Birthday present

[Mumof3dogs]

Just sense checking if I am being ungrateful or ?

So Wednesday it was my birthday and a big one too ( 60) which in the summer I thought heck why not and planned a party to celebrate!
It's at home with bbq and drinks so obviously will cost but not a hugely expensive affair .

My DH who has form for being useless at gift giving is working away mon to Fri so wasn't with me for the day.
He did send some Roses a card and chocolates - nice gesture as not here ..
Come home last night and it seems in his mind he's done - I got you the flowers you liked them didn't you ?
I was hoping for an actual gift that he had put some thought into for my birthday .
AIBU?
a party is expensive be happy with that
Or
He should have made an effort and bought a nice gift for your 60th birthday?

I'm kinda wondering what to say now if someone asks at the party - so what did DH get you ??

Then you say chocolates and roses!

@MissEsmeWatson
The chocolates were the smallest box I have ever seen - contained 3 Lindt balls !
Very disappointing!

It’s a milestone, he should get you something for sure.
even if it’s a “I’m taking you away for the weekend” if not a physical gift.
but it does depend on what you’re both like when it comes to bdays and gift giving.

@Twinkletwinklelil
I'm good and put lots of thought and planning into gift giving and birthdays .
He puts in minimal effort - perfume , jewelry and sometimes awful cuddly toys ( think teddys with hearts )
After 31 years of marriage one would hope he would know me enough to buy something that he knows I would like rather than an archetypal man to woman gift .
Sad to say this is another nail in the marriage coffin ..

I must admit, I was imagining a massive box of posh chocolates!

@Mumof3dogs my dh is pretty rubbish at gifting, I just have to tell him
so each year for Xmas or bdays we literally write a list of what we want/need. I know it takes away the elements of surprise but if gifting is your love language you neeed to have that convo and almost spoon feed him how to do this.
dh will still buy me something crappy and I’ve just gotten over it because I always ensure something like a getaway is planned too :)

Oh dear! I'm SO sorry OP, I don't think you're being ungrateful at all. He's known for a whole 12 months that it was your 60th this year, and clearly put absolutely no effort or thought into making you feel special at all. I note that you say 'Sad to say this is another nail in the marriage coffin ..', are you building up to leaving him? What is it about these bloody awful selfish men, that they think some pathetic little gift that you can pick up anywhere is enough for ANY birthday, let alone a special one? Talk about taking you for granted. If you were serious in what you said about another nail in the coffin, then I'd be bloody sure to take him to the cleaners so that you can afford to get on and make the most of a life of freedom while you're still young enough to enjoy yourself. Once again, I'm really sorry he's spoilt things for you, you deserve better.

Ask for what you would really like. Some people have no imagination
Apple 2023 Mac mini desktop computer M2 chip with 8‑core CPU and 10‑core GPU, 8GB Unified Memory, 256GB SSD storage, Gigabit Ethernet. Works with iPhone/iPad : Amazon.co.uk: Computers & Accessories
Or anything you really want
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Assuming you have a joint account, I would buy myself something nice.

I wouldn't be overly mad that he's a rubbish present buyer but I'd definitely treat myself.

He’s made a gesture and I know it isn’t what you wanted but he has made a level of effort.

I think men in general aren’t that fussed about other people’s birthday and don’t see it would be nice to make some effort.

the person I was last in a relationship with didn’t even bother to say happy birthday despite me waking up at their house with them on the day … so I would take roses and chocolates any day!

YABU because you've been married to him for this long and know he's unless. Why would this birthday be any different. Treat yourself to something nice.

I think that’s pretty useless OP. It’s not entitled of you to expect your DH to make a fuss of you on a milestone birthday. It’s not the lack of expense it’s how impersonal it is. Flowers and chocolates on their own are an office leaving gift - not a wife’s 60th birthday present!

If everything else is fine I’d simply let him know I was disappointed. However it doesn’t sound like this is the case and perhaps this is your ‘last straw’ moment.

No I don’t think it’s entitled but also not sure what you expected? If you know this is the norm for him to be a bit rubbish, then why did you think he’d suddenly make a grand gesture? That’s clearly not what he thinks like so whilst you aren’t being unreasonable at all to want a nice present, you are being unreasonable to have expected out of nowhere for him to break the pattern.

Send him a link with some suggestions. It’s not an excuse for him but I don’t really understand on her why women don’t just tell their partners what they want; my DH is lovely in lots of ways but panics with gift giving and I’d rather send him something I want as I know his ability to pick me a present isn’t representative of his feelings for me

I haven’t had a surprise present for years. I send him a link for my birthday and Christmas. Sorry @Mumof3dogs but he’s not going to change after 30 years.

