out she expected constant invites to come and see the baby, despite me saying before she was born "just drop me a message when you want to visit and I'll let you know if we are free". Bearing in mind we were dealing with jaundice, trips to the hospital, feeding issues and baby blues.

Thank you for that perspective. I've been feeling really guilty about what I said but actually you are right, if she carries on the way she is it's only natural that we won't be close anymore. It's been a whole day since I spoke to my parents and I feel so much more relaxed.

This doesn’t sound like a nice or safe environment for her to do childcare.