To impose ‘conditions’ on my mother if she wants to join our days out?

[WinterisComing95]

My mother is absolutely obsessed with social media and making others think that she has a ‘perfect life’ - she’s only in her early 50’s too, if that’s relevant.

Now onto the AIBU and the annoying bit - she’s suddenly wanting to join me and DD (8) on our days out. She finds out about these days out because DD is autistic and my sister who lives with my mother usually joins us, to help me out as an additional carer for DD sort of thing.

She spends the whole time out on her phone taking photos, and especially trying to make DD fake smile and pose for the ‘perfect photo’, rather than just being present and enjoying the day out. It’s starting to affect DD now too as she just wants to enjoy herself but spends the majority of the time being hounded by my mother and her pissing phone. I call her out on it every single time, but she still carries on.

AIBU to say either she puts the phone away on days out or that will be the end of her coming out with us from now on?

YANBU

I'd have an honest conversation and say it's triggering your DD. No need to say it's because she's spending too much time on her phone, just you don't want her taking photos of DD because it's effecting her.

The thing is, is that she knows this already as DD will actively ask her to stop and say that photo time is finished now - but she still carries on. For example, DD was trying to play mini golf and my mother made her stop every time she hit the ball for a photo when all DD wanted to do was play and it just ruined the whole experience.

Tell your mother she's upsetting you and DD and that you need her to put her phone away/leave it at home if she wants to accompany you on days out. If she can't do that then she's not welcome to join you.

It needs nipping in the bud now.

Honestly her behaviour is ridiculous. Just tell her straight....No you're not coming on our trips.

Of course that's not unreasonable but I don't think an ultimatum would be the most helpful way to go about it unless you really have to.

Can you meet up with her and explain how it's affecting your child and set some boundaries very firmly?

Its simple. She leaves her phone at home or she doesn't come.

YADNBU.

Put your foot down with a firm hand OP, she's ruining the days out and becoming a pain in the a*se

She won't change, just stop taking her.

Social media attention is like an addiction to those who crave it.

You're absolutely not being unreasonable!

I don't allow photos of my children on social media full stop. You don't owe her a reason, simply tell her to stop with the taking photos.

If your DD tells her to stop, and she doesn't, then you MAKE her stop. Tell her "sorry mum, but I need to teach DD that she has body autonomy, and that includes being able to say "no" to having her picture taken." Take her phone away if necessary.

Otherwise what kind of message are you giving your daughter about her power to say "no"?

Your mum can take as many photos as she wants, as long as everyone gets to FREELY decide whether they are in them or not. (If she bullies your daughter to let her take a photo, then that is another teaching moment about consent needing to be willingly and enthusiastically given). Similarly, no posting to social media unless she has permission of those in the photo. Would she want control over what pictures of her you post to SM with her tagged? Of course she would - she won't want an awful picture of her looking older than her years / sneezing / caught off guard, even if she does love posting photos.

If your mum doesn't agree, you owe it to your daughter to protect her from your mum.

YANBU, except by not supporting your daughter already.

Please please please take some really hideous photos of your "D"M & post them everywhere😂

Your daughter needs to see you demonstrating that it's OK to firmly say stop when someone is doing something that makes you uncomfortable. And I'd also not be happy that your daughter is learning that you do things 'for social media/the photos' not for the joy of it.

Before the next outing, tell your mum no photos and no social media and explain why. Or if you and your daughter are OK with it, compromise and say one photo at the end (eg: like at the end of the mini gold course or whatever).

If she doesn't stick with it, or starts pushing while you're there, be very firm. Have a few phrases ready to say. If necessary, you and your daughter walk off somewhere else without her. Then don't invite her next time, and tell her why.

if you really don’t think you can say no then tell your mum one photo only but she can take a couple of videos when DD is enjoying herself, on the condition that she doesn’t make DD look at her or do anything in particular
She can then look through the video afterwards and screenshot anything she likes!
No photos is, in itself, absolutely fine to insist on. However we found the short video compromise quite good with a friend who also wanted to take a million photos of our kids doing things together!

Get it across to her the constant photos stop and it adds the sum of fuck all to enjoying a day out.

Don't impose conditions just ban her from going with you.

@Carrotsandgrapes advice is sound if your mother is rational. It doesn’t sound like she is. You gotta communicate in her vernacular in a way that will ensure she will never repeat it… my grandpa once said “If you don’t put that camera away… they’ll have a hard time dislodging it” if you get my drift….

@WinterisComing95 AIBU to say either she puts the phone away on days out or that will be the end of her coming out with us from now on?

No, YANBU. Just tell her.

We had to set boundaries with my father in law. They live overseas so we only see them once or twice a year and would spend half the time watching him take pictures of our kids. It made them super anxious too. We just had to be super clear and then enforce our choice when he forgets. It's much, much better now.

You need to cut out your sister and your mother from every outing and spend time one on one with your daughter.

Tell her she can go with you if he leaves her mobile at home or in the car

Does your mum not have a job? She should be living her own life and not following you around all the time - maybe weekends but not all the time.

What part of DD has additional needs and often needs an additional carer did you miss out when reading the post? I spend plenty of one on one time with her, but in public places, she often needs a couple of people to watch her and help keep her safe.

Thank you everyone for your advice, I think I will have another stern word with her and the next step will be not letting her come along if she continues!