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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DS asked to be a pageboy but not included in reception meal

97 replies

beakysmum · 20/04/2008 03:04

What do others think.....?

My DS (3yr 3m) has been asked to be one of two pageboys at a good friend's wedding, which I'm really happy about. However, she wants the reception and meal to be adult only.

Feel a bit bemused by this; on the one hand I understand she wants a child free event, on the other, it feels as if DS is just being used to be dressed up and photographed, but not treated like a person. Also makes for an ineresting logistical problem for me to get someone to pick him up if I want to stay on to the reception.

OP posts:

TheApprentice · 20/04/2008 08:30

sorry, not a pleb either was what I meant!

BubbaAndBump · 20/04/2008 08:30

Just a thought - is it too late to do a "sorry, must be a typo in your invite - it says here you don't want my DS to be at the reception??!!" kind of balking conversation with her? SHAME her into having him, DON'T feel bad about it, give your DS some chocolate just before he sets off after her in her wedding dress then get hideously drunk and enjoy

MrsTittleMouse · 20/04/2008 08:35

We didn't have children at our wedding for two reasons - space, and the fact that we knew a couple of nightmare children with indulgent parents who let them run around pushing over flowers etc. and thinking it was "cute". We'd had a couple of bereavements before the wedding and so it was very emotional, and I needed everything to be very calm and quiet in order to keep myself together. I am not a pleb.

BUT I think that YANBU. If you don't want children at the wedding, you don't want children at the wedding. You can't expect children to appear as gorgeous little mannequins and then conveniently disappear, what on Earth was she thinking?!?!?

Freckle · 20/04/2008 08:38

Surely the whole point about young bridesmaids and pageboys is that they run around afterwards at the meal, diving under tables and shrieking with delight???

It's always possible that she thinks she's giving beakysmum a child-free event to attend and that bm will be eternally grateful that she was able to enjoy the wonderful meal without having to worry about what her ds was up to. Possible.....

amidaiwish · 20/04/2008 08:46

are you SURE your ds is not invited? have you just read that on the invite? It maybe that she doesn't mean for the page-boys to leave... surely not... if she is then tell her you can't arrange for him to be "collected", he is either there or he is not.

cheeky cow.

i do understand child-free weddings by the way. I have been to a few weddings which were not child free and it was basically 30 kids running around laughing, screeching, dancing. cute maybe? hmmmm... also it means any guest with children leaves about 9 as the children have run out of steam and need to go to bed, hardly the big reception party you've dreamed of and paid big bucks for! But the wedding party children and immediate family children, OF COURSE they are included!!!!

clam · 20/04/2008 08:48

I think that, under normal circumstances, it's fair enough for the bride and groom to choose whether or not they want kids at their wedding. But this is OUTRAGEOUS. What is she THINKING? Or maybe that's just it, she's not thinking. And I'd love to know how she phrased the invitatin/snub. Any reasons/excuses given?

FluffyMummy123 · 20/04/2008 08:51

Message withdrawn

NewMe · 20/04/2008 08:53

Get yerself outta bed, Beakysmum! We want to know EXACTLY what was said to you... or whether you just had a general invite and have decided it applies to you (in which case you need to talk to her!) Come on...

AbbeyA · 20/04/2008 08:56

Has she said what you are supposed to do with him after the photos-or are you supposed to miss the reception as well? It sounds as if you are supposed to wave a magic wand and he disappears after he has been useful!
I can understand people having a child free wedding, although I think they are missing the point of a wedding,however this is completely unreasonable-either they have him or they don't.
I should tell her that she has to make up her mind but if he is a pageboy then he is there for the meal.

BouncingTurtle · 20/04/2008 09:00

Beaksymum - hope you told the Bridezilla to feck off, your ds isn't an accessory.

It's not plebian to have child free weddings, but if you have children in the wedding party as bridesmaids/page boys then it is very rude and inconsiderate not to allow them to take part in the rest of the day!

ALMummy · 20/04/2008 09:24

Tell her to p*ss off. I wouldnt allow my child to be used, yes used for that purpose.

What are you supposed to do with him anyway - put him back in his box?

MaryAnnSingleton · 20/04/2008 09:26

unbelievable ! am not wildly keen on children/babies attending the actual ceremony, unless they're being attendants of course, but wouldn't ban them from reception at all..and certainly not if they are being 'used' as a decorative accessory - if they're not acceptable tp have at dinner then they can't have them for the show-offy bit.

GrapefruitMoon · 20/04/2008 09:27

I normally feel people are within their rights to have a child-free wedding if they want (amongst my circle of friends/relatives children would normally only go to a wedding if they were close family) but this bride is being totally unreasonable.

Tbh I would understand if she didn't want him at the ceremony but did want him at the reception... I was more than happy to leave ds1 with PILs for the church service for dsis's wedding - they then brought him along to the reception venue (where most of the photos were taken) and stayed for the meal, etc and then whisked him and his sister off home at a reasonable time while we stayed on...

SmugColditz · 20/04/2008 09:28

No. Tell her to hire a dolly if that's what she wants. Three year olds have feelings.

dizzydixies · 20/04/2008 09:36

we had a balloon bride and groom at our wedding as a joke - I could phone the shop and see if they do balloon page boys/flower girls and that way she could just pop them all when the deed was done?!

snorkle · 20/04/2008 10:18

It does sound a bit unreasonable to me... BUT, would your ds really enjoy a formal sit down meal when he was the only little one there? I suspect not, so if it's not too difficult to arrange and he wants to do the ceremony bit then I'd try and be accomodating. If he's not that bothered about the ceremony (lots of children that age find it very tedious but others enjoy the dressing up & such like) then I'd feel he was being used and make some excuse and leave him out entirely.

spicemonster · 20/04/2008 10:28

What a cheek! I understand that some people want their weddings to be child-free but then that should be all of it, not that they can appear in photos. Tell her he can't do it

Original poster

beakysmum · 20/04/2008 10:29

Hi all, thank you SO much..... you have really cheered me up and made me laugh out loud!

Of course I feel she is being unreasonable, but I wondered if I was being pfb as well. Thanks for reassuring me I'm not

I think the main problem is that the bride just is not thinking. She only got engaged in Feb and the wedding is in July, so she's trying to do to too much too quickly.

To be fair, I need to speak to her to sort all this out, as I have only heard from the other pageboys Mum that children are not included in the reception. She was not at all happy about it either.

Incidentally (and I REALLY don't think his has anything to do with OP question) this is turning into to the wedding from hell for me, as the date is our 5th wedding anniversary and DH and I were planning to go away for the weekend to celebrate, but all that has been cancelled and she's never said thanks for that either. In fact that's why there are 2 pageboys, cos when she got my email saying "eeek, that date? We were going to go away..." she did not speak to me but assumed I was not coming and asked the second pageboy. By the time I spoke to her about 5 days later to assure her I had got DH to agree to give up our weekend and we were coming, second boy had been asked and bought his outfit, so now it's massively awkward between us two Mums.

Aaaaagh!

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 20/04/2008 10:35

What a nightmare!
I think this is the first children at weddings thread where everyone has agreed!
ANy chance you and your photogenic DS could go to the ceremony, and then leave and you and DH go on your weekend away as planned? Then when she asks where you were, act mystified and explain that you assumed you weren't invited to the reception - what did she think you'd do with DS?
OK, not really but maybe worth a thought

ComeOVeneer · 20/04/2008 10:39

If she has already asked the other boy, why don't you suggest your ds isn't a page boy. I assume that you were planning a weekend away that weekend and someone was looking after ds for you. COuld you not attend the wedding minus ds then have the rest of the weekend to yourself (with dh obvilously) in a nice hotel etc to celebrate your wedding anniversary?

Farb · 20/04/2008 10:41

My sister wanted (and had) dd1 as her bridesmaid, but the evening do was adults only (she had a very late afternoon wedding).

Suited me fine. Lovely service with dd1 included. Lovely grown ups evening do where I could drink and dance and talk to people.

We just dropped the DC at my parents home post service with a baby sitter.

Fullmoonfiend · 20/04/2008 10:43

Oh deffo don't go, what a cheeky woman!

I f you do gom, suggest to her that you've spoken to your son's agent and he is not allowed to attend without a fee...

FrannyandZooey · 20/04/2008 10:44

we-ell
if you cancelled your weekend away so that your ds could be a page boy, I presume you do quite want him to be one
so it isn't just the bride who is getting something from this

I also presume she has no children
I think I would roll eyes etc, think 'get a dolly', all the things mentioned here, but in the end if you want him to do this, I would just get over it and go along with what she wants
or not bother and go on holiday instead
an invitation is just that - you don't HAVE to do what she says

LaComtesse · 20/04/2008 10:44

I'd make a big point of leaving, gathering all your traps/husband etc before the photographs. That'll teach her. She sounds a bit tetchy if she installed a new pageboy whilst you were sorting out a prior arrangement with your DH. Bridzella!!!!!!

LittleBella · 20/04/2008 10:51

Agree with Cod, this is truly a quality wedding thread.

Glorious bridezilla-ing going on. Really honed.

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