To pull my child out of preschool after a week

[Tooworried1975]

My little boy is really struggling with preschool. He's summer born, so one of the youngest. At home he is chatty, happy, plays with his friends, goes exploring - no issues. He's gone from going into preschool nursery (attached to his future primary school) sad but ok, to sad and nearly crying, to full blown kicking and screaming and then spending most of the 1.5 hour session alone on the reading mat not letting anyone come near him (trying to hit anyone who did). My gut is that five mins of crying on drop off is to be expected, but that over an hour of sustained distress is not healthy. He's not been to nursery before (but has been to a lot of stay and plays with me and play dates). He doesn't have to go, I just thought it would be helpful to make friends before reception starts. But he's so distressed and clingy when he's back (normally he's very confident) that I'm thinking I should pull him out and reattempt for reception when he's a bit older.

Please help, I'm very upset at how much he's struggling.

A genuine question, if parents delay starting school by a year, does that mean that the child will be a year older than their peers all through school or are they able to recover that year at some stage?

You need to give him time to adjust, it's a big change if he's not been in a nursery setting before.

My son is august born and he's just gone in to year 1, I wouldn't advise delaying starting reception I don't see how it would benefit him.

@JudgeJ Once they've started school a child will practically always stay with their adopted cohort.

If they were to rejoin their 'normal' year group then they'd have to miss a full year of education to do it. That's almost never going to be in a child's best interests.

Also just a note on your wording "does that mean that the child will be a year older than their peers all through school" they might be anything from a day all the way up to 3 months older than the next oldest child. The majority of Summer born delays are for August born kids. So they really are often only a matter of days to weeks older than what would have been the oldest child.

Most schools will push for them to enter with their cohort in year 1 if you delay the start, but technically they are supposed to start in reception but as an older child. It can get tricky at the transition to secondary though.

I'd possibly look to try for a little longer in the hope of getting to half term. Maybe something might twig his interest and he settles as a result. You've got to weigh up whether you are happy to keep trying knowing he's upset at present and trying again later or possibly looking to hold him back a year anyway. I transferred both of mine from nursery to pre school when they were old enough (DD 3 1/2 and DS 2 years 9 months) because I have to work and it makes sense as it's attached to school like yours.

Both my DD and DS just qualify as summer born. I had a spell with DD where she had to be prised off me both in pre school and when she started reception. Even now in Year 1 she has her days when she just wants to cling on for dear life and she is an extremely sociable child bizarrely.

@JudgeJ We have deferred my August born little one, he started reception a week ago having just turned 5. He will just always be the oldest in the year group. After speaking to his preschool teacher we all agreed that he would benefit from an extra year in preschool, having started full time preschool at 3. I also have a September child, and the difference in their school readiness at 4 was huge, it is very child specific)

This is very standard if he's not used to being left by you. Children of 3 can actually be harder to settle in childcare than young babies, especially if you aren't sending him many sessions.

You could defer him and he'd be just as unused to being left next year.

Lots of children continue to kick off at the school gate for years, often the ones who get a sympathetic reaction from mum. When dad drops off they sail in!

Give it a good 3-4 weeks before you pull him out.

Lots of schools make it difficult - but it's illegal for them to have a blanket ban. And most end up saying yes if you're consistent. So it's probably not true to say few schools in your area allow it.

If you tell them you're delaying entry regardless of their opinion then the only way they can have your child start in Year 1 is if they can justify why missing a whole year of education is in the child's best interests. As you'd imagine - it's pretty much impossible for them to justify this for any child. So even if they initially refuse the request, parents just appeal and the decision gets over turned.

There’s a facebook group often mentioned for delaying school start. I can see nothing but benefits to delaying if you can. Mines other end and the young in yr yr13’s have had a rubbish time, ID is much stricter so they can’t even get in places inc on last day of school, lower pay in jobs etc.

My son is summer born. He started reception at just 4, he struggled a bit at first so I decided to do the first 2 weeks morning only.

He did settle, it just takes a little time. It definitely helped with the half days. It's a big adjustment for all of you. You know how you all feel and what is best for your child.

Hope things settle for you xx

Had he been in any kind of childcare prior to this? If not it would be unsettling and and I'd consider working up from a few half days. I don't think delaying helps as you're just delaying starting and it will still be hard.

I'm in Germany and it's very common to delay summer born children (and they start school at 6 here). Ds1 is summer born and he'll be starting school at 7.

If you are at home anyway / not working etc then I'd pull him out. If you are returning to work / need childcare for work then obviously that'll be more difficult to decide

@Curiosity101, you're right, the blanket ban is illegal. But that was exactly what I was told at the only schools I would have been interested in. I knew it was illegal but I also didn't want that adversarial relationship with the school. She had an excellent private nursery (preschool hours) where she did 15 hours a week and they were happy to keep her the extra year, teach her some phonics etc. She had taken a loooooong time to settle, very very clingy to me and I had to go in with her and stay for a long time when she started so I was in no hurry to move her. When she started school at 5, she had no problems.

