To pull my child out of preschool after a week

[Tooworried1975]

My little boy is really struggling with preschool. He's summer born, so one of the youngest. At home he is chatty, happy, plays with his friends, goes exploring - no issues. He's gone from going into preschool nursery (attached to his future primary school) sad but ok, to sad and nearly crying, to full blown kicking and screaming and then spending most of the 1.5 hour session alone on the reading mat not letting anyone come near him (trying to hit anyone who did). My gut is that five mins of crying on drop off is to be expected, but that over an hour of sustained distress is not healthy. He's not been to nursery before (but has been to a lot of stay and plays with me and play dates). He doesn't have to go, I just thought it would be helpful to make friends before reception starts. But he's so distressed and clingy when he's back (normally he's very confident) that I'm thinking I should pull him out and reattempt for reception when he's a bit older.

Please help, I'm very upset at how much he's struggling.

Trust your instinct, you know your child best x

Thanks all for your thoughts. He's already doing a shorter session, but I'll look at shortening it more so that he might be able to brace himself and get through it and have a more positive experience. My gut is that he's not benefiting right now - it might be he still struggles with reception, but also he might have matured a little and be more ready. I guess my view is a little clouded as I work in a behavioural field and "flooding" (where you over expose someone to the stimulus they find stressful) is frowned upon as people tend to shut down and not process it properly rather than learn anything positive, and that's exactly what it feels like I'm doing to him right now 😢

Sorry to hear this. Is he allowed to take a toy or something familiar from home in with him? That helped my DD when she was struggling to settle in.

What does he do on the mat? Maybe he needs the time to sit and observe all that is going on around him? Maybe you could take him in early, set him up on the mat if that feels like his 'safe space' with a few of his favourite toys from home, or some toys from the preschool that you know he'd like (or even a mix of the two) and he can sit on the mat and observe and play with his toys. If possible have the staff just leave him alone and carry on as if he isn't there, let him decide when he wants to go explore more or maybe after a bit a member of staff could play with some toys he likes nearby. Not sure how many staff there are though or if this would be possible. Also him seeing you talk to the staff might make them seem like safer people.

I wouldn't pull him out yet, speak to the staff and see if you can sort out some things to try to make the transition easier.

Take him out. I sent my son to pre- school and look back with regret now. He was too young and the days were too long. It's so unnecessary at such a young age.

By the time he gets to reception, he'll be older. We always try to rush kids to grow up too soon in the uk. It's sad.

I teach Nursery and Reception and please don't pull him out. Could you do 30m where you stay? Then in the next session, he just does 10m without you to see you're coming back. You gradually extend this time but by really small increments. If you only manage 30m for a while it's still progress.

I also had a 3 year old who cried on drop off and cried the morning before knowing he was going - it took him from January to July to stop crying. He then went for 30 hours and now has just started Reception with not one tear.

Hang in there. It is distressing for you but it WILL get easier.

@BiffandChip1 - but what is the point of a child crying from January to July just to be at preschool? What benefits are there to that?

I'm trying to get a definite answer to this - so far it seems that the first two days he just stayed on it and watched (mostly because it's the closest space to the door where I drop him off I think) but today it sounds like he also stopped anyone from coming close or interacting with him. I don't want him to get back into the habit of hitting (this was a phase that we had to work hard to get out of but he was much much better) but he does still hit if he's totally overwhelmed.

I agree with others. You either persevere now or pull him out and delay his start at reception, trying preschool again in a year

Preschool teacher here. Honestly summer born boy, I'd delay reception for a year.

Unless you need school for childcare purposes. In which case, try again at Easter and just do one term of preschool before starting school

My DS went through similar and if you can stick with it, it does get better. I think my initial mistake was to be too sympathetic about how he felt, which I think not only validated his feelings but made him more anxious about going and being left. So I changed it to distracting him from the upset of me leaving him. On the drive to pre-school he’d start getting anxious and tearful, so I’d distract him with games such as counting all the buses we passed/trying to spot birds on the way- any game really which held his attention and distracted him. Then on the walk in I’d hone in on something positive they’d said about him (e.g. had been good at counting) and would say “nursery workers name told me you’ve been doing some really good counting, do you think today you could help her to count again?” He’s such an eager helper, so he’d be less focussed on me leaving, and more enthusiastic about going in to help. His worker was really good too though and would reinforce what I’d said to him, she’d encourage him to come with her to help with a task she was doing and would pretend his help was required to get the job done. Eventually we didn’t need to distract him anymore and he’d just skip in happily without even looking back at me to say goodbye. I hope it gets better for you both.

