To think I am a complete useless liability

[UtterlyhadenoughofThis]

I am the kind of person that you would think from the outside has "the perfect life", always smiling. I am the person that always listens to the problems of others, and had one friend imparticular that used me as an "Agony Aunt." The support never went the other way, I was used when her life wasn't going well.

I am a person to come see with problems, but a backup plan for anything else. I supported my parents, no support went the other way as unfortunately they had their reasons, and dh's family are estranged.

I left work after maternity leave for my youngest child which wasn't the original plan. I became unwell, and had no outside support, and this coupled with a developmentally delayed baby, which we now know is ND, was the best thing all around. I had to be there for my baby, and was just so tired beyond words, exhausted.

I plodded on trying to be "Supermum," placing my own needs on the back burner. I did everything for my child, my husband being the sole earner did everything he could as well. I wasn't sleeping (more than a sleep deprived Mum of a bad sleeping baby). I now know this was because I was having seizures in my sleep, and post ictal and prodrome symptoms/mini seizures through the day. It turned out when I was diagnosed with epilepsy in 2022 after collapsing unconscious in the bathroom in the middle of the night, that I had been having focal seizures, which had progressed to tonic clonic. Dh called an ambulance, because he thought I had died at one point. Apparently I have had this all of my adult life, and so much makes sense now.

Since then I have been on different strong medications, feeling a bit like a guinea pig, and still they aren't fully under control. My youngest child (who I had, because I thought "the panic attacks" that I now know were seizures had gone) has now gone to school.

My df died last year in distressing circumstances, was too young to die, and had suffered from generalised anxiety for most of his life, getting worse as he got older. I watched him go to nothing, from a strong man to emaciated. I love him so much, but it couldn't save him in the end. I never asked a thing of him, yet still he was to die, he was a bloody good person.

My parents were divorced. My dm I have had to parent as she has needed a lot of emotional support, we have never had the typical close mother daughter relationship. I could could never talk to her.

Now here I am, "one of those women whose children are both in school and have no job." I want a job, I bloody do, I had such ambition, felt driven, and a hunger/fire to succeed growing up, went to uni, wanted to make something of my life. I always worked hard, up until my first baby.

This condition has made me utterly miserable. I just want it fully under control. I am now feeling depressed, and like an anxious wreck. I have never been a depressed person, and really do not recognise myself. I still get ready, but make up on, and smile when I take my children to school, but I am dying inside. I dread the question from other Mums "what do you do now your youngest is in school?" Thankfully, nobody has asked this "yet." I probably look like I work when I do the school run. I feel like a fraud. Dh did not sign up for this shit.

I don't know what I even want from this post. I am no kind of role model for my dcs. It is all such a mess. It isn't okay for me to not to be okay ,because people have far worse to cope with. The advice I give to other I can't accept myself. I just want to work, and I don't want to be this pathetic person anymore.

OP, you have insulted yourself in every post!

Would you allow someone else speak to you that what? Would you speak to anyone else in such a derogatory manner?

If you make no other short term changes but that, stop being so nasty to yourself and harsh on yourself. It's literally self abuse!

I think you sound bloody amazing OP.

You were running on adrenaline for so long, now you don't have that to fire you through the days, you're unconsciously seeking it again.

You're not letting yourself be hugged because that might let out the exhaustion, frustration and pain. The adrenaline squashed all of that down, you had shit to do all of the time, there wasn't any time for that. And now you're restricted by your health, you can't do anything else because you can't dash from crisis to crisis, from whatever your father did next - you can't run. Which is exactly what your head is telling you to do - run, keep moving, feel the adrenaline, keep on going and never stop.

So you're trapped feeling some of those feelings instead of running through sheer busy-ness. Which is going to be scary as Hell.

You've had to swallow those down, take the blame for whatever your father did, have him deflecting away from his actions, taking on responsibility for his choices.

Your feelings of wanting to run are you knowing that's what you were doing before - acting, not fighting (as that's not what addicts allow, it's all about other people picking on them, you're not allowed to be angry with them). They've put you in the situation of paralysis, freezing because you couldn't fight, there's no means of flight and you're trapped feeling those emotions even though you don't want to because you can't block them out with constant movement.

Bereavement counselling might help, maybe a safe, supervised exercise - water aerobics? Cool, clear water supporting you, holding you, music and movement, different sounds and smells to take your attention away from everything other than not falling over, everything else fading into the background for a while.

Epilepsy is horrendous, and is totally a legitimate reason for not working- please don't feel guilty or ashamed. I think your priority should be getting some counselling to help you deal with everything you have been through and to help you have some compassion for yourself.

Life events have quelled your spark temporarily. But it is only temporary. It will come back. BUT you have to allow yourself to be well mentally and physically for that to happen. You probably need proper sustained rest. You have been through a lot and because you're human, you're now at cracking point. None of us are immune to that. We all crack under life events eventually, however strong we are. I promise, have the wisdom to understand that showing strength right now is to give yourself the care and love you need to fully recover from all you've been through. Jobs come and go and your job as a mum is the most important in all honesty. Take it from someone who used to believe my job defined me and who life has taught otherwise.

This and other things you’ve said about feeling hopeless, always in survival mode, having to put on a good front… I really think you would benefit from some therapy. To help you unpick patterns of behaviour , and change the way you see things. I can relate to a lot you have described by the way…

Also you are trying to ‘make yourself’ be okay, but it is quite possible that you are in fact falling apart a bit now because , with your children both in school, now IS the first time you’ve been able to let go, just a bit, and it’s all (your df’s death, your diagnosis) coming tumbling out.

others have said it but it bears repeating so I will say it too: give yourself grace. Try to speak to yourself internally as you would to a friend.

wishing you all the best.

Oh my word, I want to give you a massive hug and a gentle shake at the same time. You ARE allowed to be angry - you've been dealt a shit hand and it sucks. Sod that other people may have it harder - you have it hard and are allowed to be pissed off about it!

You also don't sound remotely silly, cracking up, or anything like that. You sound like a perfectly normal person dealing with a heck of a lot of trauma. You know what helped me when I was getting therapy for anxiety - it was the therapist saying (effectively) "bloody hell no wonder you're anxious, you've been through a ton of shit!" I honestly thought everyone went though the stuff I'd gone through, and you know what - they don't. No wonder you feel overwhelmed - you're going through a load more stress than most people do.

I, like you, also appear to cope extremely well on the surface, and like you ask how other people are when it's me that's in need of support. No idea why I do it - I think it's a defense mechanism - if you can't do anything about the big stuff (people dying, being ill) at least you can deal with the little things, eg offering the paramedic a cuppa.

I would suggest asking your GP about the possibility of you being anxious / depressed. And then I would suggest practicing being kind to yourself. It is not easy, and feels daft at first. Literally tell yourself "well done, I have got the kids to school and looked calm and collected. That is good, go me." "I have made a GP appointment, that took courage, I'm doing well." etc. And every time you think you shouldn't complain or whatever, imagine a mumsnet viper giving you a gentle shake, and reminding you you are allowed to be pissed off!