To report domestic abuse

[Wanttohelpbuthow]

A new mum at my child’s nursery has confided in me & a few other mums that her husband is abusive - verbally, physically & financially. Some of the stories she’s told me are chilling and this is ongoing.
I barely know this lady but I’m concerned for her children (aged 6, 2 & a baby)
im also worried if I report this, it’ll make it worse if police show up at their house.
im torn on what to do but am so concerned about those small children

Have a chat with manager at the nursery in confidence

I’d be speaking to the Health Visiting team, or safeguarding lead at nursery

The thing is is that you can’t not do anything about this. At the very least I’d speak to the nursery, they can be on the alert then for any signs of injury or emotional abuse towards the children. Also I know people on here usually recommend contacting the nspcc for advice if they don’t want to jump straight into phoning social services

Speak to her before you speak to anyone else.

Give her the details for women's aid, tell her what support you can give, if any, ask her if she wants to get out of the marriage.

If she doesn't that's a different matter, but give her some autonomy first.

Yes report, the man won't magically improve if you don't do anything.

I have asked her if she wants to leave him & she said yes but he threatens her. I’ve mentioned women’s aid etc
i was thinking of phoning 101 as ideally I’d like to be anonymous, we live in a small rural village and I’m worried it’ll get traced back to me

I would invite her to yours for a cup of tea and call women’s aid together. When I spoke to them last year they were ready to come get me there and then.

I would find a way to support her making the call herself.

If you call the police its going to put her on the spot, if she's unexpectedly faced with police then her first instinct will be to protect him.

It sounds like she's asking for help, so she will just need a bit of a handhold to take the steps herself.

thanks all, I should add (if this makes any difference) he is known to the police for many previous crimes..im still unsure but might call nspcc in the morning for advice

speak to the safeguarding lead but if the child is growing up in a home with a physically abusive dad, I think you must report. It's basic safeguarding. Bit shocked you even ask. Do you not get training?

Agree with this.
My situation was taken out of my hands. I was beyond distraught and livid no one had even spoken to me or knew the full story .
Please give her some autonomy.

If the police turned up out of the blue,she may go down the road of no nothing is happening here and in turn behind closed doors she could be in real danger.
The getting to know her and offering numbers of agencies that can help I think would be more helpful.

@Brieonlybrie i don’t work at the nursery, my child attends there

Sorry crouching tiger I realised my reply was almost identical to yours.

This 💯 percent. Then her partner will cotton on and it will intensify.

Due to the situation and especially as she has kids, she really would be helped by Women’s aid and Refuge very quickly.

The process is you call them explain what’s happening and then they would look for refuge in or surrounding area. They would come collect them.

If no spaces nearby it will be further away.
She will be able to choose which area to bid on a property with the council. As she is fleeing domestic abuse she will be at the top for bidding and have more choices than she thinks.

The council/schools now also have it in place to take children on at new schools fleeing domestic abuse, without them having to wait months like what often would happen in the past. This came into place in the UK I believe two years ago.

She will have help at a refugee with starting up benefits and what to do next.

Within 6 months ( 3 to 6 months is the average stay at a refuge ) of leaving tomorrow she would most likely be out of a refuge in a new home and children at a new school. New life this is her way out. If someone like you OP doesn’t help her now she could risk loosing her kids down the line if it shows she has repeatedly been reported or seen by social services etc and chosen to stay.

@Gorgeousfeet im so sorry you went through this as well.
any time I ask her she says she wants to leave but feels threatened. I’ve been saying for months that I would help and to call various support numbers but she hasn’t. I’m now at the point of being genuinely concerned for the welfare of the children as some of the stories she’s told me directly involve them which is why I feel I now need to step in..it’s such a hard situation

You shouldn’t be torn. There are children involved, let the professionals make the judgement calls on how best to protect them not you. You should have gone to the police yesterday .

Try and speak to her and a good idea about a previous posted had about calling women’s aid together. She needs a plan to leave safely

I was in an abusive relationship. If the police turned up out of the blue I wouldn’t have said anything out of fear. It would’ve been so much worse if they just left him there with me after me speaking up

When the police were actually called (by my mum, and I knew they were coming) , I said the bare minimum as he was nearby and I was worried he could possibly hear me.

Social workers visited and they were actually very kind. I opened up to them as I felt safe.

Sadly OP this is what can happen.

She will either take your support or she will stay til she gets reported by multiple people that’s if she hasn’t already which will build up and if social services intervene and she chooses to stay with him, she will lose her children by the fact she is knowingly choosing this life for them.

I've posted before on these types of situations.growing up in a DV household leaves it's mark on children.
With CBT I'm reconciling with what I saw,had done to me and heard this is now nearly 50 years later.
Those children will need help and protection.

Always do what you feel is right. Especially where children are involved- don’t hesitate. Safeguarding children is paramount.

Mine was a unique and awful situation and thankfully my children were not there .

This lady is fortunate to have someone caring for her and the children’s welfare.

That's a bit different to a new mum at nursery confiding that her husband is abusive.

If she's been refusing help for months, and telling everyone stories of abuse involving the children, then you need to be informing the nursery or SS straight away.

I still wouldn't call the police, unless you think there's immediate danger, if the police go over and the kids are in bed and she denies then it will give them the opportunity to talk to the kids and get them to lie.

The nursery will report under safeguarding procedures and also add any information they have, and SS can talk to the kids, look at the history and make decisions from there.