But yes, I can see that OP might still have problems if she pulls him out and he stays at home still (or rather, with her - my little girl was also confident at stay and plays, it's not the same). So OP if you do pull him, perhaps you can take a term or two to try and accustom him to doing things or going places without you? Dance or gymnastics can be opportunities for this - they tend not to let the parents watch- although actually maybe they do at only 3. Bloody hell, 3!! He's just a baby really. I do feel a year will make a massive difference in what he's able to cope with. It has for my son.

Could he reattempt preschool? I wouldn't pull out then go straight to reception next school year. One of my summer borns did delayed entry for preschool and reception while his siblings started a year earlier. He really needed that extra year, but he went back into preschool so he started reception a year older than he normally would have, there'd have been no benefit of going straight to reception without that extra year in preschool. He simply wasn't ready for that setting.

Tricky one. Has he ever had to do anything where he is part of a group? I don't mean a play date or a stay and play, but something where he has to muck in and do things with others where the ratios are a bit lower and the expectations are that you follow the pack?

It's a skill, and one that he will need for school. It seems as if he isn't experiencing just finding separation tough, as he is getting worse and worse throughout the session. He might just hate the setting entirely, which inhibits the learning of the skill.

Could you look at somewhere else that might be more relaxed and Montessori? Or classes like playball where they go in and do the instruction alone with you sitting on the side? That might be a more obvious bridge that would make life easier for him later on.

I’d take him out, he’s just not ready. Try again in the new year

No he hasn't, and I think you've hit the nail on the head - he's so stressed out he's just not receptive to getting anything out of the session. Maybe I'll sign him up for gymnastics or something instead. He enjoys the free play gym sessions we go to at the moment so that might develop the skills without the pressure of 70 other kids running around.

I’d ask nursery then, if you can get some short term childcare for your baby. This might be exactly what he needs - a gradual getting used to it with you there at first. You will also get to know exactly what activities are on offer and what the routine is which might help you to talk to him about it. Mine both did nursery before 1, so I’ve no experience of a 3 year old in this situation, but my DS1, also summer born, looked forward to Friday mornings in reception when I was there and he was ok when I left at lunchtime.

Child dependent. My August born was very ready for school. She was bored.

I’ve been through this with dd (mid July) and reduced the sessions she did and delayed her starting school so the year she should have started reception she went full time to pre school and then started reception the year after aged 5. It really made a difference for her, she just wasn’t ready.

DS started last week (28th August and was 7 weeks prem) so was expecting the same situation but he’s run in everyday, barely a glance back to say goodbye and is happy. It’s really cemented my decision was right for DD after a bit of backlash from school who weren’t particularly happy with my request to delay her start to compulsory school age and not to miss reception.

I put my daughter in nursery when she was 2 and she was as you described, it was so hard walking away from her every day. I pulled her out against the advice of others. Worried I'd made a huge mistake. Put her back in at 3 and she was like a different child, reassured me that all my motherly instincts were correct.

Can I just point out that deferring a year in Scotland has been very normal for 20 years, to the extent now that the majority of children in the cut off month defer. It is only in the past few years in England the rules have changed. Stories about children a decade ago having trouble swapping to secondary or being in the 'wrong' year are irrelevant as the rules around deferral have only changed recently. I have an early summer born who has done well but whatever his ability level, if he were born now at the end of August I'd absolutely defer because the overwhelming evidence, and what I have seen again and again myself, is he'd do considerably better in the next year group. OP I'd at least read about it.

I hadn't considered deferring completely but I definitely need to read into it some more. I considered it but heard about issues with sports teams etc and didn't really think about it, especially as my partner is dead set against it. But given how DS has taken to preschool ill definitely look again. It's just so stressful!

@Tooworried1975

I think you are right, then. If there are things like stay and play that he is currently doing on a semi-independent basis, maybe see whether there is something that he can do more independently, where his first port of call is not necessarily you, but the teacher, and he has to follow someone else's rules/cues for a time. I'd say persevere with preschool if he was distressed but happy by pick up, but that doesn't sound like the case, so there isn't much point if he is just getting so worked up that he isn't really experiencing the setting at all.

My son started with playball at 2, where he was independent but with me watching 6 feet away, though he was also used to being with a nanny with their own child for a couple of days a week then he went to preschool happily at 3. Although he is happy at preschool 3 mornings a week and will do things and follow instructions independently, he has always hated mummy and me type classes - when he is with me he wants much more control over the programme, which is fine by me (and it is much cheaper!!). Kids do and like different things, so I would just try to focus on your son gaining more independence and developing solo learning in a way that suits him this term so that you can work out whether or not to defer him.

🖕 agree