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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off at DH’s comments every time I get angry/upset

39 replies

Hardknocks · 12/09/2024 22:18

I had postnatal depression and have been taking antidepressants for 2 years. I have tried to wean off a few times but the rage etc came back tenfold so I have been back on them for 6 months now and all going well.

However, every time I get annoyed at DH for something and make a flippant remark or something that isn’t wholly positive he says ‘have you stopped taking your antidepressants again’. As if I’m supposed to now be this emotionless robot/permanently happy person and can’t feel anger or annoyance. It gives me the bloody ick but I’m not sure if im being unreasonable.

To be clear - I’m not throwing fits/shouting, just general annoyance. My reply is yes I am, but I can still feel irritated!

OP posts:
EnterFunnyNameHere · 12/09/2024 22:20

I'm not surprised you're pissed off about this, it's basically him dismissing anything you get annoyed about isn't it, so you effectively don't have a voice anymore.

Smokealarmtwister · 12/09/2024 22:22

That's abusive of him. Would you need to take these without him, I wonder.

Original poster
Hardknocks · 12/09/2024 22:24

Yes @Smokealarmtwister sometimes I think it feels abusive too.

OP posts:
Whatisyourfavouriteflower · 12/09/2024 23:05

He is diminishing you as a person: trying to deny you the right to a normal human emotion.
Actually if someone said this to me it would have the effect of stoking whatever annoyance I had been feeling into real anger and that would have a knock on effect of making me start to doubt whether I had control of my emotions.

TealPoet · 12/09/2024 23:55

Urgh, I HATE people doing this, and sadly it’s not rare or confined to medication issues. I remember having a massive row with my mum when I had been really angry about something important and she kept telling people, oh it’s ok she’s just not well. No I wasn’t well, but it had NO impact on my anger. Anyway, that’s the long way of me saying no you’re not unreasonable, and big hugs!

Synchronisedwitches · 12/09/2024 23:58

That's disgusting of him. He just wants to make you doubt yourself so he can get out of having to think about whatever is upsetting you. Just a way to shut down any criticism for an easy life for him.
Horrible betrayal of you there. I'd be furious.

Lizzie67384 · 13/09/2024 00:00

That’s happened to me before - my ex partner used to ask me if I’d forgotten to take a pill - if I was upset or angry about something. It’s so belittling, patronising and downright rude - it also makes you question your behaviour and isn’t healthy

Theunamedcat · 13/09/2024 00:02

Strange I found as soon as I split from my ex my post natal depression went with him

He was like this too

Icanflyhigh · 13/09/2024 00:04

Smokealarmtwister · 12/09/2024 22:22

That's abusive of him. Would you need to take these without him, I wonder.

This hits the nail on the head.
ExDH pushed and pushed for me to get on meds for depression. Turns out, all I needed to so was get rid of him. 10 years and counting - no depression!

SpideyVerse · 13/09/2024 00:24

How Dare He.
Your DH is weaponising a medical matter to diminish you.

If he is calculating and aware of his actions he's an absolute abusive b.
If on the other hand, this petty person does not grasp the magnitude of his behaviour, he needs to be enlightened and become self-aware... and most importantly cease this toxic tendency

Sparklfairy · 13/09/2024 00:32

If you weren't on antidepressants he'd find some other way to dismiss you. "Time of the month, is it" etc.

Mine was PMT, which moved to "seems like you need to up the dose of your happy pills", until finally I had a concussion from a car accident. Long after i recovered, every single display of any emotion, even happiness, I was suddenly accused of acting "strangely", "embarrassing him" and him cocking his head on one side and squinting at me with a confused face. Wrecked my self esteem.

Clementine22 · 13/09/2024 00:36

It’s a dismissive male response similar to is it your time of the month.

Immature and not constructive.
Call him out on it and ask if he’s been checked for low testosterone for his grumpy man syndrome.

