Can you ever call an abused woman a ' bad mum ' ?

[chasemee]

My father has been pretty abusive to my mum all my life. I never saw a healthy relationship there at all.

He called her names, sometimes slapped her around. He has serious anger issues. He provided for us financially but his behaviour was always pretty mean on the whole.

My mum should have left him, of course she should. But it's not as simple as that. She tried to leave, but she had no resources and her own family also turned their backs on her.

She did what she could to placate my father and live the best life with us that she could, considering the situation she was in.

Her father was also extremely abusive towards her mother and her siblings.

She was stuck.

Anyway, other members of the family are now saying that she's a shitty mum for not protecting her kids from an abusive situation.

It's really wound me up. It's easy to say that you would leave an abusive man, but without being in that situation - you can't know what you'd actually do.

My dad didn't abuse me and my siblings physically or anything like that.

I think I’d approach this question differently and ask if she was able to be a good-enough mother to you.

You can both be a victim, and be unable to be a good-enough mother.

And, hard as it may be to acknowledge, she did make choices here.

I don't think it's helpful to approach this as good v bad. Just thinking in those terms is simplistic when a situation is so complex. Would your mum have been a better mum if she'd been able to leave? Yes. Did the fact that she didn't automatically mean she was a bad mum? No. Are your feelings valid? Yes. Are the feelings of those criticising your mum valid? Also yes.

Your mum's a person - there are wonderful things about her, but she has faults too and has made mistakes.

Your last paragraph is a bit off though - if he was an abuser who made your lives miserable, the fact that it wasn't physical doesn't make much difference.

Can you ever call an abused woman a ' bad mum ' ?

Of course you can, if she is indeed a bad mum.

I managed to leave an abusive relationship with my child but I have a lot of sympathy for your mum.

Her self-esteem may have been worn down to the point where she felt she couldn't cope alone.
She may have been frightened your father would be even more violent if she left him.
She may have been afraid your father would have taken you and your siblings away from her (this is the worst).
She might have blamed herself for his violence.
She might have had no one to help her.

I wouldn't call her a bad mum as no one knows what another person may be suffering .

Your title question is a bit misleading. I often meet women through my work who would rather their children are taken off them than keep them if it means leaving an abusive man. Often not even the children's father. I personally consider them bad mothers (though I keep those thoughts to myself).

Your mum was in different circumstances and I wouldn't hardly call her a "bad mum".

I would.

She put her own feelings, fears and insecurities above her children's happiness.

Exactly this.

I think there's a few things to unpack there op. Firstly, watching your parent be abused even if that abuse is never directed at the child, is abusive in itself. Its emotional abuse and can leave children with long term mental health struggles. So saying you were never hit is kind of unfair to yourself given that you still went through a very significant trauma. I think that deserves to be recognised. It's also something a lot of women find incredibly painful to come to terms with because they usually want the best for their child. She may not have been in a place where she could have mentally accepted the impact this was having on her children.

Secondly, "she's a shitty mum for not protecting her kids from an abusive situation" is a wick statement for them to make because it firstly suggests that she had any control over the situation at all, that she had the means to leave, that it would have been safe for her to leave, and it supports the idea that women are in some way responsible for the impact of an abusers actions. My question would be what support did she not get to help her to leave that she should have got.

Thirdly, you're absolutely right op. Many people are quick to suggest leaving when actually that's much harder to do in reality.

It sounds like your mum did the best she could in a dire situation. She made the calls that she felt were the lesser evil when she was between a rock and a hard place. That doesn't make her a shitty mother. It makes her a mother who was faced with shitty choices. People may say that she would have been a better mum if she left, but when women attempt to leave abusive relationships is when they are most likely to be killed. So that's not something you can really know for sure.

I'm sorry your relatives were so tactless op. It shows a lack of understanding of the complexities of dv on their part.

her own family also turned their backs on her the same family who are now judging her?

I think when someone wishes to label someone a "bad mum" or anything really they need to understand for themselves why they need the label. What will it achieve.

