I never visit my sister

[badsisgoodsis]

So dsis and I are both in our forties. Not close growing up but got closer in late twenties when I had kids.

Shortly after my youngest was born (seven years ago) dsis decided to move 6 hours away. I was having a rough time as youngest was born disabled and required a lot of support. Plus our mum was ill and needed a lot of support.

Dsis came home every couple month to see me, parents and friends. She stays with me when she visits. This increased when mum was dying.

Within a couple months of mum dying the country locked down so we were unable to see much of dsis.

In 2022 we took our first holiday abroad in 8 years. Tricky with dds needs but had a lovely time.

In 2023 dsis invited us to visit (previously she had flat shared ) we agreed but she cancelled the week before due to the house needing building work. She suggested coming in 2024 but moved back into shared accommodation.

When she came to visit this summer she made comments about us never visiting and said she wouldn't be back until Xmas. .

I feel bad but my dd genuinely wouldn't have coped with journey when she was younger, then my mum was dying, then Lockdown. Plus she lives in a very expensive seaside town so would struggle to find low cost accommodation.

I've thought about going oct half term but it's a 12 hour round trip and the most I could probably afford is 4 days which I think would be a lot on dd . Plus dh can't get leave so I'd be coping on my own.

Aibu to never have visited my Dsis in 7 years.

Things like this, even if there’s reasons, can effect relationships. You’re making a decision not to visit her, she’d be justified to feel hurt.

Hi! The expensive beach town sounds like Brighton. I have relatives in Brighton and it’s a ten hour round trip for me. I see my DB and DSIL twice a year only. That’s with no kids and some disposable income. Travel and accommodation are about £200 for the travel and £100 per night for accommodation.

So I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. HOWEVER, I can also see that DSIS may feel like you don’t make an effort to see her. I suggest maybe you could go halves on her travel to see you? I guess it’s a ten hour round trip for her to see you too? Then you wouldn’t have to bust a gut going to her place but she’d feel like you’d made an effort.

Btw, I don’t think you’re not making an effort. I get it about your DD’s needs. I just think maybe there’s a compromise to please everyone.

I don’t agree, I think it’s completely understandable personally.

Bullshit.

She's just lacking in empathy.

She has zero responsibilities - including even a mortgage.

She's free, single and clueless.

What else is the OP supposed to have done?

Sister would have a point if it was just the OP. The daughter should come first. Regardless of anything else. If a grown woman can't deal with this, she needs to actually grow up.

Your DS is being harsh especially as she cancelled a booked in visit.

What? The op doesn’t say she’s childless (though sure you can infer that) and it doesn’t say she’s single. It also doesn’t say that the sister has said anything unempathetic other than being sad that her close sister hasn’t come visit.

Go stir shit elsewhere. This is a nice normal post.

Could you arrange a weekend half way between you and get an Airbnb?

You seem to really care for your sister and it’s clear she’d like you to come to see her life.

I think the non-aggressive people here have some good ideas. I’d personally plan to try visit next year even if it’s just for a weekend so maybe your DD can stay with your husband.

Could you combine the visit with a family holiday so your DH can take time off work?

You might also find more affordable accommodation out of walking distance of the town. Even a 5-10 minute drive from the town/beach might make a difference.

What else is going on. for her right now?

Could you commit to meeting half way?

Are you prepared to acknowlege how she feels and even though you can justify your situation - are you commited to resolving it to restore your relationship?

Could you visit without your DC?

Hi thanks she always stays with us. But I guess I could offer petrol?

@JustTalkToThem She is single and child free if that makes a difference

That's a lovely idea thank you

Possibly in school hols for a week we would struggle to find accommodation for less than £1000 anywhere in that area so it would be our only holiday. Dh and kids would prefer to go abroad

Another one with amazing 'detective' skills. To assume it is Brighton from 'expensive sea-side town' is miraculous.
I mean, yes, many costal towns seem 'cheap', some even cheap and 'tacky', but only to have Brighton as the conclusion

MI5 are going to head-hunt soon!

Can just you go and stay with your sister?

I guess she feels like she makes an effort and we don't?

We're not a big family just us and our dad but he's elderly and would not want to visit.

I'm not that fussed for going as it's easier for her to come here but I am aware we have gone abroad and prioritised that as well as attended occasional weddings/weekends away etc. (although closer to where we live)

I can see why she might feel low down on our priority.

If we could stay with her like she does us it be would make a huge difference

No she rents a room in someone's house so there's no room.

As you have a disabled child could you apply to charities for a grant for a holiday? My friend was awarded one. This could help pay for a break close to Dsis. x

I think it's not unreasonable you haven't visited given how expensive and difficult it is for a family with kids that are young or have additional needs. If she doesn't have a house, it's not like you'd be visiting to stay with her and see a lot of her. (Unfortunately, the reality is some people don't have living situations that make it easy or inviting for you to visit them.) Is it just that she thinks she's making all the effort or does she actually want to show you something in her town? It's not that long till Christmas now. I'd plan a trip near her town next year when it works for you and visit her on an excursion or two.

Er, I simply meant that I had connections with Brighton, not that OP’s DSIS lived in Brighton. I was only saying that I could relate.

The ball is in your court now - do you want to take an action to demonstrate that she is a priority to you in order to nourish your relationship for the future even though it might put you out?

Could you meet her half way for an overnight for example without the DC?

Maybe she also has some emotional needs - maybe her life is quite unsatisfying to be living in a house share as an older adult?

I second meeting half way without your dcs for a night or 2 nights.

It does sound like it would be quite an effort for you ; your DH would prefer to go abroad etc.

Can you go, on your own, even for a couple of nights plus travel time and bunk in with your sister? She is telling you, however subtly, that this is important to her.

Sometimes we may take family ties for granted - she will always be your sister -but I find it good to try to nurture the relationship , and I find we have more fun seeing each other if we both put an effort in.

I haven't stepped inside my sisters house in over 10 years. Yet she comes to mine 5-6 times a year. She lives about 45 minutes drive away.

The thing is, her and her partner are... not hoarders as such, but very untidy, dirty, and cluttered. And this was 10 years ago. It wasn't a house you'd want to go barefoot in. I don't think they've improved. They'd never say, but I think they're embarrassed. But not embarrassed enough to change. I've long since stopped asking for an invite, and accept that I'll only see my sister at mine, or at our mums.
Our mum hasn't seen inside her house since helping her move in 13-14 years ago. The only family who have visited was our cousin and her husband about 18 months ago, and only because DSis and partner needed his help replacing some lights and fixing the burglar alarm.