To think I am a complete useless liability

[UtterlyhadenoughofThis]

I am the kind of person that you would think from the outside has "the perfect life", always smiling. I am the person that always listens to the problems of others, and had one friend imparticular that used me as an "Agony Aunt." The support never went the other way, I was used when her life wasn't going well.

I am a person to come see with problems, but a backup plan for anything else. I supported my parents, no support went the other way as unfortunately they had their reasons, and dh's family are estranged.

I left work after maternity leave for my youngest child which wasn't the original plan. I became unwell, and had no outside support, and this coupled with a developmentally delayed baby, which we now know is ND, was the best thing all around. I had to be there for my baby, and was just so tired beyond words, exhausted.

I plodded on trying to be "Supermum," placing my own needs on the back burner. I did everything for my child, my husband being the sole earner did everything he could as well. I wasn't sleeping (more than a sleep deprived Mum of a bad sleeping baby). I now know this was because I was having seizures in my sleep, and post ictal and prodrome symptoms/mini seizures through the day. It turned out when I was diagnosed with epilepsy in 2022 after collapsing unconscious in the bathroom in the middle of the night, that I had been having focal seizures, which had progressed to tonic clonic. Dh called an ambulance, because he thought I had died at one point. Apparently I have had this all of my adult life, and so much makes sense now.

Since then I have been on different strong medications, feeling a bit like a guinea pig, and still they aren't fully under control. My youngest child (who I had, because I thought "the panic attacks" that I now know were seizures had gone) has now gone to school.

My df died last year in distressing circumstances, was too young to die, and had suffered from generalised anxiety for most of his life, getting worse as he got older. I watched him go to nothing, from a strong man to emaciated. I love him so much, but it couldn't save him in the end. I never asked a thing of him, yet still he was to die, he was a bloody good person.

My parents were divorced. My dm I have had to parent as she has needed a lot of emotional support, we have never had the typical close mother daughter relationship. I could could never talk to her.

Now here I am, "one of those women whose children are both in school and have no job." I want a job, I bloody do, I had such ambition, felt driven, and a hunger/fire to succeed growing up, went to uni, wanted to make something of my life. I always worked hard, up until my first baby.

This condition has made me utterly miserable. I just want it fully under control. I am now feeling depressed, and like an anxious wreck. I have never been a depressed person, and really do not recognise myself. I still get ready, but make up on, and smile when I take my children to school, but I am dying inside. I dread the question from other Mums "what do you do now your youngest is in school?" Thankfully, nobody has asked this "yet." I probably look like I work when I do the school run. I feel like a fraud. Dh did not sign up for this shit.

I don't know what I even want from this post. I am no kind of role model for my dcs. It is all such a mess. It isn't okay for me to not to be okay ,because people have far worse to cope with. The advice I give to other I can't accept myself. I just want to work, and I don't want to be this pathetic person anymore.

I'm so sorry you're left feeling the way you do. Epilepsy is a bastard illness and takes away so much.

While your seizures are still getting under control, is there any work or volunteering that you can do from home or without driving?

You have coped with so much over the last few years, in all honesty you are the complete opposite of a "useless liability". You sound so angry, unfairly , with yourself. I don't know if you're depressed, or if you would benefit from therapy or if the best thing for you is to find a job you enjoy, maybe all three. I do think you could consider what kind of job you want , hours etc and maybe make a plan from there.

The plan should include as a first step a full medical check up, really just to to ensure you're on best medications for your epilepsy etc and to see if you need any help for anxiety or depression etc.

Wishing you all the best.

I am so sorry you feel like this. You know it’s ok to have kids in school and not work. I know mn would have you believe that’s not the case and that everyone should be financially controbuting to the house and their own pension but you and your dh are able to make the decision for you to stay home if you want. Or until you feel better and more in control. If getting a job would help then that’s not a hard thing to do either. I’m sure i you could do a post grad or something similar if you want to go back into your profession and that will make you current again. Either way. Nobody at school gates will care if you’re working or not.

Thank you @UnhappyAndYouKnowIt I have no idea what I would do, because I don't know how I would be health wise. Dh thinks I should make one of my passions into a business, he says this is a unique opportunity, and I am lucky. I know this, I am so lucky and do not deserve this life. My drive, and spark has gone out, and I feel I could just start running (forest gump) style with no end in sight, until I disappear into oblivion.

You need to be confident that your epilepsy is as well controlled as it can be first. Then start looking for things that make you happy, have a go at a various volunteer roles in case there's something there that you hadn't thought of before, look at improving your fitness/strength, getting some sleep.

There's plenty of time to be working your arse off again in the future once things are on a more even keel and you've had halfway decent sleep for the first time in years.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. You have really hit the nail on the head, I am furious at myself, absolutely furious. It is like I am an invader in my own life if that makes sense. Who is this person? I need a holiday from myself. I just keep it all in, because feel I have no right to complain, and life is what you make of it. I worry I am going down my df's road, maybe I am genetically predisposed to mental health issues. I can't drink because of the epilepsy, but feel like I could atm, I don't feel in control.

