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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think marriage is more than this?

47 replies

BikingIsBest · 12/09/2024 07:12

Hello mumsnetters. NC as feels very personal to share.
Been married 15yrs. 2 DC.
I don’t know if this is the “norm” after all this time?
We have drifted into very different people - there’s very little conversation between us at all. No shared interests. Holidays are strained. No physical relationship in any way. I feel unwanted and not needed, except to organise life. I’ve tried to make things better but have run out of ideas and energy.
But we have DC to think of so I realise it’s not just about me.
AIBU to think marriage should be more, or do I need to just accept it for sake of keeping family together?

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 12/09/2024 07:15

Honestly, I was like you years ago, but add in lies and drinking, and I stayed for the kids, and I shouldn’t have. Is this the way you want to spend the rest of your life, however long it might be?

MumChp · 12/09/2024 07:17

Time to move on.

Zanatdy · 12/09/2024 07:18

It sounds like it’s over. Please don’t stay for the kids. As kids never thank you for it. You have one life.

LauritaEvita · 12/09/2024 07:48

Has it always been this way? Did you ever feel wanted? Have intimacy? Shared interests? I’m guessing yes as you got married. What has changed?

Wordsmithery · 12/09/2024 08:17

You have the right to be happy, and your kids have the right to see you happy. If that helps.

HoppityBun · 12/09/2024 08:18

Ask him what he thinks?

Mandylovescandy · 12/09/2024 08:23

Have you tried talking to him about it or counselling? I was surprised in counselling that actually we both missed the same things but we were stuck in weird patterns trying solve it from our own perspectives

SauvignonBlonk · 12/09/2024 08:24

That doesn’t sound like a nice way to live OP. It’s a cliche but life really is too short.
You deserve to be happy. Either by evaluating your relationship together or moving on.

AyeupDuck · 12/09/2024 08:27

Why did you get together? I mean did you never have any shared interests. Why don’t you both try actually talking about the issues.

TipsyJoker · 12/09/2024 08:27

It’s difficult to give any advice OP with so little back story. Apart from the distance between you, is your husband a good man? Does he help you in the home? Do you both work? Are there any health issues? Depression? When did the physical intimacy in your marriage start to decline? Do you want physical intimacy? What ages are tour children?

Mollycuddled · 12/09/2024 08:28

It doesn't sound like there's major nastiness, just that you've become incompatible and disconnected?
If that's the case, in your shoes I would do counselling rather than just giving up on my marriage without trying. I would want to be able to say to myself I did my best, and I would want to be able to tell my kids that too.

StMarieforme · 12/09/2024 08:35

Both my married sons have shared interests with their wives, are very close, happy, enjoy each other's company etc.

Both 15 years +

You deserve more.

Didimum · 12/09/2024 08:36

I’ve tried to make things better but have run out of ideas and energy.

What has this looked like up til now? X

Dweetfidilove · 12/09/2024 08:58

Is your husband also trying to meet you half way? It's impossible to improve things on your own.

KimberleyClark · 12/09/2024 09:05

AyeupDuck · 12/09/2024 08:27

Why did you get together? I mean did you never have any shared interests. Why don’t you both try actually talking about the issues.

This. Is there no chance whatsoever of rekindling any romantic feelings between you? Good marriages don’t just happen, they need maintenance and care.

AngelinaFibres · 12/09/2024 09:07

Dweetfidilove · 12/09/2024 08:58

Is your husband also trying to meet you half way? It's impossible to improve things on your own.

This is the most important factor in where your marriage goes in the future. Counselling is a very good idea because it will either help you to be happier together or it will help you to part in a better way. A third party helping both of you ( or just you if your husband won't engage) is incredibly helpful in getting your thoughts in order. I was brought up that you got married and you stayed married. My parents marriage was miserable but my mother feels ( justifies to herself) that she is somehow a better person because they stuck with the misery until my father died. I thought this was what you did and would never have left my husband. He left me. I was devastated. Honestly it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I read somewhere years later that " some marriages last forever, some have a sell by date". Perhaps you two can save yours ,perhaps its faded too far. Neither outcome is wrong. Don't stay for the children. I was the child in that. It's awful.

Mischance · 12/09/2024 09:15

Marriages are what they are and they are all different. Some are lovey-dovey and very close, some are more run-of-the-mill, but not necessarily any the worse for that as long as both partners are content.

It does not feel right for you at the moment - is it right for him? Have you talked about it with him to find out what he thinks?

SpringleDingle · 12/09/2024 09:20

Have you spoken to him about this? I left a marriage when my DD was 7 so 7 years ago now. There was no cheating, abuse, alcoholism or anything major. I was miserable. My DH was disinterested in me. We no longer had anytihng in common. We had zero fun. There was no phyiscal contact on either side. It was like living uncomfortably with a stranger. I'd breath in when he passed me in the kitchen so we didn't touch. Dinners were tough as we'd sit at the table for DD sake but had nothing to say to one another.

