Upset at friend

[Shesnotelectric]

First time posting sorry if it’s long!
Been friends for few years and quite close. Meet up quite often (weekly/fortnightly sometimes more) usually at events as we have a mutual obsession.
About a month ago arranged to meet friend at an event (weekend just gone) arranged for breakfast together as usual all seemed fine.
About 2/3 weeks ago friend went quiet on contact. Didn’t think too much of it as not unusual and he doesn’t always confirm until day before or even on the day which is fine thats how he rolls.
Anyway I get to the event and he is there with a group of mutual friends of ours, went for breakfast with them and was having dinner with them that evening.
I am upset as we usually do this and I am normally included if other mutual friends are going along too but it was as if he totally forgot about me! He didn’t speak to me much other than hello and I haven’t heard from him at all since although he has seen DH and not said theres anything up. I know it’s childish but feel like I have been ‘ditched’
DH says I am overthinking as friend has never done anything like this before and has no reason to.
AIBU to feel upset?

No I don’t gossip I never pass on anyone else's story/problem I am known in the group as the agony Aunt they tell me anything as they know it never goes further. It never has and never will.
Your comment has made me wonder if he has said something about me though and is worried other mutuals might say something?
Would that make sense?

It might - seems like something's been done or said on one side or the other.

I'd like to add my two cents here and agree with others that there's obviously been something said to him. Behaviour seems odd and doesn't make sense otherwise, from what you've described. I'd leave him be until you can talk to him face to face and then, hopefully, go from there.

So he finally contacted me after two missed calls from me.
He admitted to getting drunk a few weeks back and telling a mutual friend that he has feelings that he shouldn’t about me. He is now worried mutual friend may blab to the whole group about it and obviously we are both married.
How the hell am I supposed to handle this?!
It’s not a case of simply cutting him off as will still have to be in close contact as he is the manager of a club one of my children attend and I am involved in the catering department. I don’t feel it would be fair to pull my child out and the nearest other club is 2 hours away!

The very very first thing you do is tell your husband and then you distance yourself. And maybe examine your feelings for him. Why were you so upset about being cut off?

speak to your husband and then distance. If you don’t tell your husband it will look bad when and if he finds out from someone else.

For the 3 weeks in the run up
to event neither of you msgd one another and yet you're surprised he was distant. Why did you not send a txt saying see you at 'event' a few days before?
I'd find that odd to arrange soemthing then no contact for weeks.

I am upset because he is a close friend and someone myself and DH are in contact with almost everyday! Should I feel less upset because he is male? I don’t understand I would be just as upset if he was a girl!

It’s sad and upsetting and no you shouldn’t be less upset due to his gender. The dynamic has changed and now you need to talk to your husband and work out how to navigate the situation going forward. Hopefully your friends feelings is just a phase and reflective of what’s missing in his life or as opposed to having completely fallen for you and he’s preparing to blow his world apart.

I think you have misunderstood a little.
It wasn’t about confirming whether we were meeting at the event as we would have both been there anyway it was about that we message a fair bit (usually at least every couple of days sometimes more often) then contact just suddenly stopped about 2/3 before as well as his behaviour toward me at the event.

Did you contact him and he ignored you in run up? or did neither of you bother with txt/msg?

The very very first thing you do is tell your husband

Why and what should the op tell her dh? It doesn’t sound like the feelings are mutual. Obviously it would be more complicated if they were. The op hasn’t done anything wrong, neither has the friend, other than have feelings for her, which he has not acted upon, and he is obviously trying to distance himself. Stop the frequent messaging, op. There’s no need to completely avoid each other, just take a step back.

Neither. It isnt about the event. Its about being friends for a few years and the level of contact we have to it just suddenly stopping 2/3 weeks before and him being weird on the day. In all this time DH has been in contact and seen him he saw DH a couple of days before and said tell shesnotelectric I will see her on Sunday. What I didnt get is why he was fine with DH didnt metion an issue and still happy to meet at event with me whilst ignoring me 2/3 weeks prior as well as on the day. Obviously I now know.

I didn’t say she did anything wrong but if the feelings aren’t mutual why wouldn’t she share this in a loving committed relationship? There is no need to keep in a sceert. The husband will notice it they suddenly stop speaking and start avoiding each other.bits about showing respect for her marriage.

Im not sure what telling my DH would achieve? other than my friend possibly getting a knock on the nose, potentially destroying his marriage and friendships plus having to take my children away from something they love in which they have dear friends too all for something he cant help and I wished he hadn’t told me!
Its tricky to cut contact as we have to do a weekly shop together and will have to be at the club together fortnightly although I will only message or call about club stuff from this point onwards.
Probably irrational but I am now starting to feel annoyed about this whole situation 😭

Your husband would punch him in the face just because he told someone he fancies you??

I can see why you don't want to tell him.

However, if he wasn't a violent man I'd say the best thing to do would be to tell him, because if any Chinese whispers start you'll both be on the same page.

I would not say anything to anyone and let it blow over. Your friend is a bit silly tbh.

Honestly that is just a wild guess 🤣
DH isnt violent or jealous at all but also has never had a very close friend fall for his wife.

He said he was in love with me, knew there was no way he could act upon it but was driving him mad so ended up blabbing it out to someone, immediately realised it was a mistake and was gauging if I knew anything.
Would it do any harm to play it down and just said that he said he found me attractive?

I'm a bit torn on this one. The sensible choice is probably to ignore it. Forget your friend said anything, carry on as normal, and wait for it to blow over.

However, it might look a bit dodgy if your husband finds out later that you knew and said nothing. If I found out that a close friend told my DH she fancied him and he kept it to himself, I'd probably question his motivation.

Your friend was selfish to have told you. Either he is totally thoughtless/clueless, or else he is "shooting his shot" in the hope you'll reciprocate. Shite behaviour, regardless.

How do you know all this?

You said a few posts back he had feelings for you, not that he's actually in love with you?

All sounds far too weird now.

Just blank him and let your DH take the kids in future.

Another phone call in which I told him to bugger off let me process things and decide what to do (cut him off or not)
I cant stay away forever I have responsibilities there until they find someone else although I am planning on feeling unwell this week at least 🤣

YANBU.

But it sounds like this friend has a reputation for being flaky at the best of times. It sounds like it could be an entirely honest mistake and he just forgot about you...? Obviously, that's not nice in itself - and might be a much-needed friendship reset and an assertion of boundaries on your part - but I wouldn't automatically jump to "deliberate act to hurt you."

Ahh I see, you forgot to mention the other phone call where he told you he's fallen in love with you, in your update 😳

He sounds as wet as a bag of mince and quite creepy to be honest.

He manages a kids club, someone needs to tell him he can't just go around telling the kid's mothers he's in love with them.

He's fallen in love with you despite never spending time alone with you? Yet the meet up that's just kicked all this off was going to be just the 2 of you?

It has taken a confusing turn.

I keep reading it but it makes no sense really.

No I was going to the event with my 2 DS (one adult one child) and was meeting him on the way along with another mutual friend for breakfast. The 5 of us (him,MF, me and 2 DS) We were then going to join with 8 other mutual friends at the event. DH was going to join once he had finished work.
We have seen each other weekly sometimes more in the few years we have been friends I am never alone with him as always have had a least one of my children with me.

Edited to add that I was told by MF breakfast was off so went later to find out they had all had breakfast together still and he barely spoke to me all day along with sudden NC for about 3 weeks before. The event wasn’t exclusively for the two of us it was a group meet.