Thanks for all the replies - it does help .
I realize that
a) he's not going to change
b) that I should give him a list of ideas

But as I hinted at all is not well in the marriage which he is fully aware of ( though maybe not as much as he should be )
I was stupidly using this as a bit of a test to see what level of effort he would make. I realize it is my error for not talking to him but that's one of the problems in the marriage - It's so hard to talk to him without him twisting my words and making everything my fault - so I just don't bother anymore.
He is currently working away 5 days a week so me the flowers were a - sorry I can't be with you on your birthday gesture rather than an actual present.
Oh well I'll just look forward to the party and seeing friends and family.
And start getting those ducks out ..

After 31 years of marriage and 31 years of him being crap, I'm not sure why you expected a transformation on this one occasion I'm afraid. Leopards, spots, etc etc.

I'm sorry. It does my swede in how much of a free pass men are given for being thoughtless and self centred in relationships. How many times have I read "oh men are just bad at gift giving, I give mine a list!" Or "this is what Amazon wish lists are made for!" and seen people nodding along sagely as if it's not utter bollocks that a grown man needs a list to know what his supposed life partner and most cherished human might like to receive on a special occasion. Fair enough in the first few years of a relationship when you're learning about one another, but after decades? Nah. I don't think it's ungrateful or entitled to expect a more thoughtful gesture than something a stranger might give you.

A friend of mine's final straw with her husband was a Bayliss and Harding gift set for her 50th. He still incredulously tells people that she divorced him over shower gel, clueless berk.

Happy Birthday OP, I hope your party is a great success and you have a lovely time! If you do decide to treat yourself to the gift of singledom for your 60th, wishing you all the very best 💐

@MonsteraMama
Thank you!
Wonderfully put and echoing what is going through my mind ..

Sorry OP, when I responded to your post I thought your party had already taken place, so didn't comment about it, but as it hasn't I really hope you have a WONDERFUL time, with people who DO care about what makes you happy.

So, ignore the 💩
🐝 happy and enjoy the BBQ,
pack your👜👜👜
and then 💋your old life goodbye,

YOU DESERVE BETTER!

if it's not utter bollocks that a grown man needs a list to know what his supposed life partner and most cherished human might like to receive on a special occasion.

But it isn’t bollocks, it’s not coincidence that so many of us use the link/list method. It’s such a waste of money to be bought something you don’t want or is similar to but not exactly what you want. I got exactly what I wanted for my birthday and it was the work of seconds to text him a link - I got flowers, chocolates and a posh dinner as well.

My parents were married for c60 years before my Dad died. I'm not sure how it happened but for roughly the previous decade, I ended up coming up with present ideas for them for each other for each birthday and Xmas - and then buying and wrapping the gifts! I even organised their 50th wedding anniversary trip.

So even, after that long, neither of them seemed to have any idea what the other one liked without intervention. I suspect it was something to do with the fact that over the whole year if one liked something, the other would happily buy it for them at the time (obviously within reason!).

I mean, if he has no clue what to get you or do he could have solved it by asking What would you like to do for your birthday?
And then acted on it.

My dh is good at these things, but for my big birthday he asked what I would like to do and I said go away for the weekend and stay at a nice hotel. He organised three days staying in a suite at a stunning hotel with such a great vibe. He had booked dinners and outings. All surprises, but the point was that I did not have to make a single decision. It was great.

Happy birthday, focus on your bbq and the guests and make sure to have a great time! Refuse to do any washing up or anything but having fun.

I think it's not really fair to use this as a secret test of his gift giving and if you know he's not great at it, surely better to just give him a list or ideas about what you actually want. I find gift giving pretty stressful and would much rather people give me an idea of something they'd like. If there are problems in the marriage, you need to address those separately. I think sending a card, flowers and chocolates shows he was thinking of you even if it lacks imagination!

My husband is a fantastic gift buyer - so much thought goes into it.

For your 60th he should've planned better - it's not like it was sprung on him!

Flowers and chocolates are a lazy, no thought gift.

I will add though my ex-husband bought me a McDonald's for my 40th - I was truly devastated.

My ex-husband got me a McDonald's f my 40th - I was devastated.

Like your friend, it was one of waking moments and we divorced 2 years later (I'm very happily re-married now to the most loving, caring, thoughtful man I could wish for) - the final straw incidentally was him calling me a disgusting cripple (I have scoliosis) - it was like a switch going off, I knew then I was done.