To think marriage is more than this?

[BikingIsBest]

Hello mumsnetters. NC as feels very personal to share.
Been married 15yrs. 2 DC.
I don’t know if this is the “norm” after all this time?
We have drifted into very different people - there’s very little conversation between us at all. No shared interests. Holidays are strained. No physical relationship in any way. I feel unwanted and not needed, except to organise life. I’ve tried to make things better but have run out of ideas and energy.
But we have DC to think of so I realise it’s not just about me.
AIBU to think marriage should be more, or do I need to just accept it for sake of keeping family together?

Personally I think marriage has peaks and troughs and often needs to be worked at.

You ought to go out together - a walk perhaps - and tell him how you're feeling, ask how he is within your marriage and how to move forward.

I don't agree with the "that's it then, time to split" without talking it over and seeing if, with effort and consideration, the relationship can be revived.

Ditto, 34 years.

When I was 11 or 12 my mum confided in me that she was in unhappy in her marriage to my dad. She did not feel loved or appreciated, and was considering a divorce (whether she should have told me all this is a different story). My parents decided to try marriage counseling first, and are still together 25 years on, seemingly largely happy.

When there are kids involved and there is isn't anything majorly wrong (abuse etc.) in your marriage I think it makes sense to try and improve your marriage first, rather than getting divorced.

Grateful for the varied replies. Sorry that others are in the same situation.
I agree marriage takes work, it doesn’t just “happen”. We’ve had endless chats about it - he is not really bothered by any of it, and would just float along. He’s a lone wolf. I’ve simply just realised how lonely I feel. We do everything separately. Yes we were happy initially, but if I think back to before DC (10 & 8) we led separate lives a lot of the time - different hobbies/trips/friends. I think it’s me who has changed to be honest.
I have suggested counselling a lot but he is not keen and the cost would be a challenge. Can you do counselling alone for marriage difficulties?!

3DC here and also very happily married 20 years on 👍.

I think sometimes these days we are too quick to give up on marriage, and too quick to destabilise our family’s life. Obviously there are instances where divorce is the only option (ie abuse, nastiness, infidelity)

Before looking to break up: talk to your husband, really talk to him. Tell him your feelings; ask him about his. See if you can pull it together again.

I really believe that any relationship cannot be perfect all the time, and sometimes you need to stop and take stock

Don't stay together just for your DC. Children are very smart and they will pick up on the frosty atmosphere within the home and it's likely to make them as uncomfortable as it is making you. If it comes down to it, they would be better with two parents that are seperated but happy rather than them together and miserable.

Sounds like your husband has little interest in trying to improve your relationship. Does he know how serious this is now? in your discussions have you been very clear with him? That you are very unhappy and you're at the point where you are no longer able to continue the way things are?

I'd be pushing hard for the counselling, even if it means hobbies and trips take a back seat for both of you for a while. Your marriage is at risk and has to come first at this point.

Sadly I think it can get like that. Is he someone you can rely on?

This is so true kids will not thank you for staying.
Children pick up on things.

I think that’s a bit of an answer in itself, OP. He’s not the only person in this marriage, he should be concerned that you are unhappy. It needs to matter to both of you.

I think counselling could be helpful for you. It would give you a chance to work out what you want, what's changed, and what to do about it.

Do you get time to do the things you used to do on your own when you were happier in the marriage? It's possible that, if you can do more of those things for yourself, that you'll feel better coming home because you won't have to rely on your husband not to feel lonely.

Yes, I think it should be more. Fine and healthy to have your own separate things but surely there needs to be something to talk about and some shared interest. Comfortable silences are also ok though.

I couldn't live like this, OP. My DH is 100% my happy place and he brings so much to my life. My marriage is my favourite thing. Reading that you're husband 'isn't bothered' shows how little he cares for you, and I could not go on with a life partnership with someone so uninvested in my happiness and wellbeing.

Do you mind me asking how long you have been married and whether you have children?

Its ok to ask what he thinks - but you're ok to have a differing opinion; his opinion doesn't mean more or win out (if he thinks its fine then it must be fine for example - no), you deserve happiness too - and if you're not happy then it needs action. Whatever that action maybe.

100%. Neither could I. We are a team.

Sure. We’ve been together 12 years, married 8 and have two 6yr olds.

Am not entirely sure my strategy of having lone counselling for marriage issues is the best option - together would be preferable - but I've got some other stuff to unpack of my own too! I've scared myself as am indifferent, I started to understand why people have affairs & have felt numb/no guilt about that.

It's helpful to know others have peaks & troughs as I have felt bereft at times. Marriage feels really hard but the alternative even harder. Does it for you OP?

This was in response to OP asking if you can have lone counselling for marriage difficulties btw. Can't see to type properly as I keep bloody crying.

Ok even if you had your kids late in life and you’re now 60/65, you still have far too much life to live for it to be like this.
My DH makes me laugh, we enjoy time together, we share some interests and explore the others. We have physical intimacy.
you are the role model for what your kids might become - would you want them to think this is as good as it gets?

You can do counselling in any way for whatever reason you want but you need to think what you want the outcome to be and the best steps to get there.

I think the difficulty here is that it’s rarely a choice between stay or leave. Modern lives involve so much financial entwinement simply leaving is not an option. We aren’t that dissimilar to you but can’t afford to split up, so we have an open marriage, other partners and a friendship only at home. It’s a holding pattern, far from ideal, but I’m not willing to compromise my children’s stability just to get out of a still tolerable albeit unhappy situation.