I think when someone wishes to label someone a "bad mum" or anything really they need to understand for themselves why they need the label. What will it achieve.

Also just to say, I've also worked with women who have let their children go into care because they felt their children would be safer in care than with them knowing their abuser would never stop trying to abuse her. And I've worked with women who's children were taken and harmed as revenge for her leaving an abuser. You may consider them bad mothers in your own mind but they are the experts in their lives. What might look like a bad choice to you may actually be them making a safe choice.

I don’t think it’s that simple; it takes a lot of strength to leave and these men try to make sure that women don’t have the strength from their actions. However as an adult you have choices even if those are difficult and not very attractive choices but children don’t so mum’s also do need to be held accountable for the living situation they bring their children up in

The most dangerous time for a woman is when she tries to leave an abusive partner. Who knows what he threatened her with behind closed doors? Maybe she felt that she was doing her best to keep you all safe, given that she had no outside support from her family.

We can only do our best, and it sounds like she was a victim too. It's just a sad situation all around. My question would be directed to the judgemental family members, where were they when you all needed them. Why did they not help?

While I understand that she was abused, her responsibility as a parent was to her child. It's considered abuse for a child to grow up witnessing abuse.

Women stay in abusive relationships for many different reasons, it's not always because they can't leave. I'm sorry you experienced that OP.

Watching the documentary last night about the father being abused really brought it home to me the confusion and conflicting emotions the victim feels.
So, no, I wouldn't say your mum was a bad mum, she just couldn't see a way out, did not have a way out, perhaps didn't know how to find a way out. Just trapped, confused, isolated, dependent, scared and vulnerable.

It sounds like she was doing the best she could. I think it's easy for people to sit on the outside and say they'd do something differently, but they didn't live her situation and if she didn't have any family support then it sounds like she felt very trapped, and like she might have felt that she (and you) would have been even worse off by leaving. I'm sorry that you and she had to go through that though.

When posters are asking if they should stay, in abusive situations, I always make the point of telling them that they won't be the Mum they'd want to be because the focus isn't on the needs of the child. Women are never the only victims, the children are, even if they don't see anything. It wasn't as easy to leave in the past. There were lots of factors why women didn't have the choice to leave. That alone didn't make them bad mums.

She was a bad mum. There's no getting away from that. However, there was a reason for that, which one can empathise with.
But sadly, it doesn't matter how much her own experience explains her actions (or inaction), she still wasn't a good mum. She was unable to be.

Reading this thread is interesting

Without judgement, the op seems to be in somewhat bad faith (perhaps slightly goady), whilst the responses are measured and sympathetic/empathic

So I'm going to ignore the personal experience of the op, and answer the question...

To me, a good parent is one who puts their DC first and foremost in all their decision-making.
It doesn't mean they make the right decisions, but it means they try.
And - to me - a bad parent puts their desires above those of their dc

That's it in a nutshell for me

She tried to leave, but she had no resources and her own family also turned their backs on her.

When was this?

Women's shelters and benefits gave been going for quite a while.

Not what anyone wants but ...

I agree.

My mum felt that if she left my dad, she wouldn't be able to protect us from him. She felt she wouldn't be able to make sure we were well and looked after whilst in his care. She couldn't bear that, so endured a decade and a half of pure misery to do what she thought was best for her children.

There were probably different decisions to be made that would have had happier outcomes. But she was who she was and she was shaped by the life she'd experienced, and the experiences of loved ones.

I would be furious if someone called her a bad mum. She is the best mother I've ever come across and could have wished for, and every day I find myself trying to emulate her strength.

He has serious anger issues

Unless he hits, slaps,verbally abuses and fights with other men, with people in authority, with people who had any "power" over him .... His physical equals and those who could hurt or damage him; employers, police, bouncers, large strong men....

He doesn't have anger issues.

He has values issues.

His values around women and children. Around vulnerable people. Around people dependant on him.

He's a bully.

Bullies don't have anger issues. They pick their targets.

Oh come off it, do you really think leaving an abusive partner is as easy as popping off to the women’s shelter?