You sound overwhelmed with everything that's happened to you. A bit of time out from work sounds like the right thing to do in my opinion, while you process everything.

You sound like a great role model to your DCs. Why does your being a role model to them hinge on you working right now? I'm sure you've contributed positively to their lives in myriad ways, and they won't look back and think "ugh, mum didn't get a job immediately we started school."

Re. the bit where you said it's not okay for you not to be okay, because others have it much worse. That is not how that works and I think deep down you probably know that, but it chimed with me because that's the first thing I say to myself when I'm struggling. Many, many people have told me it's nonsense, so let me be the first (or actually, hopefully not the first!) to say it to you ☺️

I think you need to put yourself first for a bit. Get some therapy if you think it will help, do a hobby that you enjoy (doesn't have to be anything groundbreaking or particularly energetic - just going for walks or an online book club or taking yourself for a cinema date once a fortnight etc), and step back on providing emotional support to everyone else.

It's really hard coming to terms with an illness, so I really feel for you, and I'm sorry for your loss too.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I do feel overwhelmed, but in feeling that way, it makes me weak. I have been strong all of my life, I think when df died, it hammered it home that we are not in control, so what is the point. I do walk loads, jog etc, walk about 13-16,000 steps a day (when I'm not unwell) with not driving. It used to help, but lately not so much. My physical fitness is good, mental not so much.
Yes exactly, I hate moaning because people have to go through unspeakable things and they survive, they hold their head high. Then, here I am, and I honestly want to give myself a good shake.

Dh thinks I need to pick up my hobbies again too, and to start with that. I need my drive back.

You really need to cut yourself some slack.

You have had 4 very big events in your life in a short space of time.

You had a baby (like changing no matter what the circumstances).

Your little one had development delays (stressful & worrying no doubt especially before diagnosis).

You were diagnosed with epilepsy.

Your father died.

That is a hell of a lot to deal with. Sometimes survival is a success.

Things appear to be turning for you.
Take it one step at a time.
Do you thing therapy would help.
Do you think a job plan would help.

I also think you are underestimating your position as a mother. That's a job in itself and one of the most difficult ones. You don't have to work if you don't want to either.

I think the idea of seeing if a hobby can become a business is a very good one. Being self employed will allow you more flexibility.

Two of my friends have epilepsy. One was a medical sales rep who can no longer drive. He now trains sales reps, does all of their certification training, videos etc. Another is an artist, mainly commissions. Her work is good so mainly flexibility in terms of deadlines so she manages it around this. There are options. It will exclude you from some roles but there are still a lot available to you.

You are not "a completely useless liability". I'm sorry but that's a horrible way to talk about yourself. I really hope you can see it's very far from the truth.

You've been in survival mode. It's very difficult to adjust afterwards. It will take time.

It is not weak to feel overwhelmed. It is human. Read what you said in the original post as if a friend wrote it, how would you respond? Give yourself the empathy you would give to another in your shoes.
Set yourself some small goals, keep up the fitness, get some therapy, pick up some hobbies and volunteer as others have said.
Life is tough, and you’ve had a lot to deal with - you’re doing amazing! Life is also wonderful and you deserve to enjoy it so start making that happen. Good luck!

Thank you for your kind words, the survival mode term really hits home. I am always in this mode. I am very tough on myself, it is like a default switch. I had two babies both in special care, dc1 had sepsis at birth but we caught it in time, so he survived. Dc2 had to be delivered early, so had some breathing issues at first. Despite this I smiled, got dressed, some makeup a couple of hours after, and acted like I hadn't had a baby, walked all of the way to the unit, despite being in pain, but i was "great." The nurse on the ward said "oh I wouldn't even know you have had a baby, is he yours?"

I now think why am I like this? What is wrong with me? Why do I continually act like it is all unicorns and rainbows, when bad things happen? It is like I am a robot. One of the midwives said to me you know it is okay if you're struggling, you don't need to be okay all of the time. She could see it.

Your friends have done amazingly well thank you for sharing, it gives me hope. My hobbies are books, baking, and writing. I haven't baked since df died, other than my dc's birthday cakes. I can't read books anymore, it is like I am punishing myself. I don't know what is wrong with me!

Oh and get audio books for your walks, great way to get back into reading. I’m listening to Tom Lake by Ann Patchett atm (Meryl Streep narrating it!) and it is absolutely wonderful

Oh I love Meryl Streep! That is a great idea. I usually listen to music, but this is may be counter productive, as when I am frustrated I can chose a certain genre that puts me into "I want to run and not stop" mode.

I am struggling to show myself grace, I don't know why. Maybe there is something deep rooted.