We discussed it a few times and he didn't want to split but despite trying date nights (so uncomfortable), new hobbies, etc.. We just couldn't seem to connect. In the end I asked to split as I was so miserable. The split was amicable. We had a divorce and financial agreement and we had a solicitor to help with paperwork but we agreed together on what it would look like. We agreed to 50:50 childcare without court (although he no longer does his 50% at all and has just drifted away).

It was SAD. Sad to see what was once so good come to an end. I missed the man I married but he wasn't there anymore. It was definitely the right decision though - the lifting of the stress of living in that sad environment was wonderful. Some years ago I started dating and 2 years ago I met my new DP. He is lovely and he clearly loves me, enjoys my company and really lifts me up. He moved in 5 months ago and I have never been happier.

My DD was pretty sad when we split. We also had to move house and she had to move school so it was a pretty big 6 months but she settled very quickly. She has been able to articulate her feelings about the split and is quite clear that she is not at all unhappy about it. She loved living with me and spending time with her Dad. Having double Xmas, birthday and what not is great. She really likes my new partner and is happy he moved in (he brought no other kids and is really good with being a hands off friendly presence and not trying to be a Dad).

If you have discussed this together and it is clear it cannot be fixed then a stress free divorce can really open up life for you both to find happiness.

Starlight1979 · 12/09/2024 09:27

@BikingIsBest

I was out with a friend at the weekend who has recently come out of a 20 year marriage (2 grown kids). She was unhappy since the kids were little but they "stuck together" until they had grown and left school / home.

There was no sex for at least 10-15 years of the relationship, he ended up having an affair (which he ended after she found out), he started drinking heavily, the tension and atmosphere was just awful most days (I - and other friends - stopped going round to the house because it was awkward so used to arrange to meet her at ours or go out).

He's a full blown alcoholic now and the kids don't speak to him. They resent how he treated their mum but my friend admits both of them were to blame for staying in a toxic and unhappy home for so many years and subjecting the kids to it.

She's now dating again, enjoying her freedom in her own little house and rebuilding her relationship with her kids.

Everything could have been different if they ended the relationship when they both knew it wasn't working. They both would have had healthier and happier relationships with their children and been far better parents.

I have never been a believer in "sticking it out for the kids". This is why.

Whothefuckdoesthat · 12/09/2024 09:27

I don’t think you should make any decisions until you’ve had some marriage counselling. It doesn’t sound a happy marriage, but you don’t know if that’s because you’re not in love with each other anymore or because life has got you out of the habit of just being nice to each other. I’m a firm believer that staying for the kids is a really terrible idea. But, at the same time, all relationships require work at some points and it’s just as terrible an idea to walk away from a solid family unit without seeing what it will take to get it working again. If your car broke down, you’d at least let a mechanic look at it before buying yourself a bus pass.

Seas164 · 12/09/2024 09:30

What's he saying about it?

Kosenrufugirl · 12/09/2024 09:42

Be mindful, whenever a woman confides a marital difficulty, the majority advice on Mumsnet is to split. As if it's so easy to split the house and find a new partner and shared parenting is pure joy (including split or lonely Christmases). Never mind the children's trauma who equally love both parents. I have been married for 25 years. Our marriage has been through ups and downs. I think the stress of parenting and strain on finances with the latest cost of living crises are major dampener on any relationship. You haven't disclosed anything that would warrant an immediate action in my opinion- no infidelity, hidden gambling etc. Marriage counselling might be an idea. However much depends on the skill of a counsellor. Do you like reading? I could recommend 5 Languages of Love, 60 Minutes Marriage and Why Women Talk and Men Walk or How to Improve Your Relationship without Talking about It. I hope it helps

WereAllBladesArentWe · 12/09/2024 10:01

I am following with interest as I could have written this myself. I agree about counselling (currently having my own) and it's certainly shone a spotlight on some things for me ie validation he can be avoidant, tips on how to combat my own anxious attachment style. But we don't go together. He would hate it.

In my situation age (mid 40s) also seems to be a factor - peri meno, aging parents, career pressures, etc - but I feel trapped and lonely and lost. Hope that makes you feel less alone OP. Sending strength.

Oldermum84 · 12/09/2024 10:03

I think the first question is - do you still like eachother? The rest can be worked on. You need to talk to him. Good luck.

GingerPirate · 12/09/2024 10:31

Very personal point of view here,
I think that and similar happens if you add "DCs" into the marriage.
I'm married for 20 years, no kids and no problems.