To cut ties with my mum

[CamFoz]

A little background before I explain my current situation: I'm 31 years old and have been with my partner for
2 and a half years. We've just had a baby together and bought a house after renting. Up until I moved in with my partner, I lived with my parents as I was saving for a deposit. My mum is 75.

I believe my mum is a narcissist, or at least has a lot of narcissistic tendencies, as I don't like to throw that word around lightly. She never really wanted me to move out from the family home, who she lives in now just with my dad, i know this because we have had discussions in my early and mid twenties were she would get so angry with me if I said I wanted to eventually move out. She seemed to take it very personally.

Fast forward to when I met my current partner, I moved in with him fairly quickly, after about 2 months, however we are extremely good together and he's never had a red flag, he is the most supportive caring person. It was an easy decision, and 2 years later, I have no regrets. I think I also moved in with him so fast to escape my mum, although I wasn't aware of it at the time.

When I first went on a date with my partner and told my mum about it, bear in mind I was 29 at the time, she got mad at me - kept saying I was waxing on about him and how pathetic it was- I wasn't overly talking about him at all, I simply told her what he was like. But I did really like him and, of course, wanted to share that. My mum was obviously the wrong person to tell. She was also very angry about me moving out, I could understand her thinking it was pretty quick, but we had a huge arguement and she would refuse to come to my new place which I shared with my partner for a good few weeks after we moved in.

Since then, she seems to have it in for my partner. She never has a good word to say about him. He has tried to build a relationship with her, asked her to lunch, and made an effort to always be polite and make conversation. She will come to lunch and chat with him perfectly normally. But then she will slag him off constantly to me and my sister. She has no problem with my sister's boyfriend.

Her dislike and bitchyness has become really bad since I've had a baby (now 2 months old). She keeps insisting the baby looks like me, and he's more like our family than it is my partners. She made me feel like I was pathetic for letting his last name be after my partners. She even has given my partner evil looks when he has been holding and cooing with his son. So he feels incredibly uncomfortable around her. It's at the point where if I mention him to her, she'll say something negative. She came to mine the other day and referred to my partner not by his name but as my 'boyfriend', such as 'oh you went out with your boyfriend on Friday did you' (he wasn't there at the time). It is just constant and he has done nothing to provoke it. He works in the Navy, and the last few months she was asking when he is leaving to go on ship, continually. Now he is at sea, and it's like she thinks she'll have more access to her grandchild or more rights over him... idk.

My partner came home for the weekend last week and she was really annoyed by it, making snide comments, as if it would stop her from spending time with her grandchild (she has always been very welcome round ours, anytime, she just doesn't want my partner there it seems)

Besides all of this, when she isn't continually trying to demean him and our relationship, she and I have always been very close and got on very well. I hate a bad atmosphere, so I tend to let a lot slide. When I do call her out, she says I'm imagining it or she plays the victim.

Anyway, my partner has hinted about proposing (we have always talked about marriage happening), I am unsure when he will, but possibly in the next 2 years, if I could guess. I am just dreading telling her when he does, as she will have some backhanded comment to say, im sure. Even more worrying, I feel like I couldn't get romantic or soppy at our wedding, as she would roll her eyes and suggest I'm pathetic or making a fool of myself.

Does anyone else have a similar mother? Or advice? I feel like a lot of people might suggest I cut her off entirely. But that is not in my nature, plus she is getting older now. Also, when my partner is at sea, I don't have much other support other than my mum and sister.

She sounds hard work - but I guess it is worth remembering that accepting her hospitality enabled you to save for a home, so maybe you owe her some level of tolerance. Not easy I know.

I think you need to call her out on it.
I don't like it when you say xyz . It makes me uncomfortable.
I don't feel it's your place to say xyz .
Perhaps you could reconsider your viewpoint on xyz . I find your comments negative and they upset me .
I don't agree with what you just said .

Gently stick up for yourself. For him , for your choices . It doesn't have to be a big confrontation. But stand your ground x

I'm not going to talk this with you. Worked well for me too x

I wouldn't cut her out but I would stop inviting her to yours and meeting your partner. He doesn't deserve to be treated like that.

I would meet her in a neutral place like a cafe and leave if she acts up. I wouldn't talk about anything personal and if she makes snide remarks ask her to stop. If she doesn't then leave.

Hard to tell but reading between the lines maybe she thought your relationship started too quickly & perhaps she knew this was something to do with you wanting a quick exit.
Where is your dad in all of this?

My dad and partner get on great. But, my dad is too scared to say anything to my mum regarding her behaviour. She has shut him down for years, since I was a child she has tried to make sure we were never close. So he just keeps to himself.