Thank you for your replies. This thread has helped me to realise I am in a constant state of hypervigilance, I can't relax and have no idea how long I have been this way. My default is survival mode, and I do not know how to switch this off. My epilepsy isn't as bad as it was, not controlled, but milder seizures. I have all of this time now, and I am feeling miserable. I walk my young children to school, then come home and think "what now?" I had all of these plans to decorate, sort the house out, do courses online, bake, read, find some sort of hobby created from home job. This should be a dream. Housework is boring, have to force myself to do it, and cook (because this is the least I can contribute). Dh is in a high stress job, and I am a shit wife.
Imagine a man coming on saying he did what I do, while his wife worked. I am a failure, I do wonder why I am alive, I'm not living, I just exist (for some unknown reason). There are people who add far more value to society, and they die, why am I here? Then my poor df, I promised him I would be strong. I'm not, I'm a failure.

What do you act like it's unicorns and rainbows?

It's a typical self preservation & survival method. Some people break down, other turn to drink/drugs etc and other go into survival mode. It's a coping mechanism.

A lot of people do this, me including. I'm excellent in a crisis or with a bereavement etc but the minute everyone else is recovering, that's when I fall apart.

I was at a talk once where someone said "optimism is a survival method". Never heard it put like that before but there's definitely a ring of truth to it.

I hate moaning because people have to go through unspeakable things and they survive, they hold their head high.

But do you think these people aren't suffering? Maybe they're just putting on their "unicorns and rainbows" face for your benefit, and everyone else's. It's normal to struggle through hard circumstances. Maybe they're pretending too.

But even if you're right and they are coping well, maybe that's because they're being kind to themselves, getting the help they need, relying on their loved ones when they need to etc. Everyone needs help sometimes. Successful people are those who get the right help at the right time.

Yes exactly this. My df was dying, and there I was talking to the bloody nurse about her shifts, and how tiring it is for her. In my defence I was probably in shock, and didn't know he would die at that point, but he was in a very bad way, not conscious. There is definately something wrong with me.

I won't let dh hug me when I am upset, as it makes me feel like I will implode. Yes optimism, I would always look for a positive, at least this, or at least that. Other people get my sympathy, it isn't something I give to myself.

I now wonder if I am cracking finally. If I didn't have epilepsy I would want to get drunk, I know I can't for my children. I am on strong meds too.

If you had a friend in your situation, would you be so hard on her? Of course not. You would realise she had a severe illness and was doing the best she could. Be kinder to yourself. A cliche, but in this case, very true.

OP, sorry if I'm barking up the wrong tree but you've mentioned things like oblivion, not wanting to be you, wondering why you're alive, not feeling in control etc, so just saying it just in case. If you feel in crisis, please reach out to someone.

You can call Samaritans on 116 123, or you can text SHOUT to 85258.

I was just going to say exactly this. You are being ridiculously hard on yourself, and it is not clear why. Give yourself a break, and come up with a plan of what you want to do now, and how you can do it.

You are absolutely right. I think it is such an important thing to get help, I encourage everybody to do this.
I tried to fix my df all of his life, trying to help him, he got to the point he gave up on help because he thought it was pointless, and he was just on so many meds he was immune to them. I kept trying to get him to be honest with the doctors, but it had all gone on too long.

I remember the day of my neurology appointment I almost cancelled it, I told dh I was wasting the doctors time there was nothing wrong with me, it was just panic. I perfusely apologised to the doctor, who put me straight on medication because of the risk of sudep which baffled me because "I was fine."
Even falling to the floor unconscious and I was fine.

Thank you, I am going to try. My dm keeps telling me to take time for myself, because i haven't had any child free time in years. I don't know why I want to punish myself, I just feel undeserving, and like I am lazy.
I wonder if I have a deep instilled childhood hangup, I don't know what makes people like me. I wish I knew why, so I could fix it.

Thank you for your concern. I know it is hard to tell on here, and it is best to be safe than sorry. I wouldn't do anything silly, I love my children too much, I want to watch them grow if i am lucky enough. I do have some feelings of being a bit lost in life, and disappearing etc, but more in a hopeless way if that makes sense; no intent or anything like that.

It is more like my light has gone out, I feel deflated. I used to be such a bright person, then when life kicked in, and my brightness dimmed I put on a facade of a happy person. Now I am struggling to maintain the facade, it is slipping. I don't know if since my df died possibly something has changed in me, just a lot of changes in a relatively short time frame.

Thank you to everybody who has taken the time to read my silly thread.
I appreciate all of your kind words, and have read them all.

I am sorry to hear you feel like this, I felt a similar way when my youngest started school, you would also never have never known it from talking to me.

I also have a medical condition similar to epilepsy and can't drive due to it so felt incredibly limited as it made not only getting to a job difficult but collecting children around that almost impossible.

I was lucky and Covid hit meaning working from home became the norm and I got a minimum wage admin job working from home for 2 hours a day. Long story short but I worked very hard and am now in a management position and well thought of so they let me arrange my hours around my illness.

What you have been through is incredibly difficult to manage and you are doing amazingly well. I don't really have any advice, but want you to know that things can get better.