I honestly don’t get the mindset of blokes, their conflict resolution skills are worse than a 5 year olds most of the time. And agree with the Urgh!!! response … it puts me right off too 🤢

BobbyBiscuits · 13/09/2024 00:55

He's weaponising your illness against you. Acting ableist and dismissive. And lacking understanding about the type of medicine you're taking. This is out of order.
It sounds like when he says that you should just remain silent and not engage in that line of convo. He's acting disrespectfully.
Is your relationship decent in other ways?
It shows an innate lack of understanding about mental illness which is a big red flag in my eyes.

sarahzbaker · 13/09/2024 01:08

Ta mate. Did you ever have a life changing experience and have some body mock you. Well did you?? Thanks for your support

Ohwelljusttoday · 13/09/2024 01:13

Classic gaslighting and minimising himself as any player in the scenario ☹️

Inspireme2 · 13/09/2024 01:30

Tell him to learn about it more.
Depressants wont make you automatically happy constantly.
If you have returned to take them it takes awhile to building up.
Being angry is normal.
Advise him to Go educated himself.
Show some compassion.
Stupid men!

leighks123 · 13/09/2024 01:58

I used to get "someone's forgotten to take their happy pills" honestly makes me mad that they belittle in that situation.

Edingril · 13/09/2024 02:24

But are you being fair acting to way you are? If he was behaving the way you are would that be OK?

I would not put up with my husband acting that way towards me so wouldn't do it to him

badgerpatrol · 13/09/2024 02:34

I imagine he thinks of you as a prop for his life. Therefore it's irritating/unacceptable that you have a normal range of emotions because he is not interested in how you are experiencing life, you're just there to help facilitate him in his life.

I think it's fairly common, but there are loads and loads of relationships that aren't like this. It's up to you to decide what kind of relationship you would like and then if he doesn't want that maybe it's worth finding someone who might share those values.

Does he get excessively annoyed when the kids have emotions? Or is he curious and talks to them about how they are feeling and really want to know? If not I guess he views them the same way.

RainintheDesert · 13/09/2024 05:35

I think @Icanflyhigh has the right idea.

My ex was like that.

He was the one with the problems though. As soon as we separated I felt a lot better!

Wantitalltogoaway · 13/09/2024 06:24

Theunamedcat · 13/09/2024 00:02

Strange I found as soon as I split from my ex my post natal depression went with him

He was like this too

Me too. I never needed anti depressants again.

i would be reconsidering this marriage OP, unless you want this to always be your identity.

As an aside, how old are you?

CharliesAngels81 · 13/09/2024 06:28

If you are on the tablets how do you know it's not that issue though?

alpacachino · 13/09/2024 06:30

CharliesAngels81 · 13/09/2024 06:28

If you are on the tablets how do you know it's not that issue though?

Because she's lived with her condition long enough to understand the difference between normal everyday being annoyed and ppd

alpacachino · 13/09/2024 06:31

Edingril · 13/09/2024 02:24

But are you being fair acting to way you are? If he was behaving the way you are would that be OK?

I would not put up with my husband acting that way towards me so wouldn't do it to him

However, every time I get annoyed at DH for something and make a flippant remark or something that isn’t wholly positive

This is how she's behaving. There's nothing wrong with saying something that isn't wholly positive.

Original poster
Hardknocks · 13/09/2024 07:08

Thank you so much everyone. To answer a few comments, I’m 31. The rage I had off the AD’s was absolutely unacceptable, which is why I started taking them. I don’t feel that anymore, what I’m referring to is something that could be viewed as negative towards DH. For example leaving mess behind him and expecting me to pick it up - if I make a comment, that’s when he rolls it out.

We’ve been together 10 years, and I met him at a time I was recovering from a break up with someone who was truly awful. DH seemed so lovely, and in many ways he is but there has always been a little niggling feeling in the back of my head that something isn’t quite right. The gaslighting maybe. Everyone else in my life thinks he’s wonderful. I definitely question it sometimes but it’s SO subtle that I feel like I’m going crazy.

OP posts: