To impose ‘conditions’ on my mother if she wants to join our days out?

[WinterisComing95]

My mother is absolutely obsessed with social media and making others think that she has a ‘perfect life’ - she’s only in her early 50’s too, if that’s relevant.

Now onto the AIBU and the annoying bit - she’s suddenly wanting to join me and DD (8) on our days out. She finds out about these days out because DD is autistic and my sister who lives with my mother usually joins us, to help me out as an additional carer for DD sort of thing.

She spends the whole time out on her phone taking photos, and especially trying to make DD fake smile and pose for the ‘perfect photo’, rather than just being present and enjoying the day out. It’s starting to affect DD now too as she just wants to enjoy herself but spends the majority of the time being hounded by my mother and her pissing phone. I call her out on it every single time, but she still carries on.

AIBU to say either she puts the phone away on days out or that will be the end of her coming out with us from now on?

You NEED to make the rule! She’s being ridiculous. If it was one photo per outing that she could keep as a memory fine but she is mad! And I’m sure your poor DD doesn’t need to be spread all over the internet every time she moves, either.

Maybe try a compromise. Tell your mother that she can take photos but not posed ones. To be honest, candid shots are so much nicer anyway.

You can easily be firm but kind.
Remind your mum that your daughter has additional needs and explain that the multiple photos are upsetting to her. Very upsetting.
Tell mum that she simply must leave her phone in her handbag - or more preferably, at home - there are no two ways about it.
And also explain that if she can’t go along with this simple request, you’re going to have to ask her stay at home. “Not kidding, Mum.”

I bet she gets a million likes for her 'look what a lovely grandmother to my granddaughter with special needs' posts. Which is pretty awful of her if she's getting likes and not actually adding to her DGC's life.

why should you compromise? No means no.

I wouldn't trust her to keep it in her handbag though!

"You're not invited"
"You don't respect DD's right to not want her photo taken"
"You ruin every trip/day out with your SM obsession"

Have a proper conversation with your Mum about it. Some unposed pictures are fine, but it is annoying and upsetting for dd to have to keep posing and smiling. Unposed photos are more natural. Ultimatums - why are they such a thing MN? Makes everyone sound nasty and entitled.

Yes!!! Lol. I'm sure that her mother will think twice about taking loads of photos of her granddaughter.

She's acting like a spoilt child. Act like the parent and physically take her phone off her. Put in your handbag and tell her she can have it back at home time.

It’s fine to set rules. I’d tell her that no photos of dd can go on social media at all, and she can’t ask dd to pose for photos. If she can’t come along without insisting on documenting it then she’s not welcome. Hopefully if she can’t post the photos she won’t see the point.

Honesty time.
Tell her she cannot keep coming if she's constantly taking photos, even though she's been asked not to.
Also tell her that you don't want her plastering photos of you/DD etc all over social media.
You have to be frank.

Your mum should get your childs consent as well as yours to take a photo of her, to post it on social media. There are many reasons why you might not want her to, especially when your child is vulnerable due to her needs.

If talking to her about how it's upsetting your daughter and taking the enjoyment out of the activities doesn't work, point out that she is potentially putting her at risk of being groomed.

You need to stand up for your daughter and take control of the photo opportunities. If your mum can't control herself and respect your wishes then you will have to limit the number of days out she comes on.

Both of my kids has additional needs and hate their pictures being taken. They also didn't want them on social media. So we only have a few photos of them, when they wanted a picture to be taken. I do understand the issue you are facing and had to have words with other members of the family. It's one thing asking them to allow one "special photo for granny to keep" and something else when grandma is acting like a crazy paparazzi snapper all day!

It's natural to be proud of your grandkids and want photos to remember the great times you have together but it can't come at the expense of your family's happiness.