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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he shouldn’t be flirting with other women when I’m pregnant

56 replies

Jigglypop · 11/09/2024 05:50

so I’ve been in a casual ish relationship. We agreed to keep it exclusive but as we both lead very different lives we said let’s just spend time together. We’ve been doing this for 7 months, getting along fine. Small bumps along the way about expectations.

Anyway I recently found out I was pregnant, through contraception failure. And I really do not know what to do. He has been excellent, supportive and understanding.

We agreed to have a long chat to see how we were both really feeling and what life might look like if I kept it. I didn’t decide then however I am leaning towards an abortion. The following night, he’s texting me to say how sad he is. I mean literal hours of him being drunk, saying he’s sad but he can’t change my mind, he said he’s crying whilst he’s out.

I sent him some supportive messages but I was kind of annoyed because it’s not exactly an easy decision for me. The next morning I sent him a message just saying I hope he’s okay, I’m sending lots of love and for him to just let me know he’s home safe. I heard nothing all day so I thought he could be mad.

I went on social media, nope he was out with women later that night. I also could see he posted several flirty comments on a woman’s profile. AIBU to think it’s disrespectful to ignore me when we’re talking about something so serious. I was feeling so guilty and worried about him but instead he’s actually fine and has been entertaining other women

OP posts:
Original poster
Jigglypop · 11/09/2024 07:13

He is a complete waste of time I agree. I won’t be doing that again. He never asked me how I was feeling about anything. I would expect some level of care at least. Oh well it’s done now

OP posts:
PonyPatter44 · 11/09/2024 07:16

I think you're making exactly the right decision, fwiw. Go and have your abortion as quickly as possible, and block this clown while you're still angry at him.

Double up on your contraception if you need to, so you don't end up in this position again.

Guavafish1 · 11/09/2024 07:19

Honestly take him out the equation

if you want the baby and understand you’ll be a single mother than keep the pregnancy

I would base it on you.

he sounds like a loser. Let him go

Catza · 11/09/2024 08:04

You can’t really say what he can and can’t do. It’s a casual relationship, the pregnancy is a temporary situation and I don’t see why he should act any differently just because happened to be pregnant with a child you are not planning to keep.
I am saying it from the position of a woman who terminated accidental pregnancy in similar circumstances. He also cried. No idea whether he was flirting with someone or not at the time because it was a casual relationship and he had a full right to if he wanted to. I literally went on a first date with my current partner two days after the abortion. I was not a person to judge the perspective father for any flirting there may have been going on at the time.

Original poster
Jigglypop · 11/09/2024 08:19

True maybe I’m caught up in my feelings but I’d expect a message to see how I am or anything before ignoring me for another woman. I don’t know maybe I’m being irrational and too immature for a baby like someone said. But that’s how I feel

OP posts:
Catza · 11/09/2024 08:37

Jigglypop · 11/09/2024 08:19

True maybe I’m caught up in my feelings but I’d expect a message to see how I am or anything before ignoring me for another woman. I don’t know maybe I’m being irrational and too immature for a baby like someone said. But that’s how I feel

Don’t underestimate the extent to which pregnancy can mess with your rational self. I hate blaming hormones on anything but it is true what they say. Hormones are a bitch when you are pregnant. Naturally, you are in a vulnerable position and want to be protected and cared for. It’ll all get better quite soon after the “procedure” and you will feel like yourself again.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/09/2024 08:45

Unless you are ideologically opposed to termination, feel it would really affect you psychologically, or feel as though you would really like to have a child alone, I would get one.

It’s always a very hard choice, but I can’t see this guy stepping up at all - you’d have to be fully prepared to do it alone, and it doesn’t sound like it’s the right time for you either.

(NB I’m not opposed to it, and doesn’t sound like you are, but thought it was important to caveat, as some women would never feel happy with the idea for themselves)

Octopies · 11/09/2024 08:59

He sounds like a self absorbed headfuck. Wants casual, but then wants to make you feel bad about having an abortion whilst he's dating other women? Even if he'd got drunk and emotional, I'd expect some sort of apology for trying to manipulate you once he'd sobered up. I would let him know your decision, then block him.

BackForABit · 11/09/2024 10:09

Jigglypop · 11/09/2024 08:19

True maybe I’m caught up in my feelings but I’d expect a message to see how I am or anything before ignoring me for another woman. I don’t know maybe I’m being irrational and too immature for a baby like someone said. But that’s how I feel

I don't think you're being irrational or immature at all. I know you were casual but he could have just stopped seeing other women (especially without discretion, all over social media) for a few days to let you process it all. He clearly just has no self control.

Also, sending videos of himself crying is super manipulative. Does he expect you to keep this baby (which you took reasonable precautions to prevent), grow it in your body, risk giving birth to it and presumably rear it yourself for 18+ years because he might like the idea of having a child while still going out and meeting other women? I understand why you discussed it with him but he really doesn't get any say in this.

Jjiillkkf · 11/09/2024 10:13

PonyPatter44 · 11/09/2024 07:16

I think you're making exactly the right decision, fwiw. Go and have your abortion as quickly as possible, and block this clown while you're still angry at him.