Ahh poor little thing. He must just be 3 so similar age to my eldest. We had a couple of wobbly days this week after the summer holidays and he’s been going there since he was 1! I wouldn’t pull him out and I’d actually increase his hours there. I sometimes think a short amount of time (1.5 hours) is too short to settle after getting upset. If he was doing 9-3, he wouldn’t be able to be upset all day (assuming no additional needs) and hopefully he would come round to the activities and have a bit of fun in the afternoon.

My youngest is 18 months and is very clingy to me and predictably has cried at every drop off. However, I did two morning sessions a week with her last year and she was a lot more unsettled with that than she seems to be with going to preschool full time. Of course we have only done 4 days so far but we had big smiles at pick up and minimal tears at drop off today plus lots of videos of her playing and having fun this week so I think she’s finally starting to enjoy it. I echo a PP’s suggestion of taking a toy from home to help settle him when he’s there but speak to the staff as well. They will want to help.

Thank you, this is helpful. He was ok going in a few days ago when I said I would ask his teacher to show him the trucks, but I don't think that happened - she said she would, but when I picked him up he was still wearing his coat and bag and had stayed on the mat 😢

Nope he doesn't have to go. I just thought it would help ease the transition. He's fine to stay home all year and reattempt for reception if that would be better. I'm just worried that would be even harder. Or maybe he would be more mature and able to cope.

Is there any way you can stay for a bit with him and help him settle in and then try to get him used to you being at the other side of the room for a bit, and then out of the room etc? Or do you have a younger child? Does the setting allow, in effect, parent helping? I did one morning a week in reception, as did several mums.

Yes I've got a one year old too. But could probably sort short term childcare for her to do this if it's an option. I think that would help hugely - he's fine at stay and play type settings.

I mean he wasn't sat for 3 hour sessions crying 🙄 he cried upon drop off and then he was fine. He went off to play with friends, access social situations he hadn't come across before, learn routines and play in a different setting, the chance to become his own person. Of course it's each to their own, but I believe it was key in turning him into the gorgeous little human he is today. If you're wondering, he's exceeding in quite a good few areas so I'm happy my parenting choice was a good one.

My DD hated nursery. She went for a while, was miserable and nothing was getting better so I pulled her out.

Gave her 6 months back at home then we tried again, she still hated it. Lots of tears at drop off but she calmed down slightly after a while. I was worried about primary and struggled deciding whether to send her or wait another year.

We went for it and took her, she didn't even look at the kids crying and clinging to their parents, she walked in no shits given.

I can't see why you wouldn't pull him out. What on earth is the upside? He won't make any meaningful friends he can't make next year.
You don't even have to delay reception (few schools round here will allow it), he'll be a whole year older. And you can also do a part-time timetable in reception. Or just skip reception altogether and go straight to y1. That's what I did with my daughter (she did go to part time nursery though).

Hi you have lots of helpful suggestions above.

My sisters kids were both August babies and both started school at just 4. Combined with learning difficulties, it was probably a mistake that cost them through school.
Could your little one defer school til a little older. That will give you plenty of time to help them get used to nursery.

My little girl attends creche 3 days per week when I'm working. She is 2 now but starting her in creche aged 6 months still still haunts me. I had to go against my instincts at times (to keep my job). She's fine now but I still hate thinking of how I must have upset her. It's so hard but take comfort in the fact that kids are pretty resilient (us, less so!).

I would stick with it a bit longer if you can. Maybe for a shorter session as some of the others have said.

My DD started preschool the week after she was 3 (April birthday), she didn't attend a nursery setting until she was 2.5. I feel it's really set her and her friends up for reception as they have transitioned well. They know the school, the teachers and already have friends etc. If you pull him out now I think it will make it worse next year (unless you delay reception) x

I think as a general rule a week is not long enough to try something before abandoning it. Especially if you are definitely sending him to school next year. If you decide to pull him out can you try some toddler classes, where there are very basic ‘expectations’ of participating, taking turns etc but you are there to support him. And then you can observe how he goes and see if there are any red flags. It’s not difficult for most children to be perfectly happy when they’re at home with mum all day and life is predictable and structured to suit them, so you might not notice anything amiss until they enter a more formal setting.

People will tell you if he was a girl, or older, or had been going to child care since he was little, then it would be better. But that’s not necessarily true. My niece went to childcare from 10 months. She cried every day she went there, cried and screamed every day for the first two years of primary, cried every day for the first year of high school. Now she’s distressed about going to Uni! The girl who struggled the most in my DD’s preschool class was one of the oldest, same in my DS’s reception class. Some kids just struggle with transition.

Ah I see. So he was just whiny on drop
off? But the OP’s child is upset the whole time. Which is not a good thing, and isn’t the same.

I've never left my children to cry and my daughter took a couple of days to settle. My son needed me with him for an hour and to pick him up earlier then it reduced and he finally settled but it took months and lots of reassurance about the time I was picking him up and going in with him and staying etc