I never visit my sister

[badsisgoodsis]

So dsis and I are both in our forties. Not close growing up but got closer in late twenties when I had kids.

Shortly after my youngest was born (seven years ago) dsis decided to move 6 hours away. I was having a rough time as youngest was born disabled and required a lot of support. Plus our mum was ill and needed a lot of support.

Dsis came home every couple month to see me, parents and friends. She stays with me when she visits. This increased when mum was dying.

Within a couple months of mum dying the country locked down so we were unable to see much of dsis.

In 2022 we took our first holiday abroad in 8 years. Tricky with dds needs but had a lovely time.

In 2023 dsis invited us to visit (previously she had flat shared ) we agreed but she cancelled the week before due to the house needing building work. She suggested coming in 2024 but moved back into shared accommodation.

When she came to visit this summer she made comments about us never visiting and said she wouldn't be back until Xmas. .

I feel bad but my dd genuinely wouldn't have coped with journey when she was younger, then my mum was dying, then Lockdown. Plus she lives in a very expensive seaside town so would struggle to find low cost accommodation.

I've thought about going oct half term but it's a 12 hour round trip and the most I could probably afford is 4 days which I think would be a lot on dd . Plus dh can't get leave so I'd be coping on my own.

Aibu to never have visited my Dsis in 7 years.

I think you need to be honest and cover the following;

You appreciate the time and £ and effort it costs her to visit you.

You can't justify the £1k and time it would cost to visit and that would then be your only holiday for the year. Plus it's a difficult journey with DDs needs.

You would love to see more of here is there a compromise and suggest meeting half way or you contributing to her travel costs. Does she usually drive? Could you fund a train or flight?

OP says she lives in shared accommodation which is why she couldn't stay with her. That unlikely with a partner or child.

I don't think she would want me to share her space. On my own would be easier and cheaper though

I don’t think your post was a ‘nice normal’ one. I thought it was a spiteful post in its passive aggressiveness to OP. She has explained the reasons why hasn’t been able to visit.

Did you miss that the sister gets free accommodation (and free meals) at OP’s home when she visits?

And yet OP is being expected to stump up for expensive accommodation in her sister’s home town?

Lots of helpful replies. I'm pleased no one thinks I'm awful and lots of helpful suggestions.

Do this if you can and you think for the longer term your relationship with your sister is worth investing in.

Is she going through a difficult life stage herself - maybe contemplating unwanted childlessness, not in a relationship, unstable finances/career?

She might need listening support?

I don't think yabu to not have visited given the circumstances but I do think now that you know it’s important to her you should skip travelling abroad for one year to visit her.

I obviously don’t know your sister’s circumstances but I’d guess she may not be single, childless and living in shared accommodation entirely by choice and it it might be rubbing salt in the wound that she feels stuck putting all the effort in due to your (in her eyes) better fortune

YANBU
I don't think she has considered you're in such different circumstances to her.
Could you all go on holiday together?

My family haven't visited in 7 years. It's always up to me to visit them. I have a 7 and 8 year old and I travel to them. I've literally begged them to come. They go on abroad holidays so they can travel. I think they know they are damaging the relationship but don't care.. From my perspective they aren't my support network anymore. I doubt they would come if I was in hospital or worse. I suppose actions can show alot. I visited them in hospital or just after. Appreciate your circumstances may be different but do consider the signal you are sending her. Better to travel when she is fit and well to keep the bond, as she may wander at what point you would ever show up for her.

There must be a nice town/city that's approximately half-way between you? I'd suggest meeting for a short-break half-way? It's not as far for all involved. Your husband may be able to come to help with your child too. It would probably work out a little cheaper, if away from the coast. I live on the South coast (not Brighton) and it's just as expensive!

You're not being unreasonable as you can't share her space (shares a room) but she obviously feels less loved because of it so I second the suggestion of the 2 of you meeting up for a couple of nights if that was a possibility. If she shares a room perhaps her disposable income is low and she'd appreciate you going halves on her petrol when she visits (suggested upthread). Could you have a good 121 and decide on what works best?

I’ll offer my perspective here as the child-free sister- I’ve lived a three hour train ride from my family for the last six years and haven’t once been visited by my sister who has two children. I will often do this as a day trip (and in fact am doing so to attend my niece’s Christening next week as I can’t get time off work but am extremelY keen to maintain a presence in my niece and nephew’s life). This was the case a couple of years before she had children, then the kids came along. I had also moved back to the UK so I could see more of family as once or twice a year wasn’t enough for me.

I don’t expect a visit even once a year, but nothing in six years is a clear message regarding where she sits in your life, particularly if she is witnessing you make time for weddings and trips abroad. Of course I understand my sister’s children are her priority, but we’re not talking the other side of the world here, and to be blunt yes it does portray a very clear message. You do you, but please understand she will be hurt by this and it won’t be un-noticed. I’ve dealt with my own struggles in the last few years and honestly I will be eternally grateful to close friends who have supported me, and will never be able to forgive the family members who didn’t feel me going through the worst time in my life was worth a three hour train journey to offer support.

So often childless single people are just expected to slot into everyone else’s lives and I’m happy to take on the burden of the majority of travelling and expense to maintain relationships. There is a limit to that generosity however and after several years she is well within her rights to stop reciprocating the effort.