Double up on your contraception if you need to, so you don't end up in this position again.

Or even better, don't have sex with people you wouldn't raise a child with. I do not understand why society is so encouraging of casual sex given the pain and loss of life it causes. Save it for someone who cares.

Sartre · 11/09/2024 10:14

If anything it should just cement your decision to terminate. It isn’t a serious relationship and he’s gladly still going out, possibly fucking other women. Don’t tie yourself to him forever, it isn’t worth it. I’d also just cut him off now.

Pictures50 · 11/09/2024 10:14

He's an absolute loser.
Don't be one of those poor women who get sucked into having a baby with a man they don't know.
Value your life and freedom.
When its gone its gone.
Men like this have no loyalty or commitment, it would be you alone whose life is blown up.

Bullet proof your contraception going forward.

Seas164 · 11/09/2024 10:15

Jigglypop · 11/09/2024 08:19

True maybe I’m caught up in my feelings but I’d expect a message to see how I am or anything before ignoring me for another woman. I don’t know maybe I’m being irrational and too immature for a baby like someone said. But that’s how I feel

Your expectations and reality aren't aligned, which is why this feels "weird".

You've made the right decision, bringing a child into this dynamic would be far from fair to them.

DadJoke · 11/09/2024 10:22

You really have dodged a bullet there - it’s good he showed you who he was early on.

Secradonugh · 11/09/2024 13:27

Jigglypop · 11/09/2024 08:19

True maybe I’m caught up in my feelings but I’d expect a message to see how I am or anything before ignoring me for another woman. I don’t know maybe I’m being irrational and too immature for a baby like someone said. But that’s how I feel

I'd say you were niave, not immature. There is a huge difference. I would honestly say that you have made the right decision but hopefully have realised that casual relationships will always favour the male, not the female, because it's you who ends up having to make adult decisions. He doesn't, he can just move onto the next and expect you to make the decisions. He can say whatever he wants about wanting the baby, but he's proven he isn't in it for the long run by his actions.
Also if sperm got through, then so can may other things. get an STD check.

JFDIYOLO · 15/09/2024 12:53

He's living rent free in your head.

He's a sloppy maudlin drunk who's feeling much better after sobering up and now his real personality and habits are re-asserting themselves.

And it's none of your business what he does.

He's not your partner.

Separate out the baby situation from his private life.

Pertinentowl · 15/09/2024 12:56

Videoing himself crying is the kind of thing kids do in year ten. My advice to you is the same I give to my kids friends. Block anyone who attempts to manipulate you by sending you videos of them crying or s.h. Injuries.

JustAnotherUserHere · 15/09/2024 13:00

I'd do yourself a huge favour and don't tie yourself down to this guy. He doesnt seem like a good catch. Go on with what you've planned to do and to hell with his feelings or lack of, as he obviously doesn't exactly think of yours. Yes it hurts but it shows you who he is - take it and run with it.

beanii · 15/09/2024 13:08

Personally I'd have an abortion, end the relationship and move on.

Bigcat25 · 15/09/2024 13:17

He sounds like a manipulative liar.

I don't think you're too immature like the other poster said, it's understandably an upsetting time.

Noseybookworm · 15/09/2024 13:41

He sent you videos of himself crying? What a manipulative twat 🙄 you're doing the right thing for you, dump him and have a termination, hope you have a good friend to support you OP. Look after yourself lovely 💐

Hereforaglance · 15/09/2024 15:12

OK so it a casual/exclusive relationship you can't have both so that means one wants casual and one wa'ts exclusive and you are both to immature to communicate and talk to each other I guessing by your reply you want exclusive and was prob hoping he would drop everything and come running at the mention of a baby and you are annoyed that he hasn't done this there fore making him sound terrible also men are aloud to have thoughts feelings and emotions also

Lawzy24 · 15/09/2024 19:10

The fact you called the baby your carrying as "it" says it all ... The whole situation is gross

BreezyEagle · 15/09/2024 19:32

Hey OP I had the same situation at 22 we were together split up he said we should be casual as he doesn't go backwards 14 months later I find out I'm pregnant. He didn't want to know and had subsequently been dating other women without me knowing. It was a bitter pill to swallow but I terminated knowing I wanted someone dependable. I also realised I could not do casual and needed to adjust my standards and what I was willing to accept from a man. Huge hugs its hard to go through no matter what but you have to go with what your head is saying and not your heart xx

HeatherMac007 · 15/09/2024 19:40

Hi OP,
Being pregnant is a huge emotional roller coaster.
Considering a termination is a huge emotional roller coaster.
Please be kind to yourself. It's natural to be all over the place and feel sad, angry etc.
Yeah the situ isn't ideal and he doesn't sound like he's acted in an optimal way but he's possibly feeling all over the place just now too.
We all make mistakes in life!
My advice would be to not rush into a termination without having a proper talk through with a trusted person. Family member or close friend. Make sure it's really what you want to do. It's not your only option.
Sending hugs and best wishes. X