I feel like a lot of people might suggest I cut her off entirely. But that is not in my nature, plus she is getting older now

It might not be in your nature but she's putting you in a situation where you have to choose between her and your DH. And if you want your marriage to last you have to choose him.

You shouldn't be 'letting a lot slide' you should be standing up for him every time. Telling her that you love him, you're happy, and if she can't accept that she's not welcome in your life.

How many threads on here do we read that an MIL is being nasty about her DIL but her husband doesn't defend her. She's told she has a DH problem. Don't let your husband have a DW problem.

I WOULD cut her off in your position. She is not giving you any respect as an adult - well done for getting out of the family home.

Are you an only child? If you keep her in your life, you risk all you have now. She likely plans to drive a wedge between you and your partner so you and your baby will end up back living with her.

It is a tricky one as, ideally, a child would grow up knowing Grandparents but this sounds toxic, it really does.

Say “I do not like it when you are disrespectful to my partner. He is your GC’s dad, and I am staying with him, If you want to be part of my life you need to treat him with respect.”

Do not respond when she is defensive. Ask her if she agrees to be respectful.

if she does, then give her a chance and call out any bad behaviour.

If not, stay away until she agrees.

So she's also always tried to cut you off from your DF too. She's jealous and possessive of your relationship with her. How was she with your other friends growing up ? She sounds insecure and toxic.

You don't owe anyone toleration of their abuse for any reason.
Please don't think that because she allowed you to live at home you should now tolerate constant criticism.
I hope you do cut contact with her.
I know it's very very hard. I know you probably love her very much. She is trying to undermine your relationship because she feels her power over your life slipping away.

Although she sounds nasty and I certainly wouldn't be letting any nasty comments slide, she does have a point about your baby's surname.

What does your partner want? Is he suggesting you cut her off? To me it sounds like it's coming out wrong but she's worried about you moving so fast and possibly regretting him? Moving in after two months is fast. A baby after a year is fast. You don't know him fully yet and you are not married. You said he's hinting at engagement that's so immature and a bit manipulative! You have a discussion or possibly not but he either wants to propose or doesn't why play games with your head. Financially what's his position? You have saved a deposit for a house, you haven't mentioned previous partners or you haven't lived with them. You could very well naïvely be walking into him taking half your money and leaving you with a baby.

So yeah she sounds like she's handling it badly but she's worried about you? The comments seem to be about your feelings and responses to boyfriend rather than being nasty about him? She said bf rather than his name but that's not a terrible thing. I think the fact you acknowledge you need her support when he's away is important. I had a nasty ex who isolated me from friends and family and then I was lonely and stuck and when we finally split there was not many left to help, he also moved in with me very fast when I own my home and he had no savings splitting up he wanted half my house I only kept it because I had the baby he impregnated me with asap- so I'm always wary of men's behaviour now and do see red flags in posts due to my own history

@CamFoz when your dm says bf just say you mean x, his name is x.
If she gets defensive then refuse to engage. She knows what she's doing.

Thank you for your reply, and I completely understand where you're coming from given the information I've shared and your past experiences. I do agree we moved in quickly. But he really is incredibly supportive. And although, yes, I don't know 100% if things might go south with him, I do trust him. Of course my mum doesn't maybe see the relationship from my perspective, and I get that. Financially, he earns significantly more than me. He also has a son from a previous relationship, who he has a great relationship with and is incredibly involved in his life, he also co parents very maturely with his mum. So i dont think he would leave me with the baby. From what I've experienced, he has very good morals. He hasn't hinted at engagement, we have had long discussion, with him saying he wants to marry me, and that engagement will happen (obviously if I'm also on board and want this). The hinting is only with regards to when, almost as a heads up to me.

My partner does not want me to cut her off at all, and although he is angry at times about her treatment towards me, he often says 'you only get one mum,' and thinks I should stand up for myself more. Despite her treatment of him, he still treats her with respect and tries to make conversation.

The examples I have given are the most recent things she has said. She has also commented on his parents' jobs, not being 'middle class' enough; The fact he is working class must means he can't possibly understand being academic or must never have read a book (despite him have a great work ethic and a high paid job). She's commented on the way he looks and dresses. She has tried to suggest he's out cheating on me in the past. And that he'll eventually leave me. She has not reason to think any of this.

When I have defended him, she ridicules me for this, saying I think the sun shines out his ass.

She hasn't had the best experience with men in the past. Her first husband cheated on her. So I understand why she has some of her views. But I feel this is no excuse to make me feel so utterly bad for having chosen him as my partner, and making him feel bad also.

After having been through a similar thing, I’d cut her off OP

If my mum bad mouthed my dh then she would be told to stop, he treats you well, is a great partner and dad, he has a job, works hard etc, there is no need to bad mouth him.

I wouldn’t cut contact but I’d definitely be taking a step back and she wouldn’t ever be having my child alone. I don’t want my child hearing either of their parents being bad mouthed by anyone.

If not cut her off then keep her very much at arms length. There's no easy way out or through this, and it very much is down to what you're personally willing to put up with, and how much your own peace and your partnership is impacted by her.

If you do have to interact with her and she makes a comment you feel is unreasonable, you could try something like,

I don't get it, can you explain what you mean?

You're scapegoat, your sister is possibly golden child, your father has enabled it all. Most importantly, you're not making it up!

So you are going to cut ties with your family when you have a partner who is away for months at a time and you have no other support?
This sounds like such a knee jerk and immature reaction to me.

Maybe your mum sees things in him that you do not? TBH I find the "he's making hints that he might propose in 2 years" a bit odd. Does she maybe think that he is shy of commitment or stringing you along?
Re the throwing dirty glances at your partner? Did you witness this or did he report it? Are you absolutely sure that he isn't fuelling the situation with her?

If you can look at the situation objectively and say that honestly he is the man that you believe him to be and that it is entirely her behaviour that is out of order then you need to sit her down and confront her.
Discuss and work things out.
Don't just cut her out of your life without giving her a chance to change. To do so also denies your son a grandmother.

As a separate note, it sounds like you and your boy would really benefit from a larger support network. Do you have friends? Other mothers that you can bounce ideas off? Would you consider joining groups where you could meet people and build your support network, it's not healthy to be so dependent on your DM.
Also consider building your confidence and assertiveness so that you can confront issues rather than letting them fester until they explode.

My DM is like this about my DH. She can’t abide him and he doesn’t really like her other now.
I manage it by limiting family events and interaction between them. I tend to see my DM on my own or with the DC. My DH is perfectly welcoming and polite when my DM comes over but because he did a couple of small things she didn’t like (like letting her get the bus in the rain rather than driving her home one time) she literally cannot stand him. He’s not perfect but beyond being thoughtless once in a while he’s not bad, but the dislike is there and it’s not going away.

So my advice is have the relationship with your DM, and next time she slags off your DH, just telL her to stop. It didn’t stop my DM completely but it did make her cut back

Could you get some outside help to stand up for yourself and your DP a bit more op? I'm thinking a counsellor or assertiveness course. As others have said you need to calmly push back when she's saying unpleasant things. I suggest you get engaged, prepare yourself for the push back and just keep stating things like 'DP is a great father', 'I disagree with what you are saying' 'I understand that you think x,y,z but I don't agree'. It could be that your mother is concerned about the fact that you aren't married but do have a child. She has been let down in a relationship and may be concerned about your lack of security. You sound quite passive - waiting for your partner to propose 'in the next couple of years?' Your Mum sounds mean and your DP sounds great but you need to get much more assertive about what's acceptable.

Please order and read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward - it's a life saver & an eye opener for those with toxic parents like your mother. There's a companion book by her called Toxic In-laws which your partner may want to read or you can read together.

Your mother is poisonous and you deserved better. Your father is her enabler and, while can't be completely condemned, he has also harmed you and your siblings by 'doing nothing' and has a supporting toxic parental position in this.
You are not responsible for her life, reactions and future. She likes it this way for her own reasons and is possibly the product of toxic parenting herself but don't ever allow this to make you feel sorry for her or your father. Parental toxicity feeds on each generation and needs each generation to use the toxic template to propagate it into the next one. It can be a never ending cycle until one generation stops it and says no more and I think that this is you.
You need to stop feeding her information on your day to day life. You need to limit contact with her for you and DC. You need to make sure that she doesn't then target your DC once she realises that you're withdrawing.
I could only stop the toxic parenting cycle by cutting all contact but I did give my mother chances to behave normally but she couldn't help herself and blew it every time.

Please at the very least read Toxic Parents because your mother will not be content until she's wrecked your relationship and you're back firmly under her roof and control.

She sounds very insecure, can I ask what do you want to do about it?
Narcissism term is way overused. Could be your mum is just extremely insecure, or just unpleasant, but you know her.
Personally I would just ignore or ask her why she feels the need to criticise & nit pick. Could she be very protective of you, I don't know what else to suggest

Its an interesting one this. I cut my mother off because she was horrible to me, but seemingly fine with everyone else.

She seems to be just very insecure and protective over you, but it's not acceptable to be like this so given that she seems to want to protect you, can you not make it absolutely clear her behaviour is unacceptable, that it's hurting you too?

Just a thought.

Your mother is a abusing all of you. You, your partner and your father and she will abuse your child. She's engaging in triangulation and she will not stop.

You need to put a lot of